I am a future bride and I'm wondering about the etiquette of the rehearsal dinner?

Question

I am a future bride- getting married in 2 weeks. When my future husband and I started planning this we weren't sure who from his family was coming or if his parents would even be able to take responsibility for this event. We are from 2 different cultures and it's been a rough road.

Anyway, my mother and I started to plan the rehearsal dinner at a restaurant close to the hall where we are having the rehearsal. When his family said they would like to take responsibility for this only 1 week ago we were forced to make some changes. Originally they said they had a small budget and would like to do something in the backyard of their house. I didn't want to make a huge issue out of it so I said that was fine understanding his family may not have the money to spend on this occassion.

Well, now we find out his family is planning to rent a tent, tables, chairs, linens and the event will be catered. I'm a little disturbed by this because I feel like they should have taken our original wishes into account. Is this wrong? It's just been a tough road with his family up to this point and I'm incredibly frustrated! Someone help me please!

Answer 1

The groom's family is responsible for the rehearsal dinner and the tenants of etiquette suggest you let them handle it as they would like.  It's impolite for you to make suggestions but there's no reason your soon to be husband can't offer ideas to his parents if he feels as you do.  

Best to think of it as a gift from them and show your appreciation as you would in that situation. These people are going to be a part of your family soon and, in many cases, in attendance at every birthday and holiday.

Answer 2

Ask very kindly if you can help with the expenses.

Answer 3

I can see why you are frustrated.  Having locations changed after you have already made plans at somewhat short notice would be frustrating.  I do agree that they should have taken your thoughts into account, but sometimes when parents are paying for the specific events they seem to think that the bride and grooms opinions should not matter, the bride and groom should just be thankful, etc.  This might also be their way of making up for the way they treated you in the past.  Try to look at this gesture as nice because they really might actually mean it to be nice.  They might have also said the had a small budget because they didn't want you to feel like you would have to pitch in and pay for anything.  I wouldn't make to big of fuss over it even though you probably feel like doing that.  Once you are married you probably won't even think about the rehearsal-you will remember the actually thing.  

Answer 4

When all is said and done, it won't make a bit of difference. Your job is to be the gracious, radiant bride and I'm sure you will be. If you let all of this little stuff get under your skin, it'll drive you crazy.

And thank God they're having it catered and it's not a cookout.

Answer 5

May I quote from Miss Manners here....

The tradition... was always that the bride's parents gave a bridesmaids'-and-ushers' dinner or, more likely, a tea after an afternoon rehearsal.  Only in recent decades has it become usual for the bridegroom's parents to give a rehearsal dinner for the wedding party (including the clergy and all spouses) in order to free the bride's parents from this obligation at a time when they are already harassed beyond human endurance, and to create a role for a family that was traditionally nearly invisible at the wedding, namely the relatives of the bridegroom.

In any case, prolonged carousing the night before a wedding is a terrible idea.  Miss Manners suggests you give a tea party after the rehearsal, tea and cucumber sandwiches being both festive and cheap.  Or you could do the traditional thing and let the bride's family worry about entertaining all these people.

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It sounds like they are actually trying to put on a pre-wedding reception rather than a simple rehearsal dinner.  It may be too late for you to "intervene"... their plans are already in the works, and any deposits they may have spent will be gone.  The best thing to do is for you to "ride out the storm"... do your best to be the bewildered bride muddling through the best you know how... and let them continue with their plans.  You have enough to concern yourself with, and if you attempt to put the kibosh on their "event" it will only cause bad feelings for your future marriage.  Don't do that to yourselves.  Just smile, enjoy the company, and go sleeplessly to bed that night.

Have a polite day.

Answer 6

Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner, and they plan it the way they would like.

Have you approached them and asked if they were planning anything, or did you assume that they were not doing anything since they had not consulted you?

The rehearsal dinner is their party, not your family's -- it's their opportunity to entertain people the way they would like.

If your mom really wants her own party, she can have a post reception party or a brunch the next day.

You should be talking to your fiance, and have him communicate your family traditions to his family, but you have to respect their wishes, too.  They might be thinking that this is their gift to you and their interpretation of how an American wedding is run.  Cut them some slack; if you are upset with anyone, it should be your fiance, since he is not much of a communicator!

Answer 7

Unfortunately when it comes to financing anything, the bride and groom don't get much of a say. If other people are paying, the best thing to do is be gracious and thankful that they are doing this for you. I know it's frustrating (i had problems in my wedding too), but the best thing to do now is have a good time and thank his parents for doing this.

I hope this works out for you. When all of this is over you will be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief.