I am a feminist struggling with my views on p**n, your opions may help?

Question

Hi all.

I consider myself feminist and generally have negative views on things like Playboy, Hooters, beauty pageants and all the other outlets in our society that communicate the message that women should be valued for their physical appearance alone. While I know that men are at times objectified as well, in our society it is far more common that women are portrayed as mere s*x objects, and that saddens me.

With that said, I'm a 20 year old woman in a long term relationship with my wonderful boyfriend of many years. I have no complaints whatsoever about our s*x life, which is GREAT, but since we've been together so long we decided to watch some p**n (with a man and a woman in it) together to add a little variety. I must admit I enjoyed it, but I'm not sure how it reconciles with my beliefs.

Do any other feminists out there have an opinion about watching p**n with their partner or about p**n in general?

Answer 1

p**n is just fanatsy with paid actors. There is nothing wrong with enjoying it. There is some p**n that overtly degrades women but as a feminist I doubt you'd enjoy that anyways.

Answer 2

I am not a feminist, being a bloke, but i don't see what the problem is.  You enjoy it, so does he, it was your idea and all that, so relax and have fun.  

If it feels to you that you are being inconsistent or hypocritical or whatever, that is quite normal: we are not, as already mentioned, black and white.  

Lara simply states that feminism and a desire to watch some p**n cannot co-exist, but then I think she is rather over-simplifying what feminism is and what it stands for.  I am not a feminist, as said already, but I hardly think this private, consenting act between the two of you automatically makes you a non-feminist.

As to the idea that he might become addicted, so to speak, well it is up to you to trust that his focus remains on you, and up to him also, and there seems to be no issues there.  The final point about the portrayal of women, well that is something for you to decide.  Objectification is sometimes sought by some women (and men), and we automatically class it as wrong when it comes to s*x.  

Let me put it this way: the objectification can actually be consensual.  Whether it is on the part of one p**n actress or another, I cannot say.  I choose not to use p**n for personal reasons, but I find that this hue and cry about "objectification" to be simplistic.  Humans objectify.  Thats it.

I would get over your attitudes against Playboy and so on: there are many women's magazines equally as bad, yet more socially acceptable because they are for women.  As for beauty pageants, they are a load of drivel anyway, but the women in them do choose to be objectified.  

Sorry, you cannot save some people from themselves: if they want to ponce in front of a crowd in a bikini and announce that their main aim in life is "World Peace", then that is up to them, and I won't waste my time watching, but they can go for it for all I care.

EDIT: food 4 thought:  Great answer!

Answer 3

p**n is healthy. Its all in moderation as like everything else in this world. When adults are being respectful to those around them as well as themselves of course...then they should have the right to enjoy their bodies in which ever manner that they see fit. I might not agree with some of the weird things people do...but I also have no judgment on them as well. We're human...not just woman. And I do feel as though there is too much emphasis on sexuality today and def think it should be turned down some...especially where hollywood/media is making it a point to shove it down our younger ones throats. We do need to draw a line somewhere...I , as a parent, will teach my daughter the right way to live. And that is to just live within reason, never above your means and to be comfortable in her own skin. We can't be so uptight that we can't enjoy what our bodies and minds are capable of doing. Thats our right.

Answer 4

I have to agree with Stepford Wife.

When a man gets turned on by someone other than his wife or the woman he's with, the women he's with can feel this. Men, do you want hot s*x from your wives? Treat her like the hottest thing you've ever seen.

Anyone who thinks about someone other than who they're with isn't appreciating who they've got.

Answer 5

If you "enjoyed it" then I can't really see what the problem is.....

Answer 6

I know what you mean....but it is fun to watch it huh?  Listen, nothing in life is black and white.   You enjoy what you enjoy.  Personally, I enjoy watching it with my man, or when im in the mood and im by myself.   I do hate the fact how women are portrayed in the media, well overall I guess, but let's get real here, the female body is beautiful...all shapes and sizes, and alot of these women who do p**n dont all come from broken down backgrounds, they do it because they like it, and they get paid very well for doing it.   Shoot, deep down I wouldnt mind doing a video, but Im too conscience about myself, and I dont want millions of people seeing me.   I am too in a long term relationship, and we find it perfectly healthy.

Answer 7

first of all, if you're offended by playboy and beauty pageants, how can you be ok with watching p**n with your boyfriend?  the problem is that there are a lot of things that we (as feminists) may enjoy that are not good for the health of our relationships.  anytime you bring a third party (whether it be another individual) or a magazine or a movie into your s*x life with your partner, you are in essence relinquishing your unique and special place in the relationship for the sake of a cheap thrill.  sure, it can be arousing.  sure, it can enhance pleasure sure, you're both ok with it, but believe me--the day will come when it will all turn on you.  you'll begin to experience feelings of jealousy when things become so relaxed that he wants to bring more and more and more into the action.  unfortunately, once you start this it's like trying to draw water from a dry well....and the more of this you do, the more you'll want to do until ultimately, the relationship will go south and will end.  this may sound puritanical, and it's not meant to be--but it is the the truth (proven with psychological empirical studies)....additionally, the fact that you are asking about it proves that you have some misgivings and some discomfort with this.  please, don't dismiss these feelings or push them aside.  try to stop this now before it's too late because (believe me) he's already getting very into this and will expect it from you if you don't put the fire out now, so to speak.

Answer 8

oh, I like p**n . . . . believe that.

Answer 9

Are you sure you are a feminist?

You might just be an equalest ....and human. you know(Normal)

In which case the things you share with your man is fine, as long as you are down with it

I would say check with him now and again, if he is still comfortable with it, as he may change (grow away from it)

And if you change your view let him know, he will be right on board with you, that is what relationship is

As for things like "Playboy, Hooters, and beauty pageants" the price of freedom is the right of the individual to choose, however annoying that might be to some others

Remember people fought for liberation, so who are going to tell these women what they can and cant do!!

Answer 10

Watch the camera angle.  They are always shot from the man's point of view, showing what the man sees in s*x.  Since I am a heterosexual woman, I don't want to see what it looks like to have s*x with a woman - gross.  

I have been in longer relationships than that, and never had to turn to p**n to make s*x good.  Maybe you should work on being more creative and not fall back in to the "Here We Are Now, Entertain US" mode.  By asking your b'friend to watch p**n, you are training a great guy to objectify women.  How else is he going to view the woman in the films.  She's an object.  p**n doesn't have a part where the woman gets pleased either.  Not good.  Be more creative with yourselves.

Answer 11

I have nothing against p**n in general, I don't like the hardcore stuff and the weird fetish stuff personally. I mostly watch p**n that isn't degrading though; I can't stand the ones where a woman means nothing and everyone looks fake and plastic.

There are some great porno's for both men and women where it's just subtle and s**y, not over the top. I got a few ideas from here http://www.pornmoviesforwomen.com/ it's mostly just nice erotica. Nothing x*x and creepy which is why I really love it. It's also both people having fun instead of two fake people pretending to have fun together, which makes it better.

Edit: Jana doesn't seem to be living in this reality don't mind her comment. I'd virtually roll my eyes if I could.

Answer 12

s*x is natural.

Answer 13

If you are a feminist, then you should respect those women's CHOICE to participate in pornography. It wasn't that long ago when women didn't have a choice in what they wanted to do or not do. If a woman displays herself as a s*x object (p**n, playboy, Hooters etc) it's because it was her CHOICE to make that decision. If a woman really feels that things like p**n and Hooters degrades her, then she  would stop doing it. The fact that so many of them are not says that they are comfortable with the path they have chosen.

Answer 14

You can't be a real feminist if you accept p**n into your life.

Answer 15

Women in p**n have more power than the average woman. All they have to do is shake it and the idiot men will give them lots of money.

Answer 16

I know I am going to get thumbs down for this, but I have to say that I think it is 100% wrong. It is causing us to lust after someone other than our partner. They should never be replaced with a video, even if it is just to turn you on.

Answer 17

I have no problem with pornography itself, and if the participants were truly free in their choice to participate, whether that be in pornography, Playboy, Hooters, Strip Clubs, or whatever, I also have no problem with that.  I worry that sometimes women are coerced into participating, and I would never support that.  Personally, I've watched pornography twice, and both times I was struck by how impersonal it seemed, despite the intimate acts depicted.  I  was entirely unconvinced that there was any emotional involvement, which is what I need to connect.  I personally feel much more aroused by a romantic, but relatively chaste, movie.

Answer 18

I understand how you feel and struggle with the same issue. However, the portrayal of women as s*x objects is not limited to pornography and extends to the entertainment industry more generally.

And this objectification isn't exclusive to women either. Men in p**n are just as objectified as women and I think this has to do with the nature of the medium and its goal. The excitement and the fantasy stems from objectification. I think what is important is the context within which it is viewed and presented.

To me though, what is the most contentious part about it is not so much the objectification but the commodification of s*x itself, and the blatant lack of safer s*x practices.

The reality is, women participate in this industry as well, and do benefit from it, as it is with the entertainment industry more generally. Many women feel empowered by it, as do men. In the end, participants usually choose to be involved and are not coerced into participating.

As a feminist, I don't like to see men or women objectified in any way, but I do enjoy watching p**n and even being a s*x object for my boyfriend sometimes the same way he enjoys being my s*x object sometimes. If it is done in a context of love and mutual respect, I feel that this is coherent with my beliefs.

Some really radical factions of the feminist women would even argue that all s*x is objectifying to women. Despite being a radical feminist myself, I don't follow this line of thinking. I do believe that s*x is embedded with power-play and a relationship of domination, but that doesn't mean that it is demeaning or objectifying, and it can even be fun if it's done in a safe space of mutual respect.

Also, I think it's important to pick your battles. There is a time and place for everything. My core beliefs as a feminist stem from love and compassion, and self-determination. Therefore, I respect the choices of these men and women to participate in an industry that they may find fulfilling and that empowers them, and I don't mind watching and enjoying the show.

I don't like all p**n, but then again, I also believe in freedom of expression. There is enough p**n out there for everyone to find something they enjoy regardless of preference or political alignment, unless you're against p**n altogether.

Answer 19

I would say (unless it was hardcore fetish stuff or the guy is clearly treating the girl like ****) pornographic videos are often pretty equal-opportunity exploitation. Try to find the most natural stuff you can (I know it's needle in a haystack sometimes) but I feel a lot better about purchasing p**n when the male and the female in the shoot are clearly on the same page and no one is acting abusive or superior to anyone else.

Answer 20

The first thing you should do, to allow yourself to objectively look at the world, is to denounce feminism.

There has been no creed in the history of the world that has more skillfully blinded people. Feminism is greed, backed up by increased sexuality of the average woman.