I am losing my son what can I do?

Question

I have been with my partner for 19 years for at least the last ten he has been a heroin addict and this has led to him being in prison for almost 7 years on and off. My son is 15 and loves his dad, (i also have an 18 year old girl and another 11 year old son). i have never had anything to do with drugs and stayed with their dad because I really loved him and thought it would get better. I have brought the children up on my own basically with their dad popping up every so often. He has just come out of prison after three years and moved in with us however aftre four weeks it is obvious things have changed I no longer need him or think i even love him anymore. He wouldnt get a job he started mixing with the wrong people again and made it obvious he was just using us, he even said he never wanted to come home but to get a flat so i told him to leave. Unfortunately my son has said he wants to be with him, his dad is on licence till 2010 and is not a good influence on him. I understand he wants to be with his dad but it hurts aftre all i have done for him. I am trying to keep calm and have told John he can come home anytime but is his dad able to keep him with him when I am his legal guardian? Who do I go to for help? what should i do i dont want to push my son any further away.

Answer 1

As your son is still 15 and your responsibility you may be able to get social services involved to make your ex stay away from your son. Certainly get the police involved if he is still offending and get this man away from your children. He may get sent back to prison which would be better for you and your kids. At 15 your son's impressionable and may look up to his dad if he seems exciting and takes him under his wing.

Good luck

Answer 2

go speak to social services, they aren´t as bad as people think and will try and help you as they will won´t to protect him, by putting him on the child at risk register if he lives with his dad and they will ban him having your son and so it will be either come home to you or go into care.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you don´t won´t your son turning into him, this is a mothers war now to save her son, even if he doesn´t realise his life may depend on it as will be dragged into his dad´s world

Good luck

Answer 3

Hi Linda

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.  You say that your son is only 15.  Maybe if you explain to him that the best way he can help his Dad is by being with you, working hard at school etc.  It may be the one thing that his Dad needs to keep himself on the straight and narrow, though sadly it sounds like he is too far down his chosen path for that.

You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own.  Get some help.  Speak to Social Services - ask to speak to a family therapist, family mediator.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.  But remember, you have done the best you can for your son - if he chooses to go, make sure he knows that there is always a home for him with you and that you don't condemn him or think less of his in his choice.

Answer 4

your son if 15, not 5, and at the end of the day, he can choose which parent he lives with. I'm not suggesting that you bribe him, as this will just cause more problems along the line, but make living with you seem more appealing - (just assumptions, but) you have a steady job, no criminal record, you have always taken care of him. you could always tell him that you think that his dad needs to spend some time on his own, so that he can find a flat, get a job (which will be made considerably harder considering his criminal record and his lack of motivation to do so). I'm thinking that by the time your partner has done this, your son will either choose to stay with you, or choose to live with his dad, and by this time, he will be a (slightly) more respectable member of society, and so you wouldn't need to worry so much about your sons happiness or welfare. just remember that your son is more important than scoring points against your partner, so at the end of the day, let him live where he will be safest, and happiest.

hope this helps and all goes well.

Answer 5

By reading that, I would get your son away from this man as soon as possible. At 15 you are very impressionable and very easy to push ideas onto. He thinks his dad is all cool at the moment, and a dealer would love to get him hooked as well as your partner.

This so called father is a bad influence and I would maybe see your solicitor about getting sole custody of them, so that he can't ruin their chance in life. I would phone him ans tell him under no certain terms you are coming to take him home, if his father refuses call the police. I am almost certain that they would side with you.

If it was my son, i would get him by his ears and bring him home. He wont thank you for it now, but he will later.

You need to keep this scum away from your children, its the least you can do! Stop history from repeating itself, and show your children that you can stand up to this kind of rubbish!

Crack heads never change, they just drag people down with them.

Answer 6

If your son lives with your partner THEN you will lose your son!

Answer 7

I think eventually, your son will realise that his dad is not the b all and end all of his life and see him for what he is. In the meantime of course a lot od damage could be done with your son being in the environment his father lives in.

As a 15 year old I don't think he is legally allowed to leave home although that would not stop a stubborn child if he really wanted to go.

What about if you tried to compromise and let him see his dad but lived at home.

Perhaps his dad, in his more realistic and lucid moments could help out by telling your son that his life is not rosy and he has not space for a young boy.

Other than seeking help from social services I don't know which body of people would be best to contact. I just wish you all the best.