I am not very keen to pickup my nephew from school along with my children?

Question

Our public school ends early (7:45-2:15pm). I pickup my kids (7 and 8 yrs) and we head home, have a small-2nd-lunch, and then homework or soccer/swim/guitar class or kids play with friends at their or our house. Very relaxed. I'm done with cooking and chores by 2 pm.

My brother and his family live about 2 miles away. Their kid (10 yrs) goes to the same school. His wife started working this summer. Looks like everyone was assuming that I would just pickup their kid and get him home. And, that is no reason for me to not do so.

I quit work to be with my kids. We are not suffering financially, but did make some cuts here and there. We know enough about their financial situation to know that they can afford easily for her to be home.

I don't want to pickup my nephew every day. I do want the kids to know their cousins, but that should not mean I look after my nephew everyday from 2:30-6:30 pm. I like some time just my kids and me.

Now, everyone is painting me as the bad one/kill joy/ spoilsport and difficult one. I never offered or agreed to pickup and look after him. There are other afterschool options available. They can easily afford any afterschool care or even for one parent to stay-at-home.

I would have helped if they were struggling financially or some other real need for help. Both parents working is just a lifestyle choice, not a necessity here.

I did say that in case of emergencies I would always be available to help. And the kids could get together once a week when school ends early (1 pm). we do meet 2 or 3 times a month.

They paying me for it is absolutely not an option. I wouldn't want it ever. I just don't want to care for anyone else's kids.

Is it selfish to want to be only with my kids on weekdays afternoons? And drive only my kids around to their activities? Can't I make this decision without coming across as a difficult person? Does it make me a bad parent or bad aunt?

Answer 1

I don't think it makes you a bad parent or a bad aunt to not want to watch your nephew on a regular basis.  After all, you did not open a daycare.  You might make that offer to keep him one day each week (you choose the day) and you might also gather some information on some alternative care for him.  That way no one can say you don't know what you are talking about when you say the other care is available.

Try to come across as being helpful in finding a situation for him and no one should be able to fault you.  How does your husband feel about all of this?  If he is supportive I think you should not worry so much about what the rest of the family thinks.

Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 2

No, I don't think you're wrong. So what if you want time with your kids? That's your choice- if they have a problem with it, too bad. I kept my nephew while my sister went to work for several months. I hated, hated, hated it because I felt like it was taking time away from my child. He is a very demanding, spoiled child and I was starting to feel resentful towards him. I stopped keeping him so I could maintain a good, loving relationship with him.

If you do keep your nephew in the afternoons, I think you will feel taken advantage of and resentful. You have to do what's best for you and your family.  

Answer 3

I think you have a valid point. Of course it wouldn't be a problem every now and then, but everyday. I have two girls and their friends come over all the time. Of course I don't mind them having friends over, but everyday I have serval kids at my house. The other night one of there friends stayed until 9:30pm because her mom was not home. Ok if it was every now and then, I wouldn't mind, but this happens a lot and NO ONE ASKS.

Sure pick him up from school and drop him off at HIS house.

Answer 4

No, you're not a bad person.  Just explain that after school you want to spend time with your kids and that is why you are a stay-at-home mom.  Maybe also throw in that your kids have lots of activities that you are constantly running them to and from?

Answer 5

I do understand where you're coming from.  People tend to assume that stay - at - home parents are everyone else's personal child taxis and babysitters.  I also have nieces who live just a few blocks from us.

It's fine for you to want some alone time with your kids, but surely you can help your in - laws a little.  Tell them that you have prior engagements on the other days, but you can pick up your nephew 2 or 3 days a week.  You do only live 2 miles away, after all, and your nephew goes to the same school as your kids.  And family members are supposed to help each other.  Think of it as setting a good example for the kids by helping others.  

Answer 6

Bad Aunt, for sure.

Answer 7

I don't even know you, and I'm irritated for you.

You're free and clear, you told them in advance you'd be the emergency backup, and support all your kids playing together & bonding. Not your fault they made a grievous error in their ASSumption.

You're not selfish, not a bad person or bad aunt.

They, on the other hand, are users and attempting to take you for granted. Good that your mind and focus are clear, and you won't let that happen. It's a hard lesson for them, but, they asked for it by not consulting you then making their plans as if they were in full control of both of your schedules.

Be patient, mild and peaceful while they express their disappointment (or hurl accusations or slander). They may not appreciate that they owe YOU the apology. Smile on the inside knowing you've just aided 2 grown adults on their way to maturity. So they don't see it...it'll take 'em that much longer to get there, to grow up, wake up & get real.

Thinking of their desires only, they're missing out on your wonderful plan to make the most out of your situation. God bless you, dear, you're a wonderful mother. Your family is blessed by your goals, hard work and sacrifice (you could be doing a lot of goofing off, if you played your cards a different way).



Your brother really chaps my hide.

Answer 8

i agree maybe you could pick him up maybe 2 times a week and say that is all u can do b/c u r busy with your children and there activities and then maybe suggest an after school program or something.but if they did offer to pay you there not using u.they shows they can pay anyone but might thought u would like to do this.i know u said u werent gonna take the money but if it bothers you this much then sit down with your brother and tell him how u feel.

Answer 9

In my opinion their taking advantage of you, and throwing it in your face that you don't want to. also sounds like they just don't want to spend the money on day-care. simply tell them flat out hey i never agreed to watch your son and it offends me that you assumed that i would. now i wish to be in the child's life as much as i can but i cherish the alone time i have with my kids.

it does not make you a bad anything for wanting alone time to you and your own two kids. if they get mad at you for feeling that way then, what comes around goes around. stand up for your feelings.  

Answer 10

Your nephew goes to the same school as your kids? Why not pick him up 2 days a week and other times he can do afterschool care or activity?

How do you really know about their financial status anyway?  Just because you think you know, you may not know the whole story.  And just because she went back to work to keep up with their lifestyle is no business of yours anyways.  Maybe she went back to work for other reasons; maybe boredom, maybe extra money for her son's college fund; for their retirement fund.  

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable.  Help them out 2 days a week.  You have the other 3 days to do what you want.

Answer 11

No, it is your perogitive to not want to do this. You had your kids, you are taking care of them. Did they even ask you if you would mind doing this? If they didn't, and just assumed that you would, I would definitely do something. If you have to tell a little white lie, go ahead. I would just tell him that you have so much to do after school you can't do that everyday. Maybe compromise, you can pick him up on such and such day. Tell your brother, "Hey,I can pick ------  up on Tuesday and Thursday this week" ...Surely he will get the hint.

Good Luck

-Cindy

Answer 12

Nope, i don't think so. Seems like you've been more than generous. Family likes to take advantage of that (at least in mine).

You are responsible for your kids, and your brother and sister-in-law are responsible for theirs. If they want to work too much when they don't have to, then they can deal with the consequences of that. ESPECIALLY if they aren't going to pay you for babysitting 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Of course, if you are an unfortunate member of one of those families where a few takes care of everyone's kids, then you may want to consider a compromise. Offer to take the kid 1 or 2 times a week, but the other days they will just have to use their riches on a babysitter. So sad, I know. If they didn't want the responsibility of raising and taking care of their own kids, maybe they shouldn't have had them.  

Answer 13

i dont think youre being selfish its your life and you dont have to take on another child..you didnt give birth to him. sorry if rude..and they shouldnt just assume youd be fine with it. dont pay attention to the people telling you that you should watch him its easy for people to tell other people how to live their lives.  

Answer 14

Instead of trying to create a standoff and family rift, why not try to work out a compromise?  You don't know for absolute sure that your brother can "easily afford" any afterschool care or for one parent to be a "stay at home parent."  Financial difficulties are very easily hidden, even in the closest of families, and they may have some stresses you aren't aware of.

Instead of every day, offer to do it two or three days a week, but point out that you'd like some time to be with your kids.  That would be a reasonable and compassionate way of dealing with the problem.

Answer 15

I am a stay at home mom too, so I know what you are going through. It seem everyone just thinks we are always available.  I would tell your brother to sign him up for aftercare (that is what it is called in our town) and that you will pick him up from aftercare when you are just going home, but that you do not want to be responsible for him every day.  My sister works and this was my agreement with her.    Explain to them that if you wanted to be tied down to anything, you would have a job.  Accepting money only makes it worse, then they feel like they don't even have to pick up at a certain time because they are paying you.  It might cause  little bit of a strain, but put your foot down or they will always assume you are available.

Answer 16

You are certainly not obligated to be the answer to their problem.  Just stick with your guns.  This kind of situation can become very unfair, very quickly.  Make sure you stay in touch with your nephew, though, and schedule time when he can be with his cousins.  Having extended family can be wonderful, but they shouldn't take advantage of you.

Answer 17

It's not selfish, it's your choice. I had to put the kibosh on my sister asking me to "do this" and "do that" because I made the choice to stay at home. Does it make us seem difficult to them? Probably. Is it okay as an adult to want to live your life the way your want? Absofrigginlutely!  While I don't mind helping out if she's in a pinch, I do not see it as my duty to take care of her kids on a daily basis. I have kids of my own and made a choice to spend time with them. You're not a bad parent or Aunt. You just know what you want. I say stick to your guns and let "everyone" get over it.  

Answer 18

I'm not sure I agree that their expectations you would take this on, is no reason to refuse.  It was rude of them to assume, and I think that is cause for a "No."

You are perfectly within your rights as a human to refuse this.  What they are demanding of you is that you work as a caretaker for their child because it's not convenient for them to make other arrangements.  Looking after their tyke every once in awhile is something they could reasonably expect you to do, but making this a daily part of your schedule is being a caretaker, and that's not your career path!

I can hardly understand why they would make you out to be the bad person when they have thrust this on you as your obligation, especially when one of the parents doesn't have to work.  Looking after someone else's kid, with their rules, and their kid's issues isn't a favor, it's WORK, and they should apologize for making this your problem because you are family.  Instead of blaming you, they should be thanking you.

Your decision hardly makes you a bad person, or a bad aunt.  You are respecting your own boundaries, which is just as important as respecting another's, and they need to respect you!  *SNAP!*

I hope everything works out, and you certainly have permission to share my opinion, should it be beneficial in any way.

Answer 19

If you don't tell them NO now, you will 1- regret it and 2- they will keep taking advantage of you- it won't stop here. Stand your ground on this one, tell them your sorry but you don't want the responsibility of caring for their son everyday and that they need to find someone else.

I am curious.....let us know how it turns out.

Answer 20

Bring it up casually. "what's (nephew) going to be doing after school?" Act equal parts outraged/surprised when they tell you the answer. Personally, I wouldn't do it. Just because I've chosen to stay home does not mean I'm available to babysit everyone else's kid. It's not wrong, stick to your guns.

Answer 21

No. I hear ya.  If you don't want to pick up your nephew from school every day, you are not obligated to do so.  

I think your family has a nerve 'assuming' that you'd just re-arrange your own life schedule to accommodate them.

That's extremely rude.  And selfish.

What, just because you quit your job and decided to stay home to care for and spend time with your own two children, that you don't have your own life and schedule?

Man, I would tell your brother to take care of his own child.  So what the sister-in-law got a job.  Good for her.  It doesn't stop her from being a parent/mother to her own child.  And if she were a responsible mother, she would already have SOLID plans to ensure her son can get from point A to point B.  

And she shouldn't assume that you'd be there to pick up the pieces for her and your brother.

The h**l with that.  I would tell them to get bent.  You've got your own life.  Don't turn it upside down for someone else.  Family or not.

Answer 22

I love my nieces and nephews with all my heart and would do anything for them. So i don't understand why u don't want to be with yours