I am lost..What do I do?

Question

Also, was very mentally and emotionally abusive. But lately has been so nice and sweet....ah my head hurts thinking about all this!

Answer 1

You separated 3 times?

You're separated now?

You've been to counseling and it hasn't worked?

Yes there's some regret when a marriage dies, and you're feeling it,

but this marriage needs to be buried already.

You'd just be hurting each-other more by hanging in with it.

Answer 2

I went through this very same thing. Right after my husband and I decided to end it, things got better. That's because we each knew we were ending an unhappy situation. Don't be lulled into thinking this short good time is anything but coming out of the relief of the impending divorce.

Go through with the divorce and you will find your true happiness. I did and that short nice time was just that. Use it to be friends with your ex. But remember there are good reasons why you are where you are now..in separation and soon a divorce.

Answer 3

Know this - if nothing has changed, then the results if you got back together would be the same too - you would be miserable.

If the three attempts at counseling changed nothing, then perhaps its because he just didn't want to change. If he was not willing to either change his ways, or accept responsibility for his part in it, then you can't "fix" that for him. If you tried over and over and failed, then you need to let it go.

The reason you are having second thought is not because you have hope for this relationship, its because change is scary, and the divorce is a major life change.  

Answer 4

You need to find a different counsellor, they are like clothes, keep trying until you find one that fits. You dont sound like you are ready for divorce at all. !st thing you need to do is ask yourself if you are having 2nd thoughts due to guilt? If not then go get yourselves a good counsellor. The worst that can happen is it wont work out..... or your only other choice as i see it is to let the divorce go through then spend the rest of your life wondering. This is a major issue.... nothing should be too much trouble to at least try.

Answer 5

Cold feet when you are about to end somthing that has been a part of you for so long, is natural.  Wether it is getting married or divorce.  What you need to look at is that, do you really need the pain, that comes with the security of being Married.  Some women will stick around for security or "what will people say", and children.  Can you live with the fault of your husband, can you FORGIVE him and then completely FORGET the past.  If you can not, then it is better you both part as friends, rather then stick around together and be even more bitter.  There is nothing deader than dead love!  Chances are togather you two will never sort out your differences and he won't forgive you for breaking his heart and you won't for him breaking yours, so why not just keep the friendship that you share now, and break the relationship that will even poisen the frendship that you have now.  Be independent yourself, depending on a man, you loose your self-esteem if he should turn out to be controlling and jealous, so stand on your own feet, so that only you control yourself, and not others around you.

Answer 6

you have not said reason of separation but even so, trust your instincts. it`s always right.

Answer 7

I have to agree with curious. You really won't be able to find an answer to that until you can define exactly why you want to stay and what things you both are willing and able to do to make it happen.

You then need to decide what you are willing to live with, both agree on the basics and follow through with those commitments.

If you are not willing or able to do these things, it doesn't matter how you feel about each other. Love in a marriage is a VERB. If you can't put those things into practice there is no point in the bad history repeating.

Edit: In light of the new details and accounts of abuse, this situation is toxic and dangerous to you. You honestly need to get out of that situation for your own safety. You should not even consider staying as an option.

Answer 8

Yep, and Im still in it. Dunno what to tell ya.

you could alwayz stay w/him til the "next best thing"

Answer 9

search in YOUR heart of hearts if 1) a reconcilliation is what YOU really wanted or your'e just afraid of a lot of things(eg being alone in old age etc) 2) do you still love him,as in REALLY LOVE HIM? coz sadly for most of us women,we can easily mistook pity,impulsiveness & other spur of the moment emotions for love 3)look closely for the REAL reasons why you think the reconcilliation efforts always end up in disaster,be true to yourself & face the facts,even the unpleasant ones that can come out of it & 4)then gather all the answers you find all together & see for yourself if things will still work out or it's about time to let go & let things be.