I am a mother of 4 and I WANT TO DIE. I am not kidding. My youngest is a 9 week old beautiful baby girl...?

Question

I find no joy in life and am obsessed with really sad thoughts. Here is a "poem" of sorts that I wrote earlier.

ALTHOUGH I AM SURROUNDED BY 4 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND A MAN WHO LOVES ME DEARLY

I AM EXHAUSTED BY THESE FEELINGS OF LONELINESS

I SIT OUTSIDE, FEELING AND ENJOYING THE WARM NIGHT

AIR ON MY SKIN

I WATCH THE HIGHWAY BEHIND MY HOUSE

AND THINK HOW EASY IT WOULD BE

HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO END MY JOYLESS LIFE

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

MY LIFE IS FULL OF BEAUTY AND YET I FEEL NONE OF IT

HOW QUICK IT WOULD BE

SO UNSUSPECTING TO THE DRIVER

THROW MY USLESS BODY SO QUICKLY WITH NO TIME TO REACT

IN FRONT OF THEIR VESSEL OF DEATH

I KNOW IT WOULD BE A HORRIBLY VIOLENT DEATH

BUT IT WOULD BE FAST

AS MY SKULL EXPLODES AND MY BRAIN SPLATTERS

MY BODY PARTS SCATTERED

ALL OVER THE HIGHWAY

IT WOULD BE MY FINAL GOODNIGHT, MY LAST SWEET-DREAMS.

This really is not normal, I know. I am a smart and educated woman. What is wrong with me? Please don't just say "You really need help." I know this already. Please tell me if you've been there or what I can do. I don't like to feel this way, I am obsessed with horrible thoughts, what if my children died, what if my husband died, what if something horrendous happened to a loved one? I am overwhelmed, and sometimes don't see the point in living. PLEASE HELP ME.

Answer 1

you need some time to yourself.. get some help and take a weekend to treat yourself to a nice special getaway.. splugre on yourself... sounds like you need it.

you children love and care about you very much.

ive been battling depression my whole life tried commiting suicide numerous times and im only 19 but im 11 weeks pregnant and i feel like i finally have someone to live for. my pregnancy was unplanned but a blessing in diguise...

remember who you are and what makes you happy. you have a wonderful family that loves and cares about you very much. so take some time off and focus you again.

i hope this helped

good luck

Answer 2

i cant say i know anyone who has really felt like this, it sounds like depression big time. i would go to the docs and get on some medication asap for your kids sake

Answer 3

you have a loving family and you have NO REASON TO DIE!!!! everyone feels lonely sometimes, but that is no reason to want to die! there are people with much worse problems and they don't complain.

go see a psychiatrist. this is pathetic

Answer 4

you are perfectly normal its just that you are going through postpartum depression.it's very common .

my twin sons are 1.5 yrs now but i still have bouts of depression sometimes.

all you have to do is relax and take your condition as a TREATABLE one.your doctor can help you. your family can help you very much.please see if it is possible for someone to come over to stay for about a month or so.this way your feeling of loneliness will also succumb.

Remember you are the best help you can give yourself.try to indulge into some hobby.(cross stitch helped me a lot) and see the brighter side of life.thank GOD for everything HE has given you.

hope this will be helpful.

Answer 5

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I have been there. I even attempted it. Maybe you just need some time away from everything. Do you have any friends that maybe you could go on a vacation with? Sometimes we all just need to take a break and treat ourselves. I have a good husband, and 3 kids and I know the overwhelming feelings that you are feeling - worthless, tired, horrible thoughts, etc. I have done that.

I went to the doctors and got put on medication for a while, and after a while, I got off of them. Sometimes this does help, but not in all cases.

You can try writing your thoughts, as you did in the poem, or maybe there is a support group with other mothers in your area. With 4 kids, and 1 being 9wks old, you have every right to be overwhelmed.

Please do not think that suicide is a way out. You will then be leaving your husband and your kids without you and that is not the way to go. God doesn't give you more than he thinks you can handle. Just sit back, relax, and try to take yourself to a happy place. I hope that everything works out for you.  

Answer 6

I was  in a similar situation after I had my baby but that was 25yrs ago.I went to the doctors and asked if I had post natal depression,but he was an old dinosaur and told me there is no such thing so I struggled through for years with bad panic attacks as well.

There is plenty of help for post natal depression now,and it can affect any new mother go to your gp and he will help.It is seriously recognised now,good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

Answer 7

Hello,

Plz. Dont kill ur self.....hink positive in life.....Have u ever wonder the people in africa or people from poor countries....u have a better life than them....God is good.....sometime in life we have ups and down but we have to survive n fight for this u dont what ur children will call u a loser........the best thing is be positive and pray to God...have u heared about law of attraction?.....its says there that if u think positive or just positive even on a small things....u will have a positive life....the more u think of negatives the more it will come to u...but if u thing positive the more positive thing will come to u.....please read more abou laww of attarction.....hope in anyway i can help u....smile....

Answer 8

Well, I don't mean to tell you to go see a doc, but I think you really have to. I suffered from post-partum depression after both children & thought the exact same way. I finally got on a med that helped tremendously (after 2 weeks). Please, please get some help.  I know how awful it was to feel this way & no woman should ever have to go through it! Please email me if you have questions.

Answer 9

i dont think we can help. all i can say is you need professional help and you should talk to your husband about this. you are a mother and if you leave your children, they will be devasted to lose their mother.  

Answer 10

Dear Why,

I am a 27yr old married woman with a 3yr old daughter and a 21 month old son. You are not alone, there are people out there that also feel helpless and lonely, and I am one of them.  Try talking to your husband and explain how you feel and what your fears are, hopefully he will be able to support you and comfort you.  You could also be suffering from the baby blues as you little one is 9 weeks old, contact your gynae and ask him/her for a support group in your area that you could attend with baby, so that you also get out of the house.  Some fresh air will do you the world of good.  Try and take a time out of possible, if you have a friend or family member to watch the kids, and just concentrate on you and take care of yourself, maybe go to the spa for the afternoon and have a facial done. Anything that will make you get out of the house and take care of YOU.

Hope this helps.

Take Care

Answer 11

WELL I AM SORRY TO HEAR YOUR GOING THROUGH THIS....MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO SEE A DOC..AND BE PUT ON A MED..FOR DEPRESSION...

I HAD DEPRESSION AFTER I HAD MY DAUGHTER....I CRIED ALL THE TIME...SOMETIMES DIDN'T WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER... GOT SOME MEDS FOR DEPRESSION...AND SOON GOT OVER THIS FEELING...

HOPE THIS HELPS

Answer 12

sounds like postnatal depression go and see your Doctor please and he can help you with your feelings before it;s to late .

Answer 13

I cried when I read this.

Although I don't have your suicidal thoughts I am also finding it very tough with four children, 6 / 5 / 2 and 15 weeks.

I'm sure the others are correct in saying that you need help medically but I can tell from what you say that you know these are irrational thoughts but you just can't control them.

You are not alone in thinking horrible thoughts I have also worried about the children dying, my husband dying, I have recently considered walking out with the baby and leaving my husband with the other three just because I've had enough.

You know deep down that you won't do anything to hurt your children by hurting yourself.  Be strong, understand that these are normal feelings that you have but you just can't control them at the moment and that's why you may need some help.

Please let us know how you are later.  Take care.

Answer 14

You are suffering from post-partum depression, even though it's two months since the birth of your child!  Yes, you do need help...and you need to force yourself to get help in spite of feeling hopeless.  This is a very real chemical imbalance that you're fighting.  Remember that this is common, and there's so much sympathy and understanding now for what you're going through.  You absolutely must fight the overwhelming feelings and seek medical help...as real as these emotions feel, it is chemical, and it's absolutely not your fault.  Call your OBGYN in the morning, call your local United Way, or call 211 infoline for more help.  Be strong!

Answer 15

I think u got post natal depression, it is better for you to seek advise from a professional. Please do contact your dr as soon as possible. all the best.

Answer 16

It sounds like you've got postnatal depression.  It's very common, and a lot of mothers go through this so try not to feel as if you're not normal (even though it's hard not to).  

Go to see your doctor who will probably have a lot of experience with this and should be able to help you.  They may put you on a course of anti-depressants.  

Answer 17

call 911   read the question you just posted to them and tell em to send an ambulance,  you need immediate medical attention.

Answer 18

you sound horribly depressed and  you need a psychiatrist asap before you hurt someone in a car or yourself for that matter; if you truly feel like you want to die and are thinking of ways to do it i would suggest you go to an ER and tell them how u feel and let them admit you voluntarily...you can check out if u want as long as you are voluntary...i have suffered with depression on and off my whole adult life and have had to be hospitalized once....and the kicker is, i was a psych nurse for a few years....please, for yourself, your children, your husband,and family, who all need you VERY much get help, if not for yourself for them, and you WILL feel better, it just takes time and sometimes in severe cases like this medication...don't be ashamed, i have seen ppl from all walks of life at the worst time of their life who needed help....don't wait, tell your husband immediately, make arrangements if needed for some help with the kids, better yet have him do it, and go to the hospital....at least let them evaluate you and see if you should be admitted or seen as an outpatient....and be HONEST about your feelings, believe me, they have seen and heard worse, so be truthful completely about how you feel and take your poem with you.....please, life doesn't have to be this bad, it shouldn't be and a chemical imbalance can happen to anyone at anytime.....u don't have to tell anyone you don't want what is going on, just get help!!!

Answer 19

you are very very very depressed. your kids need you ! dont give up go to the doctors and get help please! your kids need you !  

Answer 20

Have you told your doctor or health visitor? It sounds like severe post-natal depression to me and you need to tell someone who can help - there is treatment and while it won't work overnight, it will have an effect fairly soon.

Answer 21

You could be experiencing post partum depression.  It's actually pretty common with new moms.  I would discuss this with your OB or family doctor.  They can prescribe meds or give you a referral to talk to someone about meds.  It's hard but it's even harder if you try to do it alone.  Reach out and try to get help, for your sake and your children's.  It might seem awful right now, but you will feel so much better if you get help.  And there is nothing wrong and like i said before, it's actually fairly common.  Trust me, you will wish you had spoken with your doctor sooner.  You don't HAVE to feel this way.  Good luck.  :)

Answer 22

I hope that you will feel comfortable enough to seek out help. I was about four months postpartum before recognizing that I had some serious problems. I felt awful every day - paranoid, depressed, full of anxiety. I was afraid to leave my house. I didn't want to play with my baby or anything, I just wanted to lie in bed all day and sleep or cry. My mind was always full of scary thoughts, or images of me running away. I didn't like talking to anyone. Three months ago I went back to my midwife and told her about everything and she scheduled me to see a psychologist the next day. It has been a tremendous help. There is nothing shameful or wrong about what you are feeling - it happens to more women than we hear about. I can't say that you are for sure suffering from postpartum depression, but it seems very much like you could be. You could try reading Brooke Shields' book "Down Came the Rain". It was really helpful for me to read something that hit so close to home. Please don't feel ashamed sweetie. You talk about horrible thoughts - I used to think about death all the time too - it was so weird. I'd be sitting there, eating or something, and all of a sudden I'd think "what if this plate falls on my baby and breaks her neck?" Just really screwed up things. So I have really been in your shoes. It has been three months since I started sharing my experience with my doctor, but I have felt a lot better. Some of your symptoms you can alleviate naturally, but the paranoia and obsessive thoughts are probably going to need to be addressed by a professional. If you can find 20 minutes a day to exercise, it will help. Try to get out in the sunshine, it naturally helps curb depression. Try to eat a balanced diet, or round out your diet with vitamins/supplements. Tropical fruits help curb depression as well. Here is a simple trick my psychologist taught me - when those really awful thoughts start creeping in, try this breathing technique: 3, 3, 5 - Breathe in through your nose for three seconds, hold it for three seconds, exhale out your mouth for five. This exercise helps to reset your parasympathetic nervous system which helps you to calm down. It's not going to heal everything, but it really does help. You can change the numbers -  but the important part is to make the exhaling part the longest part. Also, when you are feeling really anxious about your baby getting hurt, go to her, pick her up and tell her. She doesn' t understand what you are saying but it may help you feel better to say it aloud. My midwife suggested this and I didn't feel comfortable with it for awhile, but now that I'm not in thedesperatee state I was in before, it really does help me. PPD is a really difficult condition to cope with alone. I feel for you, I am still struggling and working through it myself. There is a board on ivillage for postpartum depression if you are interested. I went there one night and they gave me a lot of information about places to find help and they even gave me phone numbers for local on call people if I needed to talk.

I know it's scary and it is so awful to think "I am smart, I know this is irrational, but I can't help it!" That was the hardest thing for me - I felt like because I knew what was happening, I should be able to work through it myself. But I couldn't. Try some of the things I said on your own time, but please, talk to someone. I will keep you in my thoughts, I understand and truly empathize with your situation.

many blessings.