I am adopted?

Question

Im kind of scared to go look for my parents because Im scared of the reason that I was put up for adoption what should I do should I still go and look for them and how should I take it if I go so I wont be ignorant to them and do you think I should wait until I get a little older because Im only 18 but I known my whole life that I was adopted

Answer 1

You should try to find out about them. The reason doesn't really matter, because obviously you were still put up for adoption. 18 is not too young. I'm sure you've had these questions all your life. You need to find the answers for yourself so you can have the satisfaction of atleast knowing you tried or actually found something. Good Luck. God loves you.

Answer 2

Take it slowly.  Have you spoken to your adoptive parents about this?  Maybe they could provide you with some information.  Be aware that often people put their children up for adoption because they have serious problems and felt that they had no choice. There are so many possibilities.

Maybe they were addicted to drugs or alcohol.  Maybe your mother had health problems and couldn't care for you. Maybe she was very young.  Maybe she felt afraid and incapable of caring for an innocent child.  Prepare for the possibility that your birth mother/parents are not perfect people. Prepare for the possibility that you could be disappointed when you meet them.  The icing on the cake would be if your birth parents turned out to be wonderful people.

At the same time, be thankful that someone else loved you enough to take on the job of parenting you. You are very lucky to have had someone love you even if she did not give birth to you.  Good luck with your search.

Answer 3

I am not adopted, so I can't relate.  But person to person my advice would be to go ahead and contact them now if you want to.  You're an adult and it's obviously a matter of concern for you.

What do you mean ignorant?  Dont worry about stuff like that.

I would say to call them first, maybe email, to make that first contact and see if you're comfortable meeting them.  I bet you'll be surprised at how well it will go.  Imagine being in their position.  Wouldn't you want to meet you??

Answer 4

Go for it, be safe, and prepare yourself mentally for both a positive or negative conclusion.  Good luck.

Answer 5

You need to go for proper formal counselling for something like this. Get qualified assistance. This is important. In fact it is too serious an issue to discuss on Yahoo Answers. Please get proper support.

Answer 6

You expect us to know.

Answer 7

IF YOU WANT ANSWERS YOUR PARENTS CANT GIVE GO AHEAD AND SEARCH FOR YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. ITS LIKE QUESTION BEING UNANSWERED WHAT GOOD IS IT.

Answer 8

Don't be afraid, usually the reason is that they are very young and will not be able to give you the quality of life that your deserve.  Whatever the reason, a mother never ever forgets nor does she forgive herself for these decisions.  No, I don't think that you are too young to look because if it all works well, you will have time to still enjoy knowing them and or at least finding out who they are NO MATTER what.  I hope that your life with your adoptive parents was all that your natural birth mom hoped and wished that it would be.

peace out

Answer 9

I found my parents when I was 18 too.  It  was difficult but I am glad I did it.

I can't believe how rude people have been to you, saying "be glad you weren't murdered?"  what a horrible thing to say to someone, would you say that to a non-adopted person?  Lots of mothers consider abortion, not just the ones that adopt out their babies.

"Think of your aparents--they must love you very much"  Why must they love her very much, they may, or they may have treated her like a consolation prize, which most of us ARE, most adoptive parents want their own children and SETTLE for adopted ones.

I would guess that you spent the last 18 years trying to be a good daugther to them, you have paid your debt to them, you did not consent to the adoption and HAVE EVERY RIGHT to know where you came from, adoption is not slavery, your aparents do not own you.

Searching actually has nothing to do with adoptive parents, it is the healthy normal response to not knowing where you come from.

I am really disgusted by the meanness of people in response to this question, I wonder how anyone can still believe the myth that being adopted is a good thing, after witnessing how we are talked to for simply asking a question.

q: "Where did I come from what happened to my mom?"

a:  "just be glad you aren't dead"

It is horrible.

Answer 10

As an adult adoptee, I would say that 18 might be a little young to search at this point.  The decision is ultimately only yours to make.  

Every state has different laws for the amount of of information you can receive as well as what age that consider you an adult.  This age can vary from 18 to 25 when it comes to adoption.

You can check out this site to see your states laws regarding what info you can receive.  Each state is very different in it's laws!

http://local.reunion.adoption.com/

I would say at the age of 18, your reasons for searching are simply curiosity.  As you get older those reasons will extend to medical and heritage questions.  You will especially want these answers should you decide to start your own family one day.

I recommend searching but each case is different and not all reunions are happy ones but even with a less than expected reunion there is closure with this missing piece of most adoptee's lives.

Good luck!

Answer 11

I'm adopted and I've given a son up for adoption.  I haven't looked for my bio family but plan to next year (2008) and would welcome meeting my bio son.

Answer 12

go look for ur real parents ;)

u have to know from where u came

Answer 13

I have not read any answers but I felt compelled to respond.  I am newly in reunion with my firstmom.  I found her last year on an online registry (adoption.com) she had been looking for me for years.  I have siblings who are now teenagers. One of them just stayed the weekend with us and we had a wonderful time getting to know each other. It has been so wonderful getting to know them but there are times when I wish I hadn't waited to look and would have known them when they were younger and seen them growing up.

There is another reason why I wish I had found my first family sooner.  Sadly, my firstfather died about five years ago.  I will never have the chance to know him and I know from other relatives that this is something he really wanted.

Reunion is not easy and you never know what you are going to find.  I have found good and I have found bad but the most important thing for me is that I have learned the truth about what happened all those years ago.  It has made a big difference for me in my life.

Answer 14

i think that you should do what your heart tells you to do, if it doesn't feel right , right now then wait a little bit longer until you feel ready to find out who they are. but if it was me i would look and try to find them but i still would be ok with who my parents are and that are the ones who took care of me.

Answer 15

For what reason would you try to find your biological mother?  Aren't you happy where you are today?  I am sure your adoptive parents love you very much.  Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 16

ok. i have to chime in here...

to the poster: if you want to find your bmom, then i totally support you. there are reunion sites online that you can check out.  many of the adult adoptee post links to them often.

now to the propaganda crew..

first, not all relinquishing mothers are crack addicted whores, who dropped off their babies at the 7-11only to be "saved" by their adoptive parents.

as a matter of fact, most adoption agencies, will not take you (the one i went through did not, and i think most are similar) if you had a current substance abuse issue. so this idea that all bmoms are messed up is c**p!

second, most of the young women who placed when i was considering were, like me, healthy, non-smoking, non-drinking and college-bound. also, many of these young women "agonized" over this decision. so in other words, most bmoms who placed through agencies didn't just drop off their kids and split.

your mom probably placed you because she was young, poor, unmarried and scared.

IMO, this bmom as w***e and aparents as savior dichotomy makes me sick!

Answer 17

I am adopted by my father, I worked with foster/adopted kids for 20 years and I adopted two children of my own. My kids are birth siblings but my daughter the youngest was adopted first at 4 years old and three years later we brought home her then 9 year old brother. They are now 16 and 18.

This is a very personal question with the answer being different for each person. I urge you to answer the question yourself, what outcome are you wanting for what reason, before beginning your search.

I have saved every little tidbit of paper and information for my kids as at 18 they have a right to know what they want to know and I know they will have curiosities. Because they had both been in multiple foster homes, I also did an incredible amount of research to put as much of their history together back then to help them, to know them and for the questions they might ask some day.

Certain answers someone is ready for are more appropriate at an emotional age versus a chronological age.

My son had been so abused and had so many problems that I knew dating and marriage were probably going to be something I would have to put off if I brought him home. Because, I didn't marry my daughter has more of a yearning to know of her birth father (we did have visits with him/her before finalization)then her birth mother.

The thing I caution her about is that if she does decided to seek him out when she is 18; the fantasy that she has created in her mind will be gone forever. This was not a nice guy and he did not do nice things to my children, and he was old enough to know better (he had two adult children he had abandoned years before).

Adopted by a sensitive father, I knew seeking out my birth father would hurt him. I chose not to question things for that reason. I had an opportunity once to meet my bio-father and chse not to, then he died at 39. I did go and meet the rest of my birth family but I have never regretted my decision. Most of my contact with them has been through a feeling of obligation to them rather then for me. They felt a tremedous loss because they did not want me adopted.

I was the first of 5 children he would give up, Out of the blue, I got a call from a "sister" who had been adopted and searched to find me. To me, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it was just sperm. My "Sister" is the baby my mother and adoptive father brought home from the hospital whom I have loved her whole life.

I admit it was really weird seeing a picture of someone who looked just like me but I had no desire for a relationship. Many people feel otherwise. I think it depends also upon the relationship you have with your adoptive family.

Years later, we passed my kids bio-mom on the street. She had abused drugs while pregnant with my son and my daughter wanted closure...so I asked if we could talk and my daughter asked her questions. My son had no desire to talk to her.

So again, it is a very personal question with no right or wrong but a different answer for different people. Medical need would change everything.

The most important thing would be to ensure that you are emotionally ready for what ever answers you may find and that you have set up some sort of support system to help you deal with your feelings. It is also important to remember you can never go back. Once you change what is in your mind, like believing it was a young loving mother who gave you up and find out that the picture wasn't so pretty or are met with rejection from the person being found or their "other" family; you will never be able to go back to the curiosity or picture your mind has now.

Also understand what outcome you seek, as in thinking through how your journey might affect the relationship with your other family members. Some adopted parents may be more hurt then supportive because of their own insecurities or issues.

What questions can your adoptive parents answer for you? I wish you the very best.

Life Coach for Adoptive Parents

www.beep.com/members/kim2c

Answer 18

Speaking as an adopted child that has no interest in finding my birth parents I will just give you my reasoning behind it.  Who knows where life has brought them?  Your Birth Mother could have a happy marriage and family that she may have never told about you...What if she isn't aware of who your father is?  What if you were conceived either under circumstances that she would rather forget?  

I believe that it is every adopted child's right to find their birth parents if they so wish...but when this happens you need to realize that things may only become more complicated.  

I feel like adopted children (myself included) sometimes idiolize their birth family when things in their life just aren't going right.  It's so easy to say my life isn't working out because this isn't my real family or My adopted parents are hard on me because I am not "their" child....

Just keep it in mind and I wish you the best of luck

Answer 19

I'm no expert but is there a reason your rushing to meet your birth parents, are you parents now doing things bad to you. If not accept the love that they are giving you, and when you and they think you are ready, find your birth parents. If your thinking about it now it might be a good time to let them know how you feel and they may give you some good advise.

Just a thought

Answer 20

My adopted sister looked when she was 18 and when she found her real mom she had a relationship with her for a while and even moved in with her again but after she saw her true colors she has nothing to do with her anymore. It's a decision you will make for yourself when you find them. To have them in your life or not. Go for it, you will regret it if you don't. And like you said you have your whole life ahead of you. Best wishes.

Answer 21

I was adopted too and today I actually found out my biological mother is looking for me. I am absolutely terrified, I am 19 and there are so many questions flying through my head. I know you must be feeling the same way. my best advice is to do whatever you feel good about, I know thats really hard but you need to listen to your heart. Keep in mind that the people that raised you are you family and no one can take that away from you. No matter what you do those people will be there to love and support you.

If you do decide to look for your biological family i suggest going to www.adopteeconnect. com, its how i found my biological mother.

Lauren

Answer 22

That is totally up to you babe.....If you feel it would put you at peace of mind, then go for it. Just try to prepare yourself as much as you can though before you actually go meet them if you find them. Be very cautious ok sweety......Good luck!

Answer 23

For starters, the family who adopted you, did it because they love you and treasure the fact that that you are their baby no matter how old you get. I'm sure the curiosity is over whelming to find your birth parents but look at it this way. The folks you call mom and dad are your real parents, the others were donors. There are a million reasons why they put you up for adoption. The fact is, they could not raise you in a safe and happy home, that's why things worked out like they did.

Try to focus on what you can do and what you have now. Let go of what you had no control over.

Answer 24

when a child is put up for adoption the worker will have spesific information that the birth mom will want the child to know if one day the child looks for her. if you are not sure about how you feel then yes. wait. just be understanding don't judge. everything will be fine. good luck

Answer 25

Isn't there a matching registry for people who were adopted and parents who gave their children up for adoption?  You could sign up on that and wait and see what happens.

Answer 26

You'll always wonder, you might as well find out.  Plus, if you have any genetic diseases, you can ask them and find out early.  The reason they put you up for adoption is a mix of a)they didn't want a baby and b)they couldn't take care of one.  That's always it.  It's nothing personal, bc they never knew you as a person and they did what they thought was best for all parties involved.  Plus, it was probably God's plan for your life.

Do it and get it over with so you can move on or start a relationship with them.  Don't expect them to be perfect.  They gave you up bc they didn't have their stuff together, so you know they were at least a little messed up at one time.  The adopted people I know who have found their parents meet them and thank the Lord they weren't raised by them.

Answer 27

I think you should start looking. I was adopted and now that I am 40 some hereditary problems have showed up. I have tried looking for my birth mother but the agency that dealt with my adoption is no longer around. You never know, your birth mother might be looking for you right now. It sounds like it will bring you peace of mind if you get your questions answered. Good Luck!!

Answer 28

Hey at least you werent aborted. So there for they still loved you but had a logical reason why they didnt murder you. I think that right there is a blessing.

Answer 29

As you say yourself you're "only 18". This age can certainly be a confusing and trying time in one's life, even without the "complications" of being adopted and deciding if you want to search for your biological parents now, later or not at all.

It's perfectly normal to be confused, afraid, curious, etc.

There can be some benefits if you search everything from establishing a relationship which doesn't undermine your current relationship with your adoptive parents. This would be a different type of relationship. You may also be able to put a stop to those unanswered questions, relieving you of those "what if's".

However, searching for your adoptive parents, can be a long and trying experience. It's possible that the search may take years, it's possible that you may never make that connection. It's also possible that they will not want to open that door to their past.

My best suggestion to you would be, don't rush into it. Locate a counselor/therapist with experience with adoptees and these very issues. A professional with experience in this area would be best equipped to help walk you through the process, decide if it's right for you, and how to cope with each step and what you may or may not find.

Best of luck.

Answer 30

FIND OUT! YOU MAY BE SUCCEPTIBLE TO DISEASES OR CONDITIONS THAT YOU CAN  PASS ON TO YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN. WHO CARES WHY THEY DID IT OBVIOUSLY THEY THOUGHT IT WAS BEST TO GIVE YOU TO A LOVING FAMILY THAT COULD SUPPORT YOU;  YOU HAVE GROWN UP AND ARE NOT GONNA LET ANY REASONS THEY HAD 18 YEARS AGO UPSET YOUR LIFE NOW.

Answer 31

It is a very scary thing, thinking of who your birth parents might be. I can tell you though from meeting my family (but not my birth mother) that is the most amazing thing, even if you don't like them or they don't want to really know you. You finally get to see where you come from, something to connect to.

It might not go brilliantly, but I would say they would be happy to answer any questions you have. You must be curious.

You do have to be ready for these things, so take your time, go slowly with it.  You have to be in a strong state of mind to be able to make that move. It is always very nerve racking,

Only search for your family if you are ready, and you will know that deep down.

Even though I say that it could go negatively, this is just a warning. Meetings with families can go fantastically, and you can end up with two sets of families!

Good Luck!