I am confussed and think I'm leaving my boyfriend after two years. over getting engaged. Please help?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. Last month we decidid to move intogether with my 3 year old son. He is from a previous marriege that ended just around the time he was born. (It was young love that was never meant to be) Now my boyfriend and I have talked about marriege a few times, and he has mentioned I can expect a ring within 6 months.

I stoped talking about engagments an such with him because I did not want him to feel forced, and I had come to terms when he is ready he will ask.

The other nigth while laying in bed as I was about to fall alseep. He rolled over and told me that latley what has been on his mind is the fact that he can't stop thinking about how much he wants to be able to marry me. It took me by total surprise because he is not someone that talks about his feelings easily. He kept talking about it as I was trying to let it roll off my back because i didn't want to get excited over nothing. Then he went as far as to say in the last two years we have had some of the most amazing times and he wants them to continue for the rest of his life. He said he looks frward to having children and wants to be married in a year and a half or so, preferably april of 2010. We talked about rings and affordability, and I went to sleep happier then I have been in ages.

I was thrilled that he finally was ready and then last night he threw it all away. I am so confussed and hurt, I was on the computer and asked him to look at my two favorite places for receptions. He has heard me talk of them before and he sat down and looked at them. He looked at the menus even when all i asked was to look at the place, and the outside etc. I told him that I was thinking I knew he wanted an april wedding bu I was hoping late fall or early november. (I never said of 2009 or 2010 though) He said he wants something that has gardens he wants all blooming flowers and thats why he wants a spring wedding.. I laughed and said well we have time so we can discuss that down the road, but I hope we can agree april is not when I want the wedding I was married to my ex husband in April nothing big and fancy just a small ceromony at my familys house, but still April just seemed bad since my amrriege was horific. He agreed and then looked at more pictures of a different place and he said he really liked it and the prices fit our budget.

AND THEN

When we layed in bed I could tell something was on his mind. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he thinks I am rushing and doing thigns way to fast. That there is no reason I should have him looking at pictures of places on the internet, and that he didn't even get me a ring yet. Followed by I still really want to Marry you but your talkinga bout afall wedding which would be only a year away or two years away, and he went on into I always thought when I got married I would own my own home and be settled by then. It scares me that I actually know I want to marry you. I was floored and hurt I told him that if he wasn't ready we wouldnt plan on getting married. He said he wants to marry me, and then he followed it with but you are rushing things way to fast. Then he was like why are you doing this we have talked in the past I told you I'll get your a ring with in 6 months... I told him I didn't want to talk anymore about it. I was crushed I can't understand why he would ge this way. Why he would talk to me the way he did the other night and now talk like this. Since we had talked about it in the past why would you bring it up and get into such detail including the time of year etc...

I am very hurt and I feel that I will not be getting a ring anytime soon, if you know you want to marry someone why would you be upset that they looked at places. I've told him that now a days especially witht he scheduales we have it takes a good year and then some to plan a wedding, but in his mind he thinks once the ring is on the finger you need to get married with in a year...

I am really hurt I feel betrayed like he has toyed with my head. He knows how I am with trust, and I completly opened up to him and I feel like he just took that all away. How can I ever believe what he says to me after what he said last night..

Can someone help me put this into perspective because I feel like he is making excuses now and that he really is not ready for any type of commitment. Otherwise we would be shopping for a ring...

I feel like packing my stuff and going and I honestly can't believe how hurt and betrayed I feel over this.. its embarassing because I never care I always brush things off and have a smile on my face.. All I seem to be doing today is sitting at my desk making sure not to look at the pictures of him and I and hoping he works late so I can go to sleep with out having to see him... I am so confussed

Answer 1

I think that since you said you don't want to even look at him, then this is a problem that is a little beyond fixing and you should maybe think it over on whether it is a good ideal or not to stay with him. If he is like this now how will he be in a few years or more. I've heard from many marriages that guys change for the worst after they get married, so if he is hurting you now and he's messing with you with lies, then that probably won't change later on.So the question becomes do you think that it is worth it or will you just continue to suffer? Then again, he might just be nervous but might really want to marry you, but if that is the case, he should be honest with you, and if he's not comfortable telling you how he feels then you're not ready for marriage anyways. I would say talk to him and see what he says, if you're not happy with his answer or feel in any way that he is lying to you, rethink being with him. Just follow you heart, and if you know that you love him very much and want to stay with him, then do that. Do what feels right!!

Good Luck

Answer 2

he said he wanted to marry you, and he said he still does. just listen to what he has to say. he's scared because he opened up to you and told you he wanted to marry you and you blew it way up and started even planning the wedding. there is no need to be that upset, he still wants to marry you, just not so fast .

Answer 3

Yes you are confused.

You're being selfish from what I see.  And you are rushing things.  You keep doing that, and you will start pushing him away, and he will be the one to pack his bags and leave instead of you.  There are too many men already that are not even a father to their own children, much less someone elses child.  Not too many guys will become a father to a child from another man.  Seems like you aren't taking the time to really appreciate what you already have.  You should be thankful for a guy like that, and be way, way, wayyy more patient with him don't you think?

Answer 4

Personally I believe that (IF) you're living together and already having s*x before marriage, that is wrong and it instantly causes a lack of respect between the two of you from day one.  You cannot avoid that disrespect from happening if you have s*x before marriage.  You miss out on so much of the special part of a relationship, like the buildng up of respect for each other especially.  You may have to look at that one day and realize that it very much hurt your relationship.

My first impression after reading all that is that you ARE rushing things, and being selfish.  So he said he wants to marry you.  Be content with that.  You should stay away from "discussing details" about a future marriage until you are BOTH ready.  I don't think you're looking at yourself hard enough here.  You just keep looking at everything from your OWN viewpoint and how it all affects only you.

You need to try harder to look at everything from his viewpoint and try to understand how it ALL may be affecting him too.  Not just you.  And even thinking about just packing up and leaving.  THAT is childish to say.  You're rushing it all, so now you have pushed him into doubt mode.  You're making the whole beautiful marriage experience WAY too stressful.

You two need to go out for a long evening together (maybe even 2 or 3) and just relaxxx, and just enjoy being with each other again.  No stress.  Don't even say one word about marriage during that time at all.  Just go back to what brought you two together in the first place.  Because THAT is what will be keeping your marriage together 50 years from now.  You're already in danger of losing that if you keep rushing him and pressuring him.  God Bless you.

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Answer 5

this is not your fault and it seems like he is a typical man, what probably happened is that he was excited abt the wedding then realisedc that being married is a huge commitment of course being a guy he needed to blame you for that and come up with an excuse when he gets a grip then maybe ucan consider working things out

Answer 6

Wow! There is alot going on here. I will begin with, DONT pack your stuff and up and leave. He loves you. It is really clear he does, why else would he open up to you and express himself so deeply and emotionally? Think about that for a minute and relish in the fact that you have someone who opened up to you and loves you and even more so, wants to plan a future with you and your son. What it sounds like is that the both of you are having back and forth banter about wedding issues and it is these arguments that is causing him to "retreat" in defense mode where he is protecting himself because you two are going back and forth in this state that is not healthy for any couple. Agreeing on huge things like weddings is stressful and maybe you guys jumped into it too soon. Why dont you each make up a list of what you want in your wedding and then share it together over a nice dinner, discuss some compromises that you can make (like not having it in april, etc). Take it really slow, you have time and wait for the ring without pressure because remember, love is patient and gentle. Goodluck!  

Answer 7

Hello! First of all, please believe me when I say I understand how you must feel.  So hurt and so upset.  I think from what you've written that your boyfriend has some level of commitment phobia.  Maybe a break would be a good idea but to make things clear to both of you.  You could use it as a trial time to 'realise' how you really feel about each other.  Even a couple of weeks away from each other might be a good idea.  Explain to him that you are not pressurising him but that you don't want to continue in a state of confusion.  I hope everything works out for you, I really do.  This is probably what he needs to give him the gentle hint to be a man and treat love as something serious.

Answer 8

i think that what u have is true love and that he wants to be married however he is afraid of his feelings and  what could happen. i can connect with those feelings so ill talk for him. he loves a lot and wants to be with u but he is scared out of his mind he cant open up and their is a reason just by telling u all those things bout how he wants to be with u is him being honest and the most u can ask. however he is hurting u but not on purpose he is so scared he cannot think of wat it is doing to u. i think that u should hang in and not talk about marriage and even when he does don't let it get to ur head which is hard to do i understand. however if this goes on for to long u deserve to be with someone that is postive he wants to be with u goodluck i know it will work out for u