I am married and so is my assistant manager. He invited a one on one coffee date with me. Is this ok to do?

Question

My assistant manager and I get along great at work. He asked me to have coffee with him and i'm not sure what to say. We are great friends though we've never hung out outside of work before. He's going through some major health problems and says i'm the only one he feels comfortable talking to about this. He tells me that his wife is simply tired of hearing about how much pain he is in. I'm not worried about anyone at the office hearing about this since the two of us live outside the town we work in. I should also point out that we live in the same neighborhood. Am I doing something wrong by having coffee with him or is this ok to do? I'm really lost here. I asked my husband and he just blew it off like it was no big deal.

Answer 1

I'd say don't do it. He shouldn't be leaning on you for emotional support and not his wife...if she's tired of hearing it she should help arrange for him to talk to one of "their" friends or a counselor. Unless your husband is there, I'd say no.

Answer 2

If you have told your husband and he is secure enough to think its not a big deal then I say it is fine.  You can have male friends its just that you have to respect your husband and it seems that you do.  Even men need support.  I say have coffee and listen to him.  you may be the only person he has to talk to.  I have a close friendship with my x husband who is now married to someone else.  I respect the fact that he is married.  You should be fine.

Answer 3

Having coffee would be no problem, but being "the only one he feels comfortable talking to" is a BIG red flag.  Especially since he came right out and told you that he's talking to you as a substitute for his wife.  If I went, I would bring my husband along too.

Answer 4

I'm glad to hear you asked your husband what he thought, it's his opinion that will count in the end.

I believe it is possible for men and women to be friends, good friends.  I have a lot friends who are men.  But one has to to use care.  Men need boundries, clear boundries and if they're good friends, they will respect these boundries.

Sounds to me like he needs someone to talk to.  I would go.  Have coffee, talk about your woes.  Be a good friend.

At the same time I wouldn't make a habit out of it as you do work together and people will gossip.

Answer 5

are  you  really  afraid he  is  trying  something  on  or  do you  just  beleive  hes  sick  and  you  want  an excuse not  to  have  to  listen  to  the  depressing  stuff  his  wife  is  already sick  of.?

sorry  cant  help i think  you  should  o the  humanitarian thing  and  be  a shoulder  to  cry on.  then  if  he DOES try anything   innappropriate, you can  warn  him that  his  illness  will  be  the  last  of  his  worries.

Answer 6

If your husband is fine with it, go for it.  It IS possible for 2 people of the opposite gender to have a platonic relationship and go out to coffee to chat.

Answer 7

If your husband is okay with it then it's probably fine to go.  However, I'm not so sure what your manager's intentions are (the "wife being sick of hearing about his pain" comment is a bit sketchy), so be cautious.

Answer 8

As long as you aren't keeping secrets and your husband knows about it then I don't see a problem. My sister goes to coffee and lunch with her manager all the time. They are friends at work and their families know each other. It sounds like he needs a friend and wants someone to talk to.

Answer 9

it sounds a bit dodgy especially the bit about wife being tired of listening - hmm

Answer 10

If your husband is fine with it, there's no reason that you shouldn't feel comfortable in going. It doesn't have to only be a one-time thing, but it shouldn't become a regular occurence either. What it sounds like to me, is that he just needs a friend to listen to him now, and that's what you've been doing so far. As long as it doesn't get out of hand, it shouldn't be a problem.

Answer 11

As long as you be honest and upfront with everyone (which it seems you already are, by asking your husband) then there should be no problem.

It doesn't seem like you are trying to sneak around with your assistant manager. He is merely needing a friend to talk to about problems he is having. And you are the one he feels comfortable with.

HOWEVER, if you feel uncomfortable about just going for just coffee, you need to ask yourself why is that?

Answer 12

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I believe that would be the beginning of the end of your job and your marriage

Answer 13

Make sure that it stays at the coffee house. If he suggests going any where more private, then excuse yourself, and leave. But, if you are close friends, then a chat for say thirty minutes is o.k.

Answer 14

If you're questioning it this much, then it means Jimminy Cricket is watching out for you.  Thank him for the offer if he brings it up again, but tell him you think it would be inappropriate to fraternize outside of work.  If he's telling you things he can't or won't tell his wife, then it means he's seeking out an emotional affair at the very least.  He may not even realize that's what he's doing, but he's starting to form feelings for you.  Nip it in the bud and keep your relationship professional.  It sucks that he's going through hardships, but he should be seeking solace in his wife and not a female employee who works under him.

Answer 15

I'd say it's not okay to go.  The fact that you have to ask means you already know you shouldn't.

Answer 16

If he just sees you as his right hand at work.. as a colleague.. and he needs a confidante because of his health related problems then I would accept the invitation.. after all you will be going to a public coffee house so there is no privacy there and you will not be alone with him.. nothing wrong as long as this is just a friendly chat.. and he doesn't want to bother his wife with his health concerns..because maybe she is stressed or she is worried herself.. then by all means I see nothing bad in that... if he invited you out to go for a walk with him or if he took you to a place to be alone with you then definitely no.. but he seems to have a problem and he seems to think you are compassionate..  he doesn't want pity.. maybe his wife has enough of his health problems and she is not a good listener and that's all he needs then I would have the coffee with him and afterwards you both go your separate ways.. you say a friendly ''See you tomorrow.  but you don't hug or kiss'' you can smile and wave.. that's friendly..  and then he goes home to his wife. and you go home to your husband then if it happens like that I would not be concerned as a wife... and nor should your husband be..Just don't invite him over to your house, don't email him and don't let him contact you by mobile phone.. but to have one chat with him that is fine. . x*x

Answer 17

You obviously feel somewhat uncomfortable with this ...otherwise you would not be asking.Your husband feels fine about it...but do you?

lf you get on well,you could ask both him and his wife over to your place for a coffee.this way you may feel more comfortable on familiar ground.