I am alone in the office and feeling insecure. What would make the best self-defense weapon?

Question

Pretzel rod chewed into a point.

Stapler, wide open and ready to shoot

Screaming like a little girl

The sharp cutty edge on my tape dispenser.

Answer 1

The Cat is the best self defense weapon, however he's not there.  While the Pretzel rod could do the most damage, a pen or letter opening might be your best bet.  Screaming like a little girl will only ward them off for a few minutes and they will all be back to stare at you.  Of course, by this time,  you might get the avoidance treatment, which would be best.  The idea is to either look formidable or crazy.  Either should work well.  Also consider keeping a full cup of coffee in a ceramic mug on your desk, just in case.

Answer 2

A fountain pen. Good to stab someone with.

Most of your other options will not kill someone.

If you're not up for stabbing then a glass bottle is always handy.

Your computer mouse pull it out of the USB to strangle someone.

Your computer monitor if it's still one of those big old ones.

Your keyboard.

A 30cm metal ruler.

Your chair if you can pick it up.

Scissors!

Answer 3

What about a sharpened pencil taped to the end of a ruler?

Answer 4

Just ask yourself this...

What would Charleton Heston do in your situation?

(You may also substitute Steve McQueen, if you wish)

Answer 5

I used to fold Post-its into tiny eye-gouging yellow footballs and then flip them into the face of my enemies (boss and yak lady) with a simple flick of my finger.  Slip a penny inside for extra weight... and write a hurtful statement on the football for extra tasty tears.

Answer 6

What do you mean you're at the office alone? I thought we all had a pact to quit our jobs to focus exclusively on Yahoo!Answers?

I haven't bathed in a week. Shoot me now.

Answer 7

Nothing beats the "letter opener-o'-death"

Answer 8

Just leave and meet me for a coffee at Starbucks. I don't actually want coffee though. I want a vanilla bean frappacino.

Answer 9

wow, you always struck me as the kind of guy who packs heat everywhere he goes.

Answer 10

Don't Call IT...it just makes it worse.  Your best bet is to hide behind a plant with a yellow sticky note on your forehead that says: Do Not Open Until Christmas...Unless it's Christmas.

Answer 11

Just be brave and probably nothing will happen...did you lock the door?

Answer 12

Although the sharp cutty edge on a tape dispenser  does make a useful and very scary weapon, Wonder suggests throwing some poo at anyone who comes within a 57 foot range of you, just to be on the safe side.

If you like, Wonder can stop by with his litter box.  It hasn't been cleaned in the past 17 days.

<--- enjoys helping others

Answer 13

I just pictured you sitting there and it makes me smile.

You could always google some info on Karate and get your blackbelt online.

Haiiiiiyaaaah! (I just karate chopped you, punk)