I am doing this for the wrong reason, aren't I ?

Question

What makes my case different from other teen mom is that I'm not giving my unborn up because I'm lacking financial support(I have an internship and few fonds that my parents have been saving for me since I was young. I'm giving my unborn up out of fear and repect to my father.

Here's what happened to me, I was dating a guy in college for almost a year, my parents found us out and wanted me to break up with him, so that what I did. In my culture(Japanese), Father has the authority in the family, plus he's a prominent figure in our asian community, I did this to save his face.

After I broke up with my ex bf, I found out I was pregnant, although I have been taking birth control pills. At first we fought over having an abortion, but in the end my father reduced the baby's sentence to adoption. I want to go to Japan and deliver there so my grandparents can watch over the baby for 1 year, that's the time I needed to graduate.

Answer 1

No just go behind your father's back and have the kid.  He can't stop you from keeping the baby.  It's your baby not his.  Maybe you and your child will be better off without being around your parents.

Answer 2

I've been following your questions for a while now.  Things are obviously happening fast.  Momo, you need a little time to yourself to think things through.  Your respect for your father is a good thing, but it's your life, not his.  Planning an adoption is a good thing, but you ought to be working with an agency, one that can provide you some counseling and help you to pick out adoptive parents (not necessarily the ones your father wants).  They will probably advise you, for legal and ethical reasons, not to keep this a secret from the baby's father.  But there's still time for you to think about all this.  Do not let anyone (your father, potential adoptive parents, friends, or the yahoos here on Answers) rush you into a decision you are not ready to make.  The example from here: my baby was in foster care for five weeks before his birth mother made her final decision and picked us to be his adoptive parents.  Listen to your heart, listen to your doubts, listen to your trusted friends, listen to the wind in the trees, and take your time.

Answer 3

Without being very familiar with the Japanese culture it is difficult for me to answer, but I will give my opinion.  If you want the baby and are able to provide for him/her, you should have it.  This may sound cold but there comes a time when you must grow up and lead your own life despite what your parents (father) say.  Someday your father will die (we all do) but, you will have the child for the rest of your life.  I don't know for sure but the chances are your father may be angry but he will get over it.

Answer 4

Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl.... If you want to keep your baby... then keep it.

Don't let him/her be "sentenced", as you put it, to anything.

Culture aside... you're still a human... with your own mind!!

Besides,

I live in Japan... I'll watch the little ankle biter! Hehehe!

Honestly, do what YOU want, not what your parents want.

Answer 5

You are young and still in school, I believe you should give the baby up for adoption. Not for your father or you but for the child. If you keep this child how will you support the child? How will the grandparents look at the child? Will the child feel like an outcast as he/she is older? Get an education and marry then have a child. You don't want to bring a child into this world knowing that child is going to be an outcast to your family, talk about low selfesteem. Do it for the child not your or your father, I wouldn't even tell the birth father unless you decide to keep the child. I hope things go better for you and good luck.

Answer 6

Oh golly, different cultures are very hard...

whatever happens just look to the future and make sure it is somthing you will Not regret doing..go with your head, rather then your heart..thats what I did (Im a birth mum) and Ive never regreted it.

But then again I am Australian and my culture has no historical reference like the japanese.

You are in a tough situation lovie. :(

Do what is best for YOU..not your parent and not your boyfriend.  You are #1 right now.

Best wishes :)

Answer 7

It seems to me that you need to mature a lot. You may have a father that is overbearing and heartless...but DO NOT blame him for the situation you find yourself in. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for your actions. A mature person realizes the consequences of s*x and thinks to themselves " I'm not ready to have children so I shouldn't be engaging in sexual activity."

Give the child up to a loving set of parents that want it and are mature enough to raise it.

Answer 8

I have nothing against your culture but this is America and in America if you are over the age of 18, you may make any and all decisions regarding you, your body and anything else. If you want this baby, then you have it and there is nothing your father can do about it. I understand in not wanting your father to be angry with you but you need to decide            what makes you happy in life. You can't live your life making other people happy...I've been in the same situation and haven't had a relationship withmy father in 4 years because I dropped out of college and moved in with my boyfriend (husband as of 7/7/07). I don't regret my decision one bit because I am happy with a wonderful fiancee and a beautiful baby and another on the way and that's all that matters. Good luck in whatever you do, but remember to do it for you...not your father.

Answer 9

I dont understand your culture so I cant really comment on that but I will give you my opinion.

I can understand that you dont want to let your father down but I think you should keep your baby, its your baby and not your fathers. He should put himself in your shoes, it must be very difficult for you. I wouldnt want you to lose your family but I think you would regret giving up your baby in years to come. The father of your child also deserves to know about his baby too.

I really wish you luck, follow your heart!!!

Answer 10

If you are putting this child up for adoption, what makes you think the Father and his family wouldn't want to raise this child.  He has legal rights as the Father, if you give up rights during adoption, he can still chose to raise this child as he has legal rights and did not give them up.  

If you are gonna keep the baby, why not allow him to know his Father.  If you loved  this man enough to sleep with him, maybe he is the one for you.  I understand your Father's rules as per custom.  If this man you laid with and became pregnant with loves you, maybe you could have the support you both needed to raise this child through HIS parents.  

I guess I do not understand a culture that will cast out their own blood because of what others will think.  

I am so sorry for your predicament.  Do what you fell is right, go deep into your heart.  Best of luck to you.

Answer 11

MoMo, I understand about respecting your father. However, you live in north America now where single mothers and their families do not "lose face". If that is the community you live in, it is time to move on - as a family.

Also, this child is YOURS and you will have to live your own life. Your parents can not live your life for you. Once you start regreting giving up your baby, will you still respect your father - in your heart? It seems to me that he wants *obedience*, not respect.

I think you have two likely outcomes: you give up the child and regret it always (you seem to want to keep your child) or you keep the child and probably your father disowns you. I am just giving you the worst case scenarios and then go from there. Which is more tolerable for you?

The middle ground, of course, is that your father understand that there is no shame whatsoever in being a single mother any more. As other posters said, he is not respecting you as an individual. Now, have you talked to your grandparents in Japan? Will they really be able to raise your baby? If that's the case, take them on your side and have them talk to your father - they are his elders, so shouldn't he respect THEM?

Answer 12

Momo, you have had your baby's best interests in mind from day one, and I respect you so much for that.  It's your father who's doing things for the wrong reason!

Answer 13

If it were me, I would not give up my child for my parents. I understand you want to respect him but maybe you can let your boyfriend know some how and you two can work it out together and make the decisions. Afterall he is the father and he should be involved.

My sister got pregnant young and my parents tried to pressure her. Thankfully she didn't cave and he came and my parents loved that baby to death. Her marriage to a different man has not been effected by this child at all. Nobody would have changed the outcome now that he is here.

Answer 14

I think that you need to sit and meditate on what it is you want...If you are in Canada or America then no you have not lost anything and who really cares about money so long as you marry for love...Do what's best for you not what's best for everyone else...it's wonderful that you respect your father that much but what about his respect for you???

Answer 15

I understand that this is a difficult situation for you, because of your cultural history and that of your parents.  I think you have two choices here:

*  You can honor your father's wishes, and give the baby up for adoption.  If you feel that you would be unable to withstand your father's displeasure, and that you would be unhappy for the rest of your life because of it, then perhaps this is the way to go.   As an adoptive parent of three beautiful Asian daughters, I can tell you that your baby will most likely be very loved by this family, and will have a great life.  And you will go on to have other children in the future, and maintain your close relationship with your parents.

*  You can make all the decisions regarding the baby according to your own wishes.  This would include going to Japan to have the baby and having your grandparents watch over him/her, or choosing an adoptive family yourself to take the baby, or deciding to keep the baby and raise it on your own.

This is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life, one way or the other, and there is no easy answer.  But look into your own heart before you decide what to do, and base your decision on what you feel YOU can live with forever.    Good luck!

Answer 16

oh dear, what a situation. i know japanese culture can be very strict- but what it comes down to is, what do you want? are you happy with the baby growing inside you? you dont need to wait for a successful rich man, also if youre at college you are old enough to make your own decisions, do you still care for your old boyfriend? tell him about the baby, its his child too. and then maybe you can make the decision together. what happens if you meet a man later and for some medical reason you cant have children? would you be upset you gave your baby away now? there are very good families cant have there own children out there, that would be good for adoption,but if your father is that important, and you are still questioning whether he is right or not then maybe you having doubts? sorry is such hard choice, iv got a baby and i would do anything to protect him. but my circumstances are different to yours. what it comes down to in your life is whats most important to you, education, money or love? the rest will work out eventually, whatever you choose. good luck and be happy. x

Answer 17

Keep your baby!  Your father should know what it feels like to be a parent.  If he is a good parent he would not ask you to do this. If you are unsure about what to do I know that you would have so many regrets and it is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  Think about your child needing his or her mother.  Sending Love your way!

Answer 18

You are an adult now, and facing a very adult decision, but the main thing is YOU need to decide what would be best for YOU. Can you live with yourself if you gave the baby up for adoption? Or deep in your heart do you want to keep it? By law your father CANNOT make you give up the child since it is your signature that goes on the paper, even if you aren't 18. So you need to think of yourself. Yes, it would be hard having a baby, but it's also hard giving it to someone else to love and raise. So you need to search your heart and decide what's best for you. Your dad may not happy in any way over this, but this is your life, not his. Personally I think there's no shame in bringing a baby into the world and keeping it if that's what you want to do. No one here can make the decision for you, only you can, but *you have to do what's best for you* NOT your dad. Once your signature are on those papers, and the waiting period (if there is one) is over, that's it. That child is no longer yours. So really think.

Big (((HUGS))) to you on this very difficult decision. Only you can make it. Best of luck.

Answer 19

do whats right in ur heart

Answer 20

wow hard situation, i understand your loyalty and respect for your father but he isnt showing you any respect as a person or an adult. it is your body, your baby and your choice... If your grandparents are willing to look after your child and this is a decision you can live with it may be a good idea. I know you hvae broken up but what does your boyfriend think of all this it is his child to. a baby is a blessing not a curse best of luck to you

Answer 21

Good Lord... Grow  a spine.

This is your life not your FATHER'S! You messed up and got pregnant. Raise your child. You can have a great life as a single parent or with your boyfriend for that matter. He deserves to know that he is a father.

I know it's hard to go against your culture, but do you want that restriction and blame for your child in his or her future.

Take responsibility for your actions and keep your baby.

Answer 22

i really feel for you, and i understand the cultural restrictions you are under right now. but, the bottom line is that this is a decision that you have to make for your life. have you read what you wrote? your father is controlling every aspect of your life. from who you date to what happens to your baby. i agree with the whole 'its your body/baby' thing, but what about the baby's father? if this is someone you cared about, how could you not let him know? your father is not only dictating what goes on in your life, but it is affecting the lives of that baby and his or her father too. i am american, my hubby is from africa. we had our son out of wedlock and his parents (because of the cultural differences) did not speak to him for almost a year. now they love their only grandson, and i know they regret the wasted year. if you want this baby, and it sounds like you do, and your grandparents can help where your parents won't, let them help. whether you get back together with the baby's dad or not, any future relationships you have will not be hindered by this kid. you want someone who loves you and your kid. it won't be an easy road, but you have to follow your heart. if you truly don't want to be a mother right  now give the baby up to someone who can and will. but if you are giving him or her up b/c your father says so, i can't agree with that. getting pregnant without being married was a mistake, but babies are a gift.

Answer 23

There is only one RIGHT decision here:

Do what you know deep down in your heart is truly BEST FOR THE CHILD-- not just now, but in five years, ten years,  fifteen and twenty years, too.   And, no matter what that decision is, make sure nothing can stop you from giving this to the baby, and then you know you made the right decision -- no matter what that is!

Answer 24

Many women place their babies for adoption for lots of reasons.  Finances are not the only determining factor.

Have you been here?:

http://forums.adoption.com/birthparents/

It would be a great place for you visit and chat with birthparents.  They are a great group of people that have helped me even though I'm an adoptive mom.

I'm still following your situation and hoping for the best for you.

Answer 25

Alright, once again I'm going to be a bit different with my answer.

Here is the plain awful truth when it comes to adoption and becoming a birthmother.  You aren't a birthmother and you cannot choose adoption before the baby is born.  You may think you can, but you can't.

Until that baby is born you are it's mother.  There isn't a state in the union that allows for pre-birth adoption.  *You* are that baby's mother.  YOU.  Anyone who says otherwise is spoon feeding you the adoption koolaid.

That's not to say that you can't think about adoption because you can.  The proper thing to do is explore your options fully.  What if you were to parent your child?  What programs are out there to help you get on your feet?  A lot of times women who place their children for adoption are in a temporary hardship.  It's why you are considering leaving your child with your grandparents.  What if there was a way to keep your child with you, wouldn't you want to explore that possibility?

At the same time, you can explore adoption.  Keep in mind though that while you are building confidence in whether or not you can be the right mother for your child, those potential adoptive parents can look overwhelming perfect.  It is easy to dismiss what you can bring to parenting when compared to the picture perfect people.  Even if you find the right people who you would consider as potential adoptive parents, until you birth that baby you are the mother.  It's not until after birth and after you meet your child that you can decide on adoption.  Even if you match with a potential family, you are not an incubator for someone else.  Do not disconnect from your child.  I say this not to sway you out of choosing adoption, but because if you do choose adoption you will look back and quite likely be disappointed with yourself for not speaking up, not trying all your options, or most of all not claiming your child while s/he was still yours.

Did you read that study I linked you up a few questions back about protecting the rights of the birthparents?  If not, you should read it.

As for telling the father of your child, you need to.

Answer 26

Culture is a very hard thing to mess with and if you plan to marry someone from your culture then I think its best to listen to your father. Although I do realize that you can support the child it may not actually be in the best interest for you to keep the child. 1. You will be a single parent, 2. You will not have your familys support so you will be doing this alone 3. You are a teenager and didnt yet finish school which I understand you want to do 4. You will mess up you and the babys chance for a good future which isnt what you want for the baby so give it a chance with a good family who is looking to love the child and give it the best life he can have. Money isnt everything. Good Luck!! You will not feel sorry!!

Answer 27

This is a decision that you (in most cases) cannot go back and change later. Be absolutely sure, before making a decision. This is between you and your baby............follow your heart and do what is right for both of you.

Marie