I am a birthmother looking for my daughter. An agency found 2 matches. I am scared. What should I do?

Question

A search angel found 2 possible matches in nearby towns. She is 18 now and I am scared that she will not want to meet me. Or, her adoptive mom will be mad. I am not trying to take her place . I do not want to interfere in her life but I want to know her. It was a closed adoption and I was not allowed to know anything until she turned 18. If there are any adoptees that would like to give me advice on what to do next ,I will be happy to answer anything I can do to help them.

Answer 1

All you can really do is see if she wants to have contact with you. She may and she may not but you’ll never know unless you find out.  Perhaps the person that helped you located her could do the first contact just to see if she is interested and if she is give her your email or address or PO Box.

Answer 2

I would reccomend finding her. I have a brother that is adopted that is searching for his birth parents. No one is mad including my mom cause shes his mom. Hes really sad about it and asks me all the time do you think shes looking for me. I hope so!!

Answer 3

When I searched for my birthmother I felt the same way.  What I did was ask the person who helped me to search to contact her.  Not wanting to be invasive or be hurt by what I might find, he was instructed to let her know I was doing ok and was thinking of her.  She was given information on how to contact me via mail first.  He was also instructed that if she didn't want any contact could we at least get or in your case give updated medical information.  Then the ball was left in her court.  I wish you the best of luck.  Remember blood may make you mother and child but time has made you strangers.  Take things slow and don't force anything.  There's alway room to love more if it's done with respect.

Answer 4

I think the most important things are

A) approach the adoptive mother to at least warn her and give her time to adjust to the idea.  It may even happen that she could be a go-between at first.

B)  Remember that this girl is not your daughter and you are not her mother.  That being said, you can still love her, and you should, but don't expect the same courtesy from her.

Answer 5

I'M ADOPTED, IF IT WAS ME,NO I KNOW I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MY REAL MOTHER AND FATHER. FIRST TALK TO THE MOTHER OF YOUR DAUGHTER,AND SEE HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT YOU GETTING TO KNOW HER DAUGHTER.I KNOW YOU GIVE BIRTH TO HER, THE LADY THAT HAS RAISED HER HAS A LOT TO DO WITH IT. IF YOU TALK TO HE FIRST YOU MAY GET MORE OUT OF A CHASE TO TALK TO THE GIRL. BECAUSE SOME KIDS THINK IF SHE TALKES TO YOU BEFORE LETTING HER MOTHER KNOW THAT IT MAY HURT HER. SO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,THAT TO THE MOTHER FIRST. OR YOU CAN WRITE THE MOTHER  FIRST,TALK TO HER FIRST. SHE WILL BE MORE TO TALK THEN YOU WILL KNOW.AND I FEEL THING WILL BE BETTER FOR ALL OF YOU ALL.

Answer 6

register with the agencies and let her find you when she's ready.  you gave her a wonderful gift of life.  don't intrude where you're not wanted.

Answer 7

I was adopted and I went looking for my "birth mom" when I turned 19. Until that point I wasn't ready. I would suggest talking to her Adoption Mom and let it be known that you would like to meet your child but have the Adoption mom talk it over with the daughter and "feel" her out. Hopefully the Adoption Mom will try to help instead of hinder your request. My Adoption Mom was very sapportive of my trying to find my "birth Mom". My Adoption Mom will always be my "Mother" and my Birth Mom is actually involved in my life now but from a distance.

Anyways, I hope it works out for you. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 8

In response to some others, don't assume that because she might not be looking, that means you're not wanted.

I found my birthmom 10 years ago (June 13th!) and we're very close, and it brought me even closer to my MOM, who I was always super close with already.  

But then with my sister, I helped her find her birthmom, and her birthmom had never wanted to give her up, and is very clingy and has issues and it's definitely a VERY different situation from mine.

Perhaps write a letter tell who you are, and a little note saying you just wanted to know how she was doing and perhaps give any medical history - she'll appreciate it someday if she has kids of her own.  

Mention you'd like to meet her someday, but don't want to pressure her, and just give her your info and let her know it's up to her if/when she's ready.

Let her know you love her, but also that you've been able to go forward in life and you're not looking to "fix" the past or some such.

Just some random thoughts.  All the best to you, feel free to email if you have any questions.

Best regards and good luck!

Answer 9

wow.  2 different women could be your birth child.  this might sound cold but now is the time to get a lawyer.  have the lawyer act as the go between.  i wont offer medical info until i find out whom the daughter is.  you need to protect your privacy too.  my niece (she was never adopted) is a work.  she has abused drugs, lied, had kids (at 17), and been in jail several times and that was all before the age of 25.  just watch out.  you dont know these women eithor.

Answer 10

Keep your name in the registries so that when she decides to seek you out, she can find you.

Please don't force yourself into her life. Had my biological mother tried to establish a relationship in the past, I would have been curious, but also anxious, angry, confused.  I loved my real mother [the one who raised me] so much that I would have never allowed the bio mom to do anything that would make her feel in any way threatened.

Family is made through shared experience and shared memories. Please don't go into this expecting to be her 2nd "mom". You will be acquaintances at first, then hopefully friends. It will be a long time before you're family.

Hang in there.

Answer 11

sweety just take it one day at a time and take many many deep breaths. when the day comes there will be many mixed emotions going through you head and body.  just be prepared to answer many questions good luck