I am an adult that was raised in an open adoption situation.?

Question

My biological relatives, who I know, did not provide emotional, spiritual or financial support. My adoptive parents provided all of those things. Now that I am older, my biological relatives are pressuring me to spend time with some of the members that I do not like because of their personalities and their lifestyles. They are also pressuring me for financial assistance. Some of them even said I do not "owe" my adoptive parents anything because they are not my blood relatives. Because of these occurances, I am not having any contact with any of my biological family that express or support these ideas. I feel I am handing the situation appropriately but I am wondering what others would feel. What do think? I am doing the correct thing?

Answer 1

I don't think this has anything to do with which "family" is really "family."  It has to do with being around people who respect you and whom you can respect.  For example, I have a lot more respect for my natural dad than for my adoptive dad, because my natural dad is generally a kinder and more honest person.  The opposite goes for my adoptive mother and natural mother.

You can't pick your family.  In case you're adopted, it's more like you can't pick your families.  But, you can certainly decide who is safe or unsafe in terms of association.  You are doing the right thing.

Answer 2

If you give your biological family anything, it will be out of your own generosity but it's not an obligation. Your familial obligation is to the people who loved you and raised you, not the ones who did nothing but donate their DNA and cause you heartache. I don't think there's anything wrong with avoiding people who spend their time insulting your (real) family. Though I think it would be nice of you, if you are emotionally able to deal with them, to do so at your leisure. But only because it's a nice thing to do, and not because you owe them anything. If you feel like you just can't handle being around them then I think it's just fine to cut them out of your life.

Answer 3

I'm sorry this is happening to you but, you don't owe anyone anything.  If you feel you are handling the situation appropriately then be secure in those feelings.  Trust your judgement.

You can still care about them and even love them with out being sucked into the negativity.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I am an adult, and was adopted at the age of 2, I am now 51.   I later found my biological family and did find the reasons for the adoption...I was not impressed at all.   I had my own problems even with my adoptive parents, but knew that I was still in a better place with them than my biological parents.  You do not owe your biological people anything.....I have found that it has been in my best interest not to have any contact with the biological relatives.  I know how you feel...you kind of feel like you don't belong..and really you do not....that is not your family...your adoptive parents are your family...they were the ones who nurtured you...and guided you through your life.   Anyone can be a Father or a Mother....but it takes special people to me a "Mom" and a "Dad".....I think you understand what I mean here....Hope this helps.....

Answer 5

I think you should first honor yourself and your adopted family...funny how "family" comes around when they need something. I am happy you have a good family to call your own. Happy Holidays Yahoo Friend

Answer 6

It sounds like your biological parents are a little bit angry because you were able to be better off without them. Though im not saying you shouldnt keep away from them you just need to keep in mind that your an adult and whatever they ask of you is only a suggestion that YOU have the answer to.

Answer 7

It sounds as if you don't feel competent yet about handling manipulative people in your life. I'm guessing you are still a very young adult, which would explain why you're still unsure about how to stand up for yourself. This is an important life skill to learn: you will need it many times in your adult life. If you haven't learned it from your family growing up, then you will have to start now.

You have to decide what life you want to lead and what kind of people you want to associate with. Plenty of people distance themselves (sometimes literally) from family members or former friends when the relationship is abusive or unsatisfactory. You need to have the strength to make your own life, surrounding yourself with people you choose to be in your inner circle.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Yes you owe nothing to biological parents who gave you up for adoption and owe a lot to the parents who raised you.

Answer 9

you have got to be kidding me? they actually said that to you!? i am so sorry you have to deal with that. they are being thoughtless and boarder line cruel. you were not a part of the decision making, you owe no one anything. you stick to your guns. i think you are handling this just fine.

i actually had a similar situation a few years ago. my brother in law, who had been in the family all of about 3 years at the time, decided i needed to (and i quote) "start paying back mom and dad for taking you in and giving you a home when you had nowhere else to go"

i was furious. he wanted me to pay back my mom and dad for adopting me! like it was my responsibility. needless to say i didnt speak to my sister or him for over 2 years. it killed my parents, but what was i to do? if i had to be in the same room with them i probably would have kicked them both.

hold your head high, you are above such petty guilt trips. if they respected you as a person they would never put that on your shoulders. you owe no one a darn thing except respect and they should earn that not just be given it.

the ignorance of some people is simply amazing.

Answer 10

Your adoptive parents are YOUR BLOOD they are YOUR FAMILY.  It takes more then DNA to be a PARENT or make a FAMILY!!  Where were all these people when your parents were giving you, a precious child, away to let another family raise you.  You are absolutely doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Answer 11

yes i am sooo sorry that you are in this horrible/pressuring situation. you are doing the right thing.your biological family didnt raise you to be a good person but your adoptive family did. they actually took time out of their life to raise you bcause they had a heart that cared.

Answer 12

Your "family" is not always blood relatives.  If your adoptive parents have been the only ones providing you with everything then you should not "owe" the biologic relatives.  Where were they when you were put up for adoption.  If they care so much couldn't any of them have adopted you?  I cannot tell you what to do but I have learned to always listen to my gut instinct.  If you don't feel the need to support these people who chose not to support you then do with your instinct.  You may want to give your adoptive parents a big hug and thank you for all of their support.

Answer 13

Oh yeah. They are trying to take advantage of you. They didn't bond with you as a child and yet they think they can reap the benefits of a relationship now that you are an adult.

You are an adult and don't need ANYBODY to tell you whom you can gravitate toward. It is totally your decision.

You know the tried and true saying about how you can't choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. Well, you CAN choose whether to have an contact with a relative. Happens all the time.

Pressuring you for financial assistance. The nerve!

Answer 14

My dad always said this.

Family is who takes care of you. My dad has always been there for me. and NO one should pressure you because of blood.  Blood has nothing to do with it. LOVE now thats what makes you want to bend over backwards for someone.

And if they have never done anything for you,  you could do something for them if you wanted to, not because you felt obligated too!

Edit

There is no reason to be snide!

Answer 15

Dear Issuesofadoption, (*cough, cough*)

Sound like you have it all worked out, girlfriend!  

I got it!  Bio family is trash (aren't they all?!)  And your adoptive parents are saints.

So dump them, I mean they dumped you, right?  Who needs their crappy 'lifestyles' anyway?

Run back to your adoptive parents, after all, they are your 'real'

parents anyway.  They were there through thick and thin, they changed your diapers and paid for your braces, who says blood is thicker than paper?  Your adoptive parents are the ones who really care about you.  Those people, your 'biological relatives'  probably have  nasty 'personalities'.  It sounds like you should be grateful your adoption saved you from a terrible existence.  You and every other adoptee are lucky that you were saved from living with those people who were obviously not worth anything.

Get a restraining order, call the police,  and change your phone number!  I've heard you can even change your Social Security number to obscure your path from these mongrels.

Good luck!

Answer 16

It sounds as if you are doing the right thing in your situation, if I am reading your story correctly and you aren't cutting off all of your first family, but just those that are trying to manipulate you.

You don't owe anyone anything -- not your first family and not your adoptive family either. They all did things when you were a child for their own reasons. If you feel the ties of blood or the ties of love are stronger than any negatives there might be, then you associate with those people. If the negatives are stronger, then protect yourself from that person in whatever way seems best to you.

Best wishes to you. I hope the ones that are trying to manipulate you come around eventually and you have a great relationship with both your families.

Answer 17

Your real parents is the one who sacrifice for you and raise you, you do not owe anything from those people who doesnt care about you.

Answer 18

You do not owe anything to anyone.  Especially your biological family who gave you up for adoption.  There is no obligation there.

You are only responsible for yourself.  When you have children, you are responsible for them, not the other way around.  Now, when my mother gets old and feeble, I would take care of her, not due to obligation, but because she is the most important person in my life.  My father can rot in h**l.  He never took care of me, never bothered to see me, was basically the biggest ****** in the universe.  What do I owe him?  Nothing.  All he did was knock my mother up.  

Do not ever lend money to anyone unless you never, ever expect to get paid back.  Ever.  Take care of you.  Every adult has a right to pursue his/her own happiness without a shhhtty family trying to hold him back.  That's not love.

Answer 19

The same thing happened to my brother (he was open adopted too) and his mom never came around and acts like our family is nothing to her, and that while my parents were there for him (since he was 4) she made it sound like THEY owed HER. 'After all you only borrowed him so I could grow up on my own' (her sick words, his bio mom is a nutcase...)

My brother got really sick and tired of them, especially the year that he graduated law school, and he decied to tell his 'other mom' (he never called her his mother by the way) the good news that he got a job. She was saying stuff like how he should be giving her money for putting him up, since she couldn't afford him, and he oweds her, since she 'put him up so that he could have a better life.'

My brother turned his back on his bio family, and changed his phone #. He dealt with them nagging him for pushing 2 years, and he was so stressed he got sick from it. I think he did the right thing - for himself.

Seeing pretty much the same thing is now happening to you, I think you are doing the right thing. It isn't right for your bio family to be acting that way, and those who don't support you or your real family (the one that rasied you into who you are, and gave more love - as my brother would say all the time) it's a wise choice. My brother is happy again, and still stands by his choice, and I applaud him for it.

PS: our mom and dad stayed out of it, they knew it was hard on him, and supported him for whichever desicion he made, which I think helped, knowing that they weren't going to push a side on him.

Best of luck, and best wishes!

Answer 20

I'm a first mom and I don't understand why your first family thinks its ok to pressure you for money and insult your parents.  Rather low, if you ask me.  You're not wrong is distancing yourself from them.  I've heard tales of first families that completely interfere with the person's life and try to dictate what sort of relationship the person has with their adoptive family.  It's wrong and beyond low.  Stay strong and if they p**s and moan about it, don't let it get to you.  Every family has got the low-lifes.  I'm sorry that your first family thinks they come before the ones who raised you.  Very selfish.

Answer 21

i think so its one thing not to give financial supp. but to even deny emotional thats just terrible

Answer 22

It's your life and it's up to you.  You do not OWE your biological family anything!  They didn't raise you or support you or provide for you.  Your adoptive parents did!!!  Do what you feel comfortable with and don't let anyone pressure you into something you are not comfortable with or ready for.  It's YOUR life!!!

Answer 23

As a mom who put a child up for adoption, the parents who raised you are the ones you need to be close with.  If your birth family is giving you demands, stay away and cling to your real family for support.  If it is necessary, get a restraining order against the bio family members who are hassling you.  Your real family are the ones who raised you!  Anyone can make a baby, it takes someone special to raise a child.  You "owe" your adoptive parents for saving you from the bio family that could have influenced you to be like them.  You "owe" your adoptive parents all the love and loyalty you seem to be giving them.  Keep them in the loop and let them know what's going on and how you feel.  You be fine!

Answer 24

I'm a bio mom and I think your doing the right thing. Your bfamily, at least some of them sound like sour grapers. I can't imagine asking my bio daughter for money, and we have a great relationship. As far as stuffing people down your throat, don't let them. If you don't agree with their life style and don't want to be associated with them you don't have to. They are no different than any other person on this planet, and you are not required to like everyone. Besides, there are tons of familes that don't like or speak to each other.

Maybe when the time is right you can explain to them that they are putting you in a very uncomfortable situation and you're handeling it the best way you know how.

Sorry for their ignorance.

Answer 25

I support your choice to have or not have contact with your bio family -- it is your choice.  It seems to me that your reasons are quite reasonable.  It is too bad that they have chosen to be negative about the decisions your birthmother made for you -- they could perhaps be involved in your life, if they were neutral or positive.  It is a loss that they have brought on themselves, and you are not responsible for their actions.    I am sure it feels bad, but it was their choice to react this way.  Maybe with time they will see this and come around in a more positive way.  Good luck to you.

Answer 26

You are an adult- you do not have to do what you do not feel like doing- and by the way, the parents that adopted you are your parents- I know that you know that. I was adopted and have 2 adopted children- They have no right to pressure you for financial help- You owe your birth mom a huge thankful for giving you life, however you owe your adopted parents everything because they raised you into what you have become. You are handling things appropriately- the bio family members are wrong, to do what they are doing to you. Your adopted family is your family.  Hang in there!!

Answer 27

Yes you are doing the right thing.  Your adoptive parents did not give birth to you but they sure raised you just as if they did.  I think you should not give your birth parents anything.  If the were your "real family" they would not have given you up or they would at least been there emotionally if not financially Good Luck  I think your adoptive parents are lucky to have you.

Answer 28

Get in where you fit in.

Answer 29

Lets apply it to someone who was never adopted.  If my relatives were pressuring me to spend time with some members I do not like because of their personalities and lifestyles, should I be expected to? No.  I see no reason why you should be either.  Same goes for the financial assistance.  If you want to donate money to family members knowing you won't get it back, then do so. Otherwise, don't.  Maintain contact with your birth parent(s), but as far as other family members, it's up to you.

Answer 30

Your adoptive parents are your parents.  They raised you.  Sometimes I do miss Mom, though.  I'd like to see her again.

Answer 31

I'm sorry that you are going through that.  In my opinion, you don't owe your  biological parents anything.  Your adoptive parents are you raised and loved you.  My heart goes to you and your adoptive parents.