I am a Summer camp administrator and have a child who lost a parent right before camp any advice??

Question

I work at an all girls (none religious) camp and would like some advice to pass on to my counsellors to help them work with a 9 year old who recently lost her mother. The child is very open to distraction and is very willing to talk and participate in group activities but is battling so hard against her very obvious grief. Once there is any down time she begins crying and becomes almost inconsolable. I dont have alot of experience with this level of grief in young children and really want to be able to support my staff and this child so that they all get the most from the experience. Any help or advice is appreciated.

Answer 1

When you lose someone you need to cry and to talk about it, people jollying you along and saying don't cry are not the ones who help, it's the ones who will sit with you without being embarrassed and let you cry that really count.

I remember reading about a lady in her 60's who had lost her husband saying she resented being treated like a child who had fallen down and scraped her knee and refused to get up, something really sad happened and she needed time to get over it in her own way.

Nothing will console her for several months and she doesn't need consoling, that's reserved for passing disappointments, someone to say "never mind" and make you laugh. As time goes on she will gradually start feeling better. If she's joining in with activities, she is probably grateful of the distraction, but when the noise and fun is ended, she is still a very sad little girl who needs people to just be there for her.

Have you spoken to the family and asked them what was the purpose of sending her to camp? maybe they needed time to be sad without her, maybe they thought their own grief would frighten her and this would be a distraction for her. It sounds to me like she has not been allowed to cry enough, so if someone can be there for that, I'm sure that would  be a big help.

**edit**

I wrote this and submitted it several hours ago but forgot to click post and left it at review stage, I just sat back here and realized and added it, but after reading through the whole thread, I am adding a note that this is in no way a response or in references to the post above me. It was written before it, just not added correctly.

Answer 2

Iwas 16 when i lost my mom  by all means let her talk cry or whatever she feels she needs to do  just be there for her when she needs you she has got to grieve let her grive alone for awhile then go to her and ask her if she would like to talk try to get her to remember all the good times she had with her mom. she will never forget but the pain will get easier she will have good days and bad days at this point probably more bad than good but as time goes on the pain will lessen i promise  i still wish my mom were here at times, GOOD LUCK.................

Answer 3

I think you should give her a lot of attention. Try to convice her and tell her that she is half or fully her mother and that no matter where her mom is her mom will alwayz be a part of her. and it's very important to let her no how much everyone cares about her.and itz not bad for her to cry once in a while let her cry and let all that  pain out. but aleast when she cry's have someone just sit with her and not tell her to stop crying but to tell her why she should cry.  

Answer 4

oh man, thats a tough situation. i would definately try to keep her distracted as much as possible, but when there is down time and if she starts getting really upset, maybe you could say something along the lines of "its ok (name), im sure your mom would like you to just be happy." make sure you say it very gently and epathetically. this is very hard for her, and its understandable for her to be really upset. try to put yourself in her shoes, and try to think of what would be the best thing that someone could say to you in the same situation. also maybe you could talk to some of her friends within the camp and tell them that when you downtime, maybe they could spend alot of time with her and just do girl things and fun stuff to keep her mind off of her loss. i wish you and the young girl best of luck with everything.

Answer 5

We had a similar situation when I was at summer camp.  One of the campers had a mother who had been sick with cancer for several years, and she died one summer while her daughter was at camp.  I was a bit taken aback when I found out her father didn't have her come home for the funeral--I mean, I think he was doing what he thought was best for her, but it was the poor girl's MOTHER!  She should have been allowed to go home if she wanted to.

I would make sure the counselors know what she is going through, and if you see she's upset, sit down with her and ask if she would like to talk (someone might also want to sit the other girls who share a cabin with her and explain what she's going through). Sometimes it's less what you say to her and more that she has someone who will listen.  Nothing anyone says to her is going to make her feel any better.  But having a chance to vent and work through her emotions about such a horrible loss will be a big help.

Good luck to you, and I will wish the best for her.

Answer 6

I don't think this should be about your staff getting the most from the experience.   Most people in grief find it easier not to cry when they're busy doing something.  Child who are sad about some big thing in their lives often need to just get a "mental break" from it, if at all possible.

As a mother, and as a person who has had plenty of grief in my own life, I would suggest trying not to let that little girl have too much down time.  If there's a way for counselors to ask her to help them do something, like get ready for the next activity, that may keep her mind occupied a little longer.

If she does cry at times it usually helps if some adult tries to help the child get their mind on something else.  Since there are no psychological counselors (I'm assuming), it's probably best for the camp staff not to try to take on a "counseling" role.  

Something else to think about is whether she seems like she's really enthusiastic with some of the activities, or whether she acts as if it's an effort to participate.  If she acts like it's an effort that could mean that she's being expected to do things she doesn't feel like doing, which could make her that much more likely to cry.

Maybe, too, keeping a few new coloring books or other inexpensive, quiet, activities somewhere; and letting her just sit outside and color if she's feeling frazzled could help.  If she's got a friend who seems to get her mind off things more maybe the two could be allowed to do something together for a while - help, color, anything.  I don't think it would be a bad thing to discretely let the other campers know that this little girl is dealing with a loss, so there will be times when she has to take a break from the activities.

Again, as a mother of kids who had some grief when they were young, and as a veteran griever, myself, I have found that having something light and pleasant to offer that "mental break" does help.

If she does cry, I'd say something (in an understanding but not too sad way) like, "I know what you're going through.  Why don't we go try to sort out the 'whatevers' and see if you can get your mind off it for a little while."  Too much hugging and too much of a sympathetic tone can sometimes make crying worse.  A quick, warm, hug and an understanding tone often keeps things calmer.

Answer 7

Contact the local mental health office in your area and ask them for specific guidelines regarding the support for this child who has been through this particular trauma.

Losing a parent is difficult when you are a grownup, but to a child, the world may feel like it is completely out of control

Ask if the mental health professionals might be willing to come and work with the child while in your camp facility.

Answer 8

She is going to end up isolated by her peers if someone doesn't prepare the other kids. They will not know what to say to her, and even though they understand that her loss is not contagious, children often act as if it is. Be sure you talk to the councellors about this so that they can prepare the kids who are in closest contact with her. Encourage the other campers to reach out to her. See if her family has insurance to cover a grief councellor while she is at camp. I find it difficult understanding why her family sent her away to camp so soon after losing a parent. Poor kid. Good luck.