I am non-Catholic engaged to a Catholic man. We want to have children. Is there any up-bringing compromise?

Question

I am a non-Catholic Christian, and have found the love of my life, who is Catholic. We are talking about marriage, and agree on almost everything and get along wonderfully. We both love each other very much, and God is a big part of both of our lives. We support each other, and have made it through many obstacles throughout both of our lives.

The one issue we have run into is the raising of our children. Both of us know we want a family with children, and that is a strong desire on both parts. He has received permission from the priest to marry a "non-Catholic Christian" but has been told that he cannot remain part of the Catholic church unless I agree to raise our children Catholic.

I am very strong in my faith, and disagree with some of the Catholic teachings, although I respect him, and Catholicism.

Is there any resolution? Any way this can work out?

Answer 1

Coming from a very Catholic area, I've had some experience with friends dealing with the same thing.  You could get married in a different church, but that would likely bring up a lot of issues, typically with the family (parents) of the Catholic person.  It seems those roots generally run pretty deep.

Answer 2

What is typically true is that in order to get married in the Catholic church you must agree to raise your children Catholic.  I have never heard of someone being kicked out of the Catholic church for marrying a non-Catholic in a different church, or insisting that future children attend church every week. The marriage won't be technically be recognized by them, but you should still be a member of the Catholic church. Perhaps you should seek a different Catholic church and ask a different priest about it.  

Answer 3

I'm non-catholic married to a catholic and there was never discussion of my wife having to leave the church. We have raised our children catholic and I've found that the catholic churches we go to are very tolerant of other view points. You may just need to find a new church and priest for your husband to worship with. If you are open to allowing your children to experience both faiths I think you will find it will work out quite well.

Answer 4

This is a tough one. I'm not Christian and decided long ago that I would not date or marry someone who is because I don't agree with many of the teachings. While I'm not against it, I wouldn't want to tell my children these things are true, when I don't feel many of them are.

How does your boyfriend feel about raising children in your denomination? I assume he's against it, or you wouldn't be asking this question. One idea is to not attend a church and to instead give your religious education at home. This is what my friend did, who is Christian and married a Jewish man. Once the children were at the age to question their own beliefs, they were allowed to choose what they believed and attend the church/synagogue that made the most sense to them.

I don't know if this would work in a Catholic religion, though... I'm sorry, this is a really tough situation you're in. One of you will have to give up your beliefs. Sit down with a counsellor or a priest/pastor if you can and discuss it together. Get someone else to help. Religion, politics and money are three of the biggest issues in marriages and they need to be worked out or the relationship won't work. Good luck.

Answer 5

Let the children go to both churches and why they grow up they make their own minds.

Answer 6

What you say is true.

Please take the RCIA course at Church.  It doesn't make you have to do anything - but help you to better understand the Catholic faith in a supportive environment.  That is probably one of the best things you can do for your husband and future children.  Please consider it.

Answer 7

I believe that you raise your children in the mother's faith.  Of course his priest is going to tell you that you have to raise your children as Catholic.  You need to settle this issue before you get married or else you are going to have problems down the road.  Just tell him how you feel.  

Answer 8

My mum is catholic my dad isn't they didn't force us to go to church or anything and have let us make our own mind up on religion. I dont believe the kids need to follow there parents beliefs

Answer 9

I would suggest both of you talk to your children about your beliefs and the reasons for them.  Let them make their own choice.  

Answer 10

Pray about it, try to get an answer from God.

I'm also a Christian (Pentecostal) and I disagree with some of the Catholic teachings.  I wouldn't recommend the children going to both churches because you don't want them to become confused later on it life...wow, you are in a pickle I must say...Well, when my mom and dad got married. My mother was a Catholic and my dad a Christian Minister.  My mother ended up leaving the Catholic church and becoming a Christian.  Not because my dad pressured her or anything, she just realized a few things about the catholic church and knew it was best that she left it.

...but, like I said, I think you should just pray about it.  God will answer your prayers and let you know what to do.  

Answer 11

Have you attended Mass with your fiance?  I think if you actually start attending Mass with your fiance, you will find very few differences between your church and his.

And if you do disagree with certain teachings or have questions about them, I suggest you talk with his parish priest.  Sometimes when things are explained clearly, you will find the differences are minuscule.  

I think once you actually investigate for yourself, you will find there are very few differences between Catholic Christians and non-Catholic Christians.

I think that you will find Catholics to be very ecumenical and welcoming.  They will not expect you to agree with every single tiny little detail.  But I think you will find the "big picture" is exactly the same.

I think if you two go into this with a spirit of ecumenism and a spirit of wanting to worship together, you will find those differences not so great after all.

Answer 12

If you two want to marry in the Catholic church, then you MUST agree to raise the children in the Catholic faith.

If your beliefs are so very strong, then why have you been dating someone who is not of your faith? I think you have made a mistake.

Answer 13

As a Catholic, your husband-to-be is obligated to teach his children what he knows to be true about God and to teach them to worship God. That is why he must raise all the kids Catholic and take them to Mass weekly. Also, he must have them baptized and make sure they get their religious education for reconciliation, first Holy Communion and confirmation.

You don't have to actively raise the kids Catholic; you just have to agree to let your husband do it. This does not preclude you from also teaching the kids what you believe.

However, it's likely that there are fewer disagreements between you than there are agreements. After all, we all worship Jesus here and trust Him for our salvation.

Perhaps it would help you to read more about Catholicism so that you can celebrate the unity between your faith and ours, rather than worrying about any differences? There is a great book called, "What Catholics Really Believe" that might help. There are also several websites, such as Scripture Catholic (http://www.scripturecatholic.com/)  and Catholic Bridge (http://www.davidmacd.com/catholic/index2...

Answer 14

My wife is a reasonably devout Catholic, I was raised a Lutheran but am no longer involved w religion (another story). As I believe all churches teach "good behavior", we agreed that kids would be raised as Catholic, and as they grow older and / if begin to question religion they (at an appropriate age) could make their own decision. I think in your scenario kids could be raised as Catholic and could change later if they wished.

Oldest son is 14, does not question "church", daughter is 10 and wants proof.

Answer 15

You are not supposed to have to agree to raise your children RC anymore. He has to, you have to agree to let him (this is different from when you had to agree to raise them RC if he was unable to do so). My fiance has similar objections to raising the children Catholic, but we looked at his objections, and found compromises easily.

You need to look at what your problems are. If they're something like what the one poster said (who was trying to encourage a lot of myths about Catholicism) then just go and talk to the priest, and find out about Catholicism.

The other question is to ask yourself what the differences would be. Is it that you want the children to go to your church service instead of going to mass with your husband? (Remember, he's expected to go to mass on all Holy Days of Obligation, and if he doesn't go then sending the children would be silly). Perhaps you could go to both. If you don't want them to receive the sacraments then there's nothing saying they have to. (My Anabaptist fiance though has agreed that we will baptize the children as children, and then they can make their first communion after they are old enough to be confirmed).

Remember, the best source for help on this is prayer. And if you need someone more present in the flesh then talk to either of your pastors.

Answer 16

I am sure there is a way this can work out.  And good for you for considering this issue BEFORE getting married and not after!

Which issues are you conflicting over?

I'm guessing that it would be with confessing to a man (priest) instead of directly to God/Jesus Himself...and possibly with the prayer to dead relatives/saints as opposed to just God/Jesus Himself. And maybe with the big focus on Mary as opposed to God/Jesus Himself.

I would try for a compromise where your kids were never expected to pray to anyone other than God/Jesus, that confession be made to be just talking with a religious advisor as opposed to letting the kids think that a man could stand in for God to forgive their sins...and that the kids grow up with Jesus as the center of all things as opposed to his wonderful (but, sorry, still human) Mama.  

Also, I would ask your future husband to work on coming up with some of his own concessions...honestly if he could agree to the above, why not just go to a Christian church instead?  

I don't know, but I am SURE you can come up with something.  Catholicism and Christianity both believe in the main things of the Trinity, that Jesus IS God, Bible, etc....it is a close-ish match...not like you're trying to mix Hindu with Catholicism or Muslim or something way different like that.

Answer 17

He should be able to remain Catholic however the Catholic church will not sanction your marriage unless you agree to have children and raise them Catholic. If you did that, then I guess he would be living in sin, because the church doesn't recognize a marriage that wasn't done in their church, so I guess they would consider him a bad catholic. All in all, he could still go to church and practice his religion however he wants, but might have to find a different priest, and not have as close a relationship with the church. I am catholic and so is my husband, but we still did a lot of thinking about our faith before deciding to get married in the church and vowing that we would raise our children that way. This is obviously something you should both research and consider seriously because if you don't resolve it now it could be a continuing problem in your relationship.

Answer 18

They have to attend Mass weekly? What, is someone going to take attendance? Give me a break! If one of you are willing to compromise then sure. If not, it is going to be a source of contention and strife all though your marriage. Its not fair to the kids either. I personally could not teach my children or allow someone else to teach my children something that I did not agree with. How open is he to allowing you to take the kids to your church once in a while and teach them your beliefs? I would try to find a happy medium. Attend both churches and expose the kids to both sides of the denominations and then when they are old enough they can choose.