I am new to adoption--are gifts common? If so--what are the limits?

Question

For a couple to adopt a stranger's baby...1 does the baby's mother decide which couple gets the baby? Or does the adoption agency?

2What if the mother does not use an adoption agency, or wants to sidestep the adoption agency?

3 Would bribes help my chances? Are they illegal but no one gets caught? Or are paying for the person's rent, living expenses for a few months, customary?

I am new, so to answer these 3 questions are a big help.

Answer 1

First, don't call them bribes, call them gifts.  They may or may not make a difference.  I wouldn't count on them mattering when it comes down to signing away paternal rights.  Yes, paying for the living expenses is customary.  The problem is that the mother, at any time, can change her mind and you are out the money.  This can happen while using an agency or without using an agency.  That's the scary part.  You don't need an agency, it will save you money, if you have a mother/baby already in mind.  You will need and attorney to draw up the documents and go to court with you for the finalization.  Remember the adoption cannot not be finalized until several days after the birth, varies by state, so the mother or father (where ever he is) can change their mind.  And if there is no father in the picture NOW, doesn't mean he can't come back and try to get custody later on if he wasn't consulted in the beginning.  It's better to get both parents to sign off, some states required it.  Good luck to you.

Answer 2

1 Usually, the birth mom chooses the adoptive parents, especially in infant adoptions.

2 This is very common.  There are adoption lawyers that do all of the arrangements, and no agency is involved

3 No.  By the time you even have the opportunity to give the birth mom/family a gift, they have already chosen you.  A bribe would be illegal, but as I have said, it would be very difficult as well.

Yes, paying for the living expenses for a reasonable period is customary.

Answer 3

1) It is dependent on the type of adoption.  Some bio-moms do not want to be involved in the process of choosing an adoptive family, but it is typically encouraged that they do so.  However, in cases of foster adopt, it would be the state choosing the adoptive family in most cases.

2) If the bio-parents do not want to use an adoption agency, they can do that by finding adoptive parents on their own and proceeding with a private adoption.  However, you still must use an attorney as adoption is a legal proceeding.

3) Bribes are illegal.  In most states, any money changing hands between an adoptive family and birth family is strictly regulated.  You may be allowed to provide money for living expenses or healthcare, etc., but the states are very clear about what can and cannot be paid for.  If there is any possibility that the bio-family is "selling" the baby or what the states considers to be "selling", the adoption will not be allowed to go through.  Be very careful as it could prevent you from being able to finalize the adoption.

Answer 4

My suggestion to you is to do your homework, prior to beginning your process. You have alot to learn, so it is great you are asking questions.

1) With an agency, in most cases, the birthmother chooses the adoptive family by viewing scrapbooks and a Dear Birthmother letter put together by the adoptive couple.  She also can request to meet the couple to secure her opinion of them. Many agency's will furnish a birthmother with up to 8 books to view based on the "matching" criteria. That criteria involves alot of different things. Race, gender, age, birthmother's backround, religion, birth defects, family illness history, likes/dislikes, and the list goes on.  An agency will have you fill out a questionaire when you begin your process as to what you ultimately will accept or not accept.  With an agency, they walk you through almost every step of the process. The counsel both you and the birthmother, they have their own legal team, the paperwork is handled legally at the agency, they keep you "on track".  In my opinion, it is a very good route to take to make sure all t's are crossed and i's dotted.

2) If a birthmother goes the private route, she will still need for the adoption to be legal. That means that more than likely, an adoptive couple has hired an adoption attorney who handles the process for them. There are no social workers here, and most of the paperwork, scheduling of your backround checks and all of the criteria for your homestudy is up to the adoptive couple. I think the "personal" touch is lost here in some ways, but it works for some, not others.

3) The word "bribe" just doesn't sit well with me. It sounds like a trick, or a con game, and that should never come in to play when it comes to such a precious gift.  You can pay for a birthmothers expenses, but remember, until she signs over her parental rights (revocation period), she can change her mind at any time, and by law,she is not required to repay those "bribes" or gifts. There are many con artists out there, again, my reason for going the agency route.

My advice.....do your homework. Go to seminars hosted by adoption agencys in your area on adoption, they have them monthly.  Do research on line in adoption support groups. Begin talking to people about adoption. You will find that many of your friends and acquaintences may have adoption stories that you were not even aware of. Read, Read Read!

Answer 5

It varies from situation to situation.  In an open adoption the mother decides who gets the baby.  Usually, in an agency, the mother gives them the baby, signs a release form, and the agency places the baby with whomever they deem to be fit.

The mother can go through a private attorney who handles adoptions.  

Buying and selling human beings is considered to be bad form.  If you get caught you could get in serious trouble.  

Often in private adoptions the adoptive parents pay for the living expenses, medical expenses, and attorney fees.  I don't know about whether the mother receives cash for her "services."  You'd have to ask the attorney.

I recommend that you talk to agencies and private adoption attorneys and find what works best for you.

Answer 6

My husband and I were chosen by the birth mother in the adoptions of both of our sons. It really depends on whether you go thru your county, a private agency, an attorney or a facilitator.

You can side-step an agency by either using a facilitator or attorney. I've heard good and bad on both and you usually don't save any money by going this route. For instance we used a non-profit Christian agency and the cost was under 15K for each child and one local facilitator in our area charges 25K. Do your homework.....recruit help from other adoptive parents or birth mothers if need be

"Gifts" may not help your chances any, it might just attract someone who wants to "get something" out of the adoption, which is illegal in many states anyhow. With our oldest son we helped with his birth mother's living expenses the first couple of months after she had him. It was all done thru the agency though, we never gave her a dime personally.

I hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions!!!

Answer 7

Generally the baby's mother gets to decide who the adoptive parents will be.  This wouldn't be the case if the child was removed from her custody for cause, though, in that case it would be the state who chooses the adoptive couple.

it's possible to adopt without using an agency, but you'd want to engage the services of a lawyer.  You'd probably want a lawyer for the birth mother & one for the adoptive family (that way everyone's best interests are protected).

Bribes would not help your chances & put you at great risk of getting into legal trouble.  The legal trouble could come in the form of civil and/or criminal charges.  Not something you want to get messed up in...not only because of the risk to you, the birth mother & the baby...but also because such practices put adoption in general in a very bad light!

Answer 8

Ok in private adoption usually the mom picks the parents based on  profile.  If you do adoption througha  public agency you don't pick your child  and the mother does not pick you it is sort of first come first serve and you are less likely to get a baby.

Two if a mother does not use an agency that is fine. I know someone who here coworker asked her to adopt.

three bribes are illegal and are considered baby selling If you go through a private agency you are often times expected to pay their Medical expensise but not living and you can't bribe because she picks you from a  profile. If you get caught there is hefty jail time for doing what you are suggesting and you will loose your child and any chance of getting a new one.

Answer 9

I adopted my daughter privately, no adoption agency was used and that way is much cheaper. But thats only if you are lucky enough to have someone who wants to give their child to you. It is against the law to pay the birth parents any money and you will have to sign papers stating that you did not.

Answer 10

1 ~ the birthmother generally has the final decision as to who will adopt her baby.  Whether through adoption agency or adoption through lawyers.

2 ~ If no agency is involved you will both need lawyers, good ones that are familiar with adoption.

3 ~ bribes are illegal, and with adoptoin I wouldn't risk anything because it could put your adoption in jepordy.  As for paying rent, living expenses, medical needs, every state is different...some don't allow it, some have a money cap for how much an adoption couple can spend, and some have no restrictions.

BE CAREFUL ANY MONEY SPENT BEFORE BABY IS OFFICIALLY YOURS ON BIRTHMOTHER, CAN BE LOST.  Birthmother legally has until between 48 hours and 6 months after birth to change her mind (depending on what state you live in!)

Good Luck!