I am having a moral dilema...?

Question

About 7 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy, we were both 19, and I got pregnant. We never had good communication and I we were only together for 4 months. When I found out I was pregnant we were not speaking to each other. Not for any reason, we just stopped talking. And I had not talked to him since. I did not even know where he was until now. He has no idea that he has a 6 year old son. I have the opportunity to tell him. Should I? We still ha vent talked I just ran into an old friend who is also his friend. My son has a "dad" that he thinks is his dad, who was with me through my whole pregnancy. We split up about 3 years ago, because he got into drugs. He still spends time with him every once in a while. What should I do? I am afraid it will make everyone mad if I tell the truth. I have no idea what is biological dad is like these days either, so that makes it even more difficult. Any sugesstions would be helpful. thanks

Answer 1

the real dad has a right to know. tell him, then go on Maury

Answer 2

I think you should tell the dad. I think your child has a right to know who their dad is.

Answer 3

Do you want the morally right answer or the answer that makes it easiest on you?  I don't mean to sound harsh, just honest.

The biological father has every right to know.  Fathers have hearts and feelings too.  That is his child as much as it is yours.  He didn't walk out on you, you made the choice to not tell him.  He never had the chance to decide.  He could turn out to be a wonderful father and be of much help to you.  

Your son is young enough that he would probably be easily accepting to have a Dad.  You can't deprive your son of a father.  The longer you wait the worse it will be.

The truth will come out eventually.  How will your son feel about you if he finds out you withheld the opportunity for him to have a father in his life when he gets older?  The truth is bound to come out.  It sounds like you really know what to do in your heart.  Especially for your son's sake.  It could turn out to be a wonderful thing and if not what do you have to loose?

Best of luck.  Just remember you are playing God with a father/son relationship.   If you don't I'm sure it will weigh on your mind for the rest of your life.   If he chooses not to be part of your son's life you are in no different situation than you are now.   It sounds like the man he thinks of as "dad" is not a very good role model.  Please give it a chance.  

Answer 4

Talk to the father first.  You owe it to him and to your son to let them have the opportunity to know eachother, whether it works out in the longrun or not.  Imagine what it will do to your child the day he finds out you never told him the truth...and he WILL eventually find out.  It's YOU he'll be angry with.

Put your own fear aside and do the right thing.  

Answer 5

Since he doesn't know he has a son, he needs the opportunity to make decisions if he wants in the child's life. Find out first, how much money does he make? Can he afford a lawyer to try to get custody of your son? Find out his lifestyle..you know, what if he is into drugs too. Find out if he has other kids and a wife. There is so much at this time you need to think about. One day, before your son is a certain age you will have to tell him about his dad. I don't think right now he is at an age to understand what has gone on. Don't let him resent you when he's a teen and somehow he find's out. Be careful in this decision, it could open a can of worms you can't get out of...Hope the best for you

Answer 6

You need to find out more information about your son's dad before you blow his mind and your son's mind and then end up regretting it.  If he is a jerk or has problems, you should leave well enough alone.

Answer 7

I would find out what kind of a guy this man is now by asking questions of his friends and googling him or something.  If he turns out to be a decent guy, you should tell him, but I would tell your son first.  It's never right to live a lie for your son or anyone else.  And how good of an influence can this other guy be since he's been getting into drugs?  These men both have a right to know the truth and so does your son.  You may have to have DNA run to prove it.

Answer 8

You really need to talk with your son! Your playing mind games with him by not letting him know who his real father is! Kids understand a lot more than you think!

Also, find out what kind of character his biological father is! Is he a drug addict? Does he work? He could be a real douche bag (like I suspect that he is according to your description).

Answer 9

Sounds sort of like the plot line for that TV show October Road.

I think I would let it go unless/until he asks you if that's his kid.  If he saw the boy and had suspicions and wanted to know and be involved in his life, he would probably ask you.  If he doesn't ask, I would leave it alone.  At best, it would create lots of confusion for the child who already has someone he thinks of as "dad", and for this guy as well.

It might make him feel pressured to provide you with money or time, and I'm not sure that's what you want or the kid needs at this point.

At worst, if he were angry that you never told him before, or somehow hurt or disappointed your child, where's the good in that?

Let it go unless he asks.

Answer 10

You better tell the father, thats cruel NOT too...maybe he will help you financially,,,and sounds to me like the boy does need him...I would tell him, who cares what other people think...dont keep it from him or your child.

Answer 11

Simply put, biological dad, has every right KNOWING he has a son. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Look at your son, could you live your life never knowing about him? Of course not.

You need to tell him, and your son the truth. This other man who he calls "dad" is NOT dad.. and he's only spending time with him once in awhile.. your own words.

Who's to say this other guy wouldn't want to be there ALL the time for him, as your son deserves? At the very least you should tell him.. give him the choice, and if he wants to meet his son, then let him. You'll know when the time is right to tell your son the truth, which, I hope will be sooner rather than later. I'd certainly hate to think how he'd feel if he didn't find out till he was grown.. it could cause alot of grief later on down the road for you, as he will think, no.. he will KNOW you've lied to him all these years.  

Answer 12

I think that he does have a right to know, but that you need to do whats best for you & your son. He might get mad and it might not be pretty but than he has the option to know his kid....(unless you decide that he isnt a good person to be around your son) anyway good luck :)

Answer 13

Tell him.  Also tell your son.  I know your son may not fully comprehend right now but both of them deserve to know the truth.  If you aren't talking to him then write him a letter.  If everyone gets mad then so be it..besides it won't last.  Yes the biological dad may not be the best guy but he deserves to know.  I'm adopted and my biological dad isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread but he tries.  Let him try to be a dad and let your son decide when he's old enough whether to continue the relationship.

Answer 14

2 points!