I am really starting to resent my messy, unorganized husband?

Question

I am 21, he is 22, next Friday is our first wedding anniversary, our daughter will be 2 in December. He has always been sloppy but it has gotten worse over the past three years we have lived together; we lived with his mom for 7-8 months and she stayed on his *** about doing stuff; when he wouldn't to avoid conflict (his mom would have the whole house in an uproar when she was angry) I would do it for him. So I guess I am partly to blame for this. Here's the thing: he is in the Army and apparently feels like that's all he has to do. Nevermind that he hasn't made sure one bill is paid in two years--I handle all of that, and lately it has become very overwhelming, I am forgetting things and miscalculating and we are overdrawn; I ask for help and he ignores me. Not only that--I am the primary caretaker of my daughter, I come home from work (yes! WORK! I work 40 hours a week too, so I am not some spoiled stay at home army wife/mom) to a crying hungry baby with a full diaper, usually diaper rash, and a trashed house from both of them. He refuses to do ANYTHING to help me around the house--I have to nag him to take ONE trash bag out. And even then, he doesn't tie it, so the trash spills into the bottom of the trash receptacle, and guess who gets to clean that out? (on base, they do not dump your trash, they pick up the bags by hand.) There is a mattress and assorted other items in our backyard he wanted to throw out; they've been there for 2 months now. I feel like a 60 year old worn out old lady. I am so overwhelmed all the time, worrying about bills and just trying to get my house decently clean (somehow we manage to make 2 loads of dishes a day!!), he says I am obsessive but what is obsessive about just wanting a simple clean house? Just pick up your clothes and dishes is all I ask and he can't even do that! I am miserable and I don't even want him to touch me, I can barely stand to look at him. He tells me I am psycho and obsessive about cleaning because I don't like to go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.. that is his argument whenever I tell him I cannot handle cleaning the entire trashed house by myself, doing all the financial stuff, working full time and being the primary caretaker of our daughter. Please help!

Answer 1

Awwww..I really do feel for you.  Being clean is a necesity for me.  My mom taught me well : )  And your husbands excuse of why clean when the baby will make a mess again is complete BS!  Tell him okay so why should we change diapers? Baby's gonna just sh*t and p**s in it again, or why should he flush the toilet, we'll just c**p in it again.  Wow! You've got an issue on your hands.  You need to have a serious talk with him.  I went through similar with my ex husband. Notice I said EX husband?  This was one of our issues. I was doing the child care part, working full time, making sure bills are paid, laundry is done, and beine responsible. He had a job as well but it was almost like being a father and husband wasn't something he was cut out to be.  I ended up leaving him and I'm happier than ever. I'm not saying this is what you  need to do.  You should talk to him about this first and work on a plan and a schedule of chores to be shared.  If this doesn't work, I say move to plan B which is possibly considering a trial separation.  Ultimately if this keeps going on you could end up hating the guy and arguing in front of the baby wouldn't be good.

I wish you much luck.

Answer 2

Leave the slob. He obviously has always been this way and you say he has gotten worse. I am just like you about the clean house. My husband was a big slob but he has gotten better with a lot of nagging from me. I simply tell him to close his eyes and think about his whole day and all that I do for him and then I tell him to think of how his life would be when I leave him for being a pig. That means he would have to wash his own dirty underwear, do dishes, cook, etc. He has made a big improvement. If he didn't I would leave.

Answer 3

If, you live on base, they will get him.  You are not his maid, GGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Answer 4

Well, sounds like the only help for you is to give you the number to a good divorce attorney.

I rag on women a lot on answers, i find most of them to be worthless hags that don't deserve what they have.  

So you can take this as a great compliment, you are a good woman, you deserve better.  If i weren't married your exactly the type of woman i would be looking for.

There is no saving your husband, he will never change, until its far too late. Save yourself the anguish, heartache and resentment that staying with him will cause.  Divorce him and find a good man, one who will appreciate you for what you are.

*edit*

Well i see you want to stick it out, i can only say that he is 22 yrs old.  Most guys don't become adults and start acting like it till they are 25, however that process may be slowed down quite a bit since your taking care of the house.   You could just hang out and wait, but i would hate to see you that miseralbe.

Answer 5

Divorce isn't your only option, but in my experience becoming a bitter old housewife may be the only other.

If you're wanting to try something else, maybe marriage counseling.  If he won't go, that's another indicator that things really aren't likely to change.  I've been married twice, and have dated, and have raised sons...the answer to the "magic way of talking to men to get your point across" question, unfortunately, is a resounding, "No!" (but if you find one, please let me know.)  

If you live on base, they usually have a pretty good support system set up for spouses.  You may want to check into what services may be offered there for some help.

The sad truth is that while he may improve with age, it's not likely to happen soon.  And you being miserable with the situation isn't any good for any of you, especially your daughter.  You can't change him...he'd have to do that himself.  You can only determine what you are and aren't willing to live with and take whatever action you need to to make your life the way you want it to be.

Good luck and I'll pray for you.

(rap...that was the nice of you!)  :)

Answer 6

ok have ever  considered hiring a cleaner to come by 2 times a week? this way you can afford her. the house will be fairly clean and decent and you won´t have to fight over this. if this is your only problem that has escalated to this degree please consider hiring someone. it´s not worth to loose him and your daughter her father over dirty dishes. if the real problems are different then you should find other ways to address them, like going to counseling, or start communicating more, going out together doing fun things etc. but first get a cleaner A.S.A.P. wish you all the best