I am lost as to what to do with my life. This is long so bare with me...?

Question

I am 23 and a mom to a 3 yr old boy who is autistic. It is a mild case, but he needs round the clock therapy, and he frequently displays violent tantrums and behaviors. I was married to his father for a few years, however things turned very rocky after he lied / cheated and we went our separate ways. I have been dating my b/f now for a little over a year now and we live together. My ex and I share my son 50/50....

My b/f is having a hard time dealing with my son, b/c he has a 5 yr old son and my son frequently pushes and tries to hurt his son. Tensions are very high. When I'm not with my son, I always feel SO guilty, and dont want to be around my bf and his son cus I feel like i'm choosing them over my son *weird i know* My sons father wants me back, and wants to be a family again. I'm definitely not in love with him, but i admire him as a father and the patience he has for our special child. I hate to say it but my sons condition really deppresses me. I love him with all that I am, but its so depressing to be around him and I just fall apart and am a mess. Sometimes I just fantasize about leaving and never looking back...starting over.

I don't know whether to give it a shot with my husband? I Dont know what to do anymore... I just feel like my child and I didnt sign up for this disorder and it's literally turned me into a complete mess.

Answer 1

I understand how you feel even though I don't have an autistic child.  I don't think going back with your husband is going to solve anything.  However, maybe you and the b/f need to take a break.  Your b/f has to be supportive of you and your son, because of his autism.  I understand that it must bother him when your sit hits his, but there is not much you can do about it.

Maybe you and your son just need to be together for awhile, and see if things progress.  I think it is great that your ex-husband and you share custody, this gives you a nice break at the same time.

God bless you and your beautiful son.  

Answer 2

First things first, slight autism is like being a little pregnant. Your son is autistic period end of discussion. Next, autistic or not he cannot be allowed to have violent tantrums or behave in any type of physically violent way. The way to handle this by using behavior modification techniques especially utilizing proper time-outs (please consult a text or a psychologist who specializes in behavior modification for the correct procedure), and negative punishment (taking away things he wants such as treats or attention). You must have help dealing with this child, you need a strong support network, frequent breaks from him and a lot of training and education on the best ways to train him.

You will notice that I said frequent breaks. Do not feel guilty about needing to get away from the stress of this situation sometimes, it is absolutely essential that you do for your own health. Autism is one of the hardest things to deal with, even skilled professionals have a hard time with it. As a mother you want to do the best for him, as a person you want give him love and affection and attention and he can't handle any of it! Other parents of "normal" children have no idea how difficult this is to deal with. Give yourself a break hon!

Now the boyfriend has a point too, his son should not be asked to deal with violence. The solution lies in the above training. Your son can and must be taught not to behave physically. His son most be protected from these behaviors, at five he truly cannot understand what autism is or why your son is being "mean" to him. It could cause problems down the line (I have seen it often in siblings of autistics).

As to getting back with the dad, don't do it. Work together for the sake of your child but don't sell yourself because you feel at your wits end. There are other ways to get help and support without running an emotional gauntlet.

Now of course you fantasize about throwing in the towel, who wouldn't? This is a completely normal feeling in your situation, so again don't feel bad about it. Now buck up, go find a support group, a good training program for your son and yourself (again I stress behavior modification), and check in with your local mental health facility and see if they offer respite care to help you get a break when you need it.

My heart goes out to you. Be assured it can and will get better.

Answer 3

you and your new partner should go to couples counceling to get help working through this, and learn how you can help eachother instead of working against eachother

Answer 4

Do whatever is best for you and your child. (Deep down i'm sure you know it).  Hey sounds like you've been a loving, understanding, patient mom so far.  Never give up on your son because miracles do happen.  I heard toddlers can be very bratty he will grow out of it :)

In the meanwhile keep trying your best and eventually things will work themselves out.

Answer 5

sorry to here about your situation, if i were you i would stick with your boyfriend because he would never do anything to offend you, and just try and hope for the best between the two kids, he'll proably become more cooperative over time

Answer 6

First of all not every family has an angel living with them, as for your ex keep it that way,  

Answer 7

how sad!  but this sounds exactly like what jenny mccarthy was talking about. she said she went thru all those emotions including waqnting to run away!! so see if u can look up her book and read it.  i dont have an autistic child but i have read alot about it. read her book i hear its really good and good luck and praying will get u thru it! go to a barnes and noble website.