I am in dire need of advice regarding communication, or lack thereof and analyzing this entire situation.?

Question

This is going to be rather long, so please bear with me!

I grew up without a father in the picture. My mom was somewhat 'cold,' but not as much as HER mom. I wasn't really exposed much to my father's side of the family, so all I know is the environment I grew up in.

Note: *You may very well be wondering how this is all relevant or what my point is. I am sure once you have read entirely through this you will understand.*

My mom always lacked in the communication department.

I was extremely sheltered and whenever I had a question my mom NEVER had an answer for me, or simply refused to discuss it with me, as it was never the 'time' to discuss such 'matters.'

First of all, I am wondering, how I can get her to communicate and be open and honest with me? When will be the RIGHT time? I STILL have questions, and dog-gone-it I WANT ANSWERS! I am 26 years old and I believe I deserve to, as well as have the right to, know what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened when I was a child! WHAT is she trying to hide? Who is she trying to protect?

Answer 1

some things aren't to be brought back up or talked about .... by you forcing or demanding that she tell you this is only making what happened in the past even worse.....just leave it alone .... that's the best thing to do in certian situations like these , you just have to take the hit and let it be sometimes.....It what makes you the better person.

Answer 2

First off, bless you for your courage and perseverance ... and your rightful longing for your voice.  I believe you can get there.

What's needed is compassion, truth and a willingness to share ... criteria that seems missing from your mother.  As such, without continuing to expect her to shift perspectives and suddenly come to "see" things from your point-of-view, it seems more reasonable to consider any other options that may be available to you.

Brothers:

Is it at all possible that one or all of your brothers can provide some of the information needed to help you begin to reconcile your childhood and adolescent years?  

Do your brothers have an understanding of what occurred in your family while you were growing up?   Do they know of the abuse your father directed toward you with the pornography and who knows what else?  Do they know of your father's abuse of your mother?

Can you honestly say to yourself that your brothers have empathy for your cause and may be willing to speak with you -without your mother present, of course?

Family Counselor

If s/he is still alive?  What about connecting with her/him and trying to pick up some of the pieces to determine if you -with the help of someone who came to know the family dynamics- can put enough back together to begin to feel a sense of resolution?

Extended Family

For example, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  is there anyone that would know first-hand the craziness you endured and would be willing to sit and discuss it with you?

Neighbors

Same for this group ... is it at all possible that someone was familiar with your family, witnessed the inappropriateness, and would try and help you piece your life together?

I absolutely believe you are not playing the so-called victim.  Your words -and reaching out to an otherwise objective community via a DBoard- indicate to me your frustration -as well as hope- and that you simply want answers ... answers you rightfully deserve.

Please don't interpret my suggestions as a means of ignoring your mother ... I'm not.  It just seems sensible, at this point, especially after all your efforts (that she has resisted), to not continue down that road and instead, seek solutions elsewhere.

When (if ever) your mother is ready to speak, she will.  Until then, it's not in your best interest to wait for her to speak with you -nor is it in your best interests to simply do nothing.

You are a strong young woman and your quest to put your life together is a noble and deserving one ... do not tolerate anyone telling you different.

Answer 3

first of all you cannot make anyone do anything but your self, second i think she also has things she has to figure out for herself, if she tells you it might make it worse on you because she doesnt know how to explain it to you.  Does she drink alot?  It's kinda hard for me to go off by what you wrote but I know that the only person you can really control is your self and the less you not try to control someone else is the more they do what wanted them to in the first place.

Answer 4

Maybe the past is too hard for her to face.

Do you think that would be something you'd like to drag out into the open?

I know it can be frustrating for you, but if you confront your mom about that time in HER life, she's not going to feel very comfortable. You are not the only one who suffered through that. The fact that you don't remember much of it might be a blessing. She probably knows that too.

You need to find some sort of help. There are resources for people who need mental help or maybe some local support groups for people who've been through abusive family situations.

You might want to think about meditation. It can help you learn to clear your mind and let the past go. It will also help you learn to control your reactions to negative memories and emotions. You might check if you can find a Buddhist temple in your area where you can talk with some monks about meditation or maybe take a class there.

Its fine to talk to your Mom, but maybe you should approach it from a supportive position rather than a demand for answers. She's as much a victim as you are and she wasn't a kid. For adults, time moves much more quickly. Things that happened ten years ago feel like they happened a few months ago. You aren't even the same person you were back then. You're an adult. But she is still herself. She knows much better than you the misery she had to endure. She's probably trying to save you from that as much as she can.

There is stuff in my own families past, that I just ignore. There's no point in going back and dredging up bad stuff I couldn't have done anything about anyway. Now is all that matters. The past is history and the future is just fantasy.

Good luck.