I am confused about where to hold my wedding ceremony-my boyfriend is a protestant and I am catholic?

Question

He said he had no problem marrying in the catholic church as a physical place, but he doesn't like all the strings that seem to be attached. Now, he seems really set on having his father marry us, who is a pastor of the christian missionary alliance. I have been raised catholic, go to church often and am from an all catholic family. I asked my mother what she would think of me if I were to not get married in a catholic wedding-and now her and my father aren't even talking to me! What should I do?

As a side note, I don't know what we will do once married. We both like going to church and I want to be able to enjoy it together. I would have no problem attending his church-but I don't want to upset my parents either.

Answer 1

Well, it doesn't really sound like you're that devout a Catholic anyway if you don't understand why the Church has certain rules concerning marriage.

What you think of as strings is really preparing you for marriage as well as protecting your soul. Just as a parent makes rules for the good of their child, the Church does the same for her children.

But as a Catholic, you do have to be married by a Catholic priest. His father can partake in the ceremony, but the vows have to be led by the Catholic priest/deacon and no one else.

Yes there are some things he has to agree to:

--He will not stop you from attending Mass

--He will agree to raise the children Catholic

--You will both attend the Pre-Cana Classes



(I did those and they were great! Fun, informative and you find the issues both of you really do need to discuss)

--You both are open to life (meaning, no abortions, no birth control, no sterilzation or mutilation to the reproductive organs)

The reason there are these classes and such is to make sure you are ready for marriage. And that you do 100% understand that you are getting married for life. They are important and I don't see them as strings at all.

My fiancee is part of the Church of Christ, so I understand the difference in views, but we have talked them over and he has agreed with the terms. There's a reason for everything the Church does, you just have to want to know why.

Talk to a priest, he can include your boyfriend's father in the ceremony, but he cannot officiate it.

If you do not get married in a Catholic Church, then you will have to give up the Eucharist until your marriage is blessed by the Church. Just keep that in mind.

Answer 2

Well you could do like one of my cousins did... She had her priest and his pastor co-officiate. Some elements from both faiths, that satisfied both parties. They were married in the catholic church.

As far as attending church, you could compromise and say one day of the week go to his church, and one day of the week (mid-week maybe) go to your church.

It's about compromise.

good luck to you. :)

Answer 3

You need to talk with your parish priest.  Please give him a call.

Most likely, you can wed in the Catholic church . . . and father-in-law who is a pastor will be welcome to add his blessing or prayer at the end of the ceremony.

But talk to your priest.

And please get some premarital counseling.  Resolve any religious differences BEFORE marriage.  You two need to decide in what faith any children will be raised, and it needs to be decided now.

Your priest can be most helpful in clearing up any misunderstandings your groom (and/or his family) may have about the Catholic faith.

Answer 4

Strings - he would have to agree to you raising the children RC. He no longer has to agree to do so himself. I'd say that pretty much everything important has been covered. Some priests will not marry non-Catholics, so you might have to shop around, explaining which parish you're from might get one who will marry you even though you're not in his parish.

Talk to your parents. Why would they be against you not having an RC wedding? This could cause problems down the road if your children decide they like their father's church more, and like you said, with you two attending church. Are they even going to be ok with you just having a Liturgy of the Word? (Please don't have a Mass, there's really good reason that they discourage it in cases like yours, it's not fair to your husband or to his family). If your parents are very aggressively not talking to you get their priest involved in talking to them.

My Mennonite fiance and I (there's a difference, forget which church we take the kids to to get baptized, we have to decide if we bapitze them as kids) attend at both churches many weekends. I go to the Saturday Vigil mass, he attends if there's time, and then we go to his church on Sunday morning. If I'm too busy to make it to mass on Saturday I skip his church.

We're having his pastor be a part of the service, she's probably going to be doing the readings and the homily. We had the option of getting his father to be involved, but the decision was made at my sister-in-law-to-be's wedding that my future father-in-law wanted to be father of the bride (and now of the groom) instead of working. Does your father-in-law to be want to be the officiant, or is your fiance looking for a way to have the wedding reflect both your religious traditions (very important to make sure you do this).

Your preCana will likely require an additional session because it's an inter-church marriage. Ours was a lot of fun, most of what it covered we had already discussed, but it was useful to be told that "yes, these are issues" and to meet with the teacher couples they had for that. And the mentor couple we had for our base course was also good, they'd been doing the course for years and had had a number of people there who were not impressed with the fact that they were going to have an RC wedding.

Hope you have a good resolution to this problem.

Answer 5

First, it's a long held Christian tradition that a wedding takes place in the bride's church, if the bride desires it.  Yes, there are "strings" with the Roman Catholic marriage process, but it helps to look at them in the right spirit. The purpose of all the rules and "strings" is to take marriage seriously, and to put as much effort into becoming husband and wife for a lifetime as you put into planning a ceremony that lasts an hour. Looked at that way, that PreCana is to get you to think seriously abt your marriage and your future, why would your fiance object? You need to get a copy of the Code of Canon Law ASAP so you know what your rights and responsibilities are under RC theology and canon law; priests don't always know Canon Law, and some interpret it to their own, uh... "understanding". Google or Amazon search  "Canon Law Marriage", and pick up it up, and maybe a book or two explaining how marriage prep works in the RC church. We did that when my hubby and I were married in my church (Prot), and our marriage is sacramentally valid in the RC church. It can be done!  We went through Pre-Cana, the premarital counseling, filled out the forms, and when the priest asked if he would promise to do all in his power to raise our children "in the church" he said yes.  Sticker about that was, we had talked it over, and prayed over it and cried a little, but WE decided any kids would be raised in my denomination. So he felt he had already done all he could, and could sign the forms in good faith, since he was committed to raising our children in a Christian home. And we have, together.

You have more profound issues getting reading for this marriage than "where" this ceremony will be.  Sorry, sweetie, but if you don't know / haven't talked about, and are aren't working out together what you'll do about your faith life after you get married, you're not ready to be married. It sounds like your families are already pulling emotional games and having a religious tug o war over you two. Can you two stand up to yr parents, not as children, but as adults to adults, lovingly, respectfully, firmly? For the sake of your marriage, you need to be together as one flesh, building a unified home together. Can you do that? Is your fiance ready to leave mother and pastor-father, and, forsaking all others, join first and only to you?  

BTW, I wasn't just any Prot woman marrying a devoutly Italian RC guy - I was and am still a Prot clergy woman, a pastor, so when I say we got married in my church, I mean we got married in MY church. And 18 years and one happily Prot-with-RC touches kid**  later, we're still together, I think because we worked things out, made some tough decisions together, and didn't hope or pretend the issues would go away, or go with the "it'll be better after" or "we'll decide later".      (**at his RC elementary school kindergarten "grad" my little Prot boy got to lead the whole school in the "Hail Mary".  And both his RC and Prot grandparents couldn't have been happier or more proud)