I am really struggling here: parent the child or adoption?

Question

I am 23 years old, had s*x out of wedlock w/ my boyfriend of 4 months. I was on the pill but was taking antibiotics that I had no idea hinder the pill and got pregnant. My boyfriend didn't love me and left. One minute I feel like I would die for this child and do everything to take care of it. I have a 25K a year job, two and a half years college experience and a very supportive family. I feel that I could emotionally and financially be there for this child even if its on my own.

Then, the next minute the idea of me being a single parent comes crashing down on me. I fear loneliness, and I worry if I'm strong enough for this situation. After all I was not prepared for this. But I also don't know if I could handle the emotional toll of an adoption. I am literally on a rollercoaster here. I am still in touch w/ my ex's parents who are devout Christians and believe that it's in the childs best interest to be in a two parent home w/ parents who are ready.

Answer 1

I am also a devout Christian, and while I believe it's always best to have the child in a two-parent home, you will be doing nothing wrong by choosing to keep your child.  Obviously, you can't take it back (and I'm so happy abortion doesn't seem to be an option for you), so the only thing to do now is what you think best.  If you do consider adoption, remember that in some cases, the parents are completely open to the idea of the birth parent being involved in the child's life.  If not, good luck to you--there are many resources available to help you through these difficult decisions--don't forget to pray.  And personally, I while I understand their sentiment, I wouldn't rely too heavily on the advice of your ex's parents--after all, it was their son who got what he wanted and then left you in this position by yourself!  I will pray for you and your child.       :-)

Answer 2

You really are strong enough to do this. Embrace the feelings of love and a willingness to do anything to take care of your child.

I am shocked this hasn't been mentioned yet, but don't neglect to make the boyfriend pay child support. I'd have to guess that is a little bit of a reason his devout parents are pushing for adoption, they don't want the "shame" of an out-of wedlock birth.    pppffftttttt. Make sure he takes on his share of the responsibility.

Keep your baby.

Answer 3

I am a 26 year old single mother of 4 and i cant imagine my life without them. I know that at first it seems like you wont be able to do it but when you have them with you it is a wonderful feeling. I cant imagine giving up my kids for adoption nobody can rasie them like their own mother. Dont worry about what everybody else says just do what you think is right for you.

Answer 4

First of all, what you are feeling is very normal. Many if not all pregnant women feel a rollercoaster of emotions. It is not a sign at all. Fear is a big part of pregnancy. Most people just don't talk about it. DO NOT let your ex's parents prey on that fear. And no matter what do not call an agency that is paid to feed on that fear.

You said everything that matters in your first paragraph. You love this baby. You can provide what this baby needs. Your family is supportive and even if they weren't you could do this. The only thing is this world your baby wants is you. Don't deny him/her that because of someone else's judgements.

What is in your child's best intrests is to be with you. Tell your ex's parents that if they can not support you then you will have to cut off contact with them until they are. Putting this stress on you while you are pregnant is not good for the baby. If they truly care about the best intrests they will understand that and back off.

No one is going to be more ready for this baby than you are. Your body is making you ready as we speak. Just have faith in yourself.

I have never felt lonelyness as a single parent. However, the lonelyness of lossing my child to adoption nearly killed me. The emotional toll is not one I would wish on my worst enemy. There are not even words to describe that pain. And then to find out that my child was hurt and in pain because I had so little faith in myself as a mother was devestating.

Listen to your heart and not your ex's parents.

If you need anything feel free to contact me.

Answer 5

I was in a similar situation as yours.  My family was very supportive of me and my baby.  I ended up keeping my baby even though the father wanted me to get an abortion.  I couldn't do it, i was 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had him, i just couldn't see myself giving up my baby. In all honestly I would ignore his family, you have a steady job, and a great family. I wouldn't worry about what other people think at this point, just worry about how you would feel if you put the baby up for adoption.  Sounds like your ex's parents just want the easy way out for their son.  Guess if they were so worried about it, they would have taught him to use protection.  Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 6

please dont have an abortion. you can do it, you will handle it. when you see that baby's face, you will find a way, make a plan. have an abortion and you will regret it for the rest of your life - gauranteed. that child needs you, even you on your own, you can do it, tell yourself that and believe in yourself

Answer 7

I think you need to do what is in your heart. You still have time to decide. My daughter because pregant and worryed what her dad was going to say and I told her be honest with him and herself she was 20 years old and no matter what she decided we would be there for her. She married the father and had her son. People say it's best for a 2 parents oh well they broke up and got a divorce. My grandon is a happy boy he is loved by both mom and dad and both sets of grandparents and ton's of family on both sides. The parents might have not been able to get along together and are better parents apart. I'm not saying thing are rosey for my daughter sometimes but if you asked her does she wish she would have gave her son up no way would be her answer he is the love of her life and when she's down he picks her up. I have read about young mothers giving their children up and can't get over it and then there are some that was just able to walk away. PS. the ex's family will come around.

Answer 8

I'm a mother who lost her son to adoption 23 years ago. Adoption is not something I can recommend. It is a lifetime of grief and it doesn't ever go away. The separation of mother and infant is very damaging to both the mother and the baby.

The challenges of single parenting my scare you, but each time you face and overcome a challenge you will have grown a bit more and you will be a stronger and better mother to your child. With your family willing and able to help you, you won't be totally alone, either. Also talking with other single mothers would be great emotional support for you. These are some links for single mom's. I think there is quite a large community of single mom's that you could connect with online for further support.

http://www.singlerose.com/index.html?Ros...

(they have a message board where a lot of topics are discussed, such as how to handle going to school while being a single mom.)

http://singlemomsconnect.com/

http://www.singlemothers.org/

I'm not sure why you are too concerned with your ex's parents beliefs - you and your ex were only together for 4 months? Personally, I think that your child would be much better off with his mother than with 2 strangers just because they are married. Do remember that YOU are the person that your baby is bonding with, the only person he or she knows.

Please keep your son or daughter with you. Your child needs YOUR love and nurture and it is your right and privelege to be there for him or her.

I wish you the best.

Answer 9

Just have faith in yourself.  You can raise a child.  And it will be a great experience, though trying at times.

I was just a little younger than you when I had my son.  It was rough for awhile, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Please don't let your ex's parents influence your decision.  IT IS YOUR DECISION, not theirs.

Answer 10

You are absolutely correct, the statistics about solo parents mean nothing - it does depend on the individual.  There are millions of happy families led by single parents.  Are your ex's parents fearful of the burden on you or are they just prejudiced against single parents?  If it is just prejudice, shame on them - Jesus did not teach his followers to condemn each other.  He taught us to forgive and to support each other.  And parents who are "ready"?  Ready for what?  I read somewhere that 60% of all pregnancies are unplanned.  That adds up to a lot of people who aren't "ready".  pffft I say to their "ready" comment.

Guess what?  Adoptive parents divorce at the same rate as the general population.  I read a blog written by a mother who had given her child to an adoptive couple because she wanted him to have 2 parents only to find out that they divorced when her son was very young.  She related this to her support group and found that 1/3 of the group members ("birth" mothers) had experienced the same thing.

Good for your parents for supporting you to raise your child.  Sending all of my best wishes to you!

Answer 11

OMG sweetie I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now.

But you know, you don't have to make any decisions right away.

Why not have your baby, and just give parenting a try?  Adoption can always be an option, but why not give parenting an honest effort first?  That way, at least you will know in your heart that you did the right thing, if you do find that you just can't handle it.

But if you have support from your family, and realize that you don't have to purchase the most expensive things, you can make it work financially.

As long as you are prepared emotionally.  It is always scary, I remember being pregnant with my first baby, I was frightened beyond belief, but you know, there isn't really much to be afraid of.  Once you give birth, the wonderful insticts of motherhood kick in and you learn, and it is tiring the first couple of months but the older the baby gets the easier it gets...you fall into a rhythm, you learn your baby's cues, and things get back to "normal."

This is a tough decision that only you can make, but as an adoptee who's mother was in your situation 34 years ago, I wish she would have felt she could have handled it.  I certainly would never choose to have been adopted, it has been very painful for me to lose my mother that way, and she suffered great pain and grief from giving me up.

Answer 12

You are in a really tough spot right now. I cannot imagine how you are struggling, but assure you that you are not alone, nor "different" in any way for how you feel.

I can only recommend one thing. Contact a reputable adoption agency. HOLD ON!!! I am not saying to put your baby up for adoption. What I am saying is this.  With a reputable agency, their birth parent counselors will help you sort out your thoughts so that IF you decide to make an adoption plan you are prepared, or atleast, the best prepared, emotionally, to make that decison when the time comes.

IF you do not choose to have an adoption plan, seek out other single mothers on the internet. I am SURE there are chat rooms and even blogs of women who were once in your shoes. Or even local support groups in your community.

At your age, and with your salary, it will be extremely difficult to support yourself and your baby independently, that is NOT to say that you cannot do it however.

I am not sure if this is an option for you, however, with most adoptions now, they are encouraging OPEN adoptions, where the birth mother still has a relationship with the adoptive family and the baby. The rate of openess varies per situation.

You need to go and talk to someone who has been in your shoes. Don't pay attention to what the father's parents say. Trust your intuition, and your maternal instinct. Once you make your decision, stick with it, do the absolute best you can to make that plan work for all parties involved. Good Luck to you, and I wish you peace.

Answer 13

I doubted my ability to parent my baby and lost her to adoption 35 years ago.  I was a teenager and had no family support for parenting.  It is the most painful experience I've known.  I hated giving my baby to others, strangers.  I hated myself for doing it.  It's not something you get over.  It has affected all my relationships because it's affected my relationship with myself.

Being pregnant is a hormone roller coaster.  Your body is preparing you to mother your baby.  Babies bring their own energy with them.  That creates support.  You've already got your family's support.

Once the baby is here, your ex's parents will most likely change their tune.  I'm puzzled how  'devout Christians' reconcile their son's irresponsibility.  It sounds like they may wish they could hide it.  But babies, once they're here,  tend to bring out the best in people.

Remember, you are your baby's mother.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Answer 14

I had a friend who was 18 when she got pregnant and gave up her son for adoption.  She did go through emotional torment in the weeks after her son was born and given up.  However, it is an open adoption, and she gets pictures and occasional phone calls.  Time has healed the initial hormonal trauma, and she feels that she did what was best for herself and her son.  He has great parents now, and she was able to get her life in order the way she wants it to be.  She talks about maybe getting married and having another baby in the future, or even adopting herself.  

Myself - I got pregnant when I was 21 to a guy I'd only been dating for a couple of months but was engaged to marry.  He had a daughter from a previous marriage and got pregnant quickly so the kids wouldn't be to far apart.  The daughter was ill, and so he really wanted to settle down so he could bring her out of California (where she was living with his parents - he was a traveling welder at the time) and get new doctors who might be able to diagnos her.  So, I became a "step" mom only four months into my pregnancy - before my 22nd birthday.  The next year was very traumatic.  My (now ex) could not find a job at first.  His daughter was diagnosed with cancer, and we received the prognosis that she would likely always be handicapped from it.  

Finally, a few days before my son was born, he found a tech help job working nights.  The first few days when my son came home from the hospital I was absolutely worn out.  Trying to handle a handicapped toddler and a new born was both crazy and scary.  What would happen if both kids were in danger at once?  What if there was a fire and neither could walk?  I even looked up open adoptions at that point in time thinking that perhaps it would be best for everyone if I gave my son up.  I think that was mostly the post partum talking though.  Because of the difficulties of caring for a handicapped Toddler and a Newborn alone, we ended up moving in with my parents for a few months.  

When my son was only 7 weeks old he almost died from severe bronchialitis.  What followed was months of intensive testing to find out why he couldn't shake the cough.  Somewhere in all this time, my (now ex) finally snapped.  One day he just didn't come home anymore.  

I tell you all this, so you will see that I understand something of what it's like to be bringing a child into the world amidst stress.  Just weeks before my 23rd birthday I found myself in a single mom in a newly rented house, with an infant.  (I'd had to send my step-daughter back to her grandparents for legal reasons...  very hard to do)

Yet, I've made it.  I'm 26 now, and he's a happy, mostly healthy, almost 4-year-old.  I'm working full time, though I don't make much.  I'm also going back to grad school to get an MBA so hopefully I can find a better job.  The state has a child support order against my ex, so I usually get money from that.  It's been touch and go a few times when he moved around alot, but any time he stays long enough in one job for his social security number to show up in records (even out of state ones) the money flows in again.  It's not alot, but it's enough to cover daycare and some day to day essentials.  

If you love your baby and you think you're ready to be a mom, then do it.  Yes, it'd be great if every child could live in a two parent home.  I wish my son still had his father.  Sometimes, fate doesn't have that in the cards though.  Even if your child was adopted, there's no guaranty both parents will stick it out.  

Adoption is a wonderful solution if you don't think you're ready to be a mom.  However, it's not a good way to just get a second parent into your child's life.  I belonged to a single parent group at church, and we saw alot of statistics there.  However, the main reason that children of single parents get messed up is when that parent isn't up to the task.  If you put the effort in to be a good mother, your baby will be just fine.

Answer 15

I'm a 26 year old male who was put up for adoption waaaay back in 1981.  My birth mother was 16 and pressured by her family, his family, and everyone else to keep her child.  She chose the most responsible path and put me up for adoption since it truly was in the best interest of me.  My adoptive parents are wonderful people who are my mother and father thanks to her correct decision 26 years ago.  If you're not ready personally and financially then let someone else step in and make their lifetime.  If you are, step up to bat and do your very best.  Good luck either way.

Answer 16

Don't put your baby up for adoption unless you really want to. But as an adoptee, I can tell you from this perspective, its tough. I just turned 18 a few months ago and Im actually flying to Idaho (where I was born) to meet my birthmother and the rest of my family for the first time in my life on the 19th.

It is tough growing up as an adoptee. Mostly what I remember is a lot of identity issues. My parents refused to give me any information so I grew up with no identity. No genetic history, no understanding of my backgrounds, no nationality, no understanding for the little inherited talents I have. I constantly asked my adoptive parents who my real parents were, and they answered "We're your real parents." Every single time. I remember jealously seeing my friends relationships with their natural parents and wishing desperately that I had that too. I knew somewhere that no one could understand me like my mother. And I was right, by the way. She constantly tells me that I am her 18 years ago. I'm just like her.

So as an adoptee, I'm begging you pleeeeeeeeease don't do it! It's very very hard on the mother and the baby. I know its scary but you can do it. And don't let your ex's family dictate what you do. They can s***w themselves as far as you're concerned. You need to make the best decision for you and your baby, not what looks best on their precious reputations.

Answer 17

Maybe two parents are better, but the future is always uncertain.  My adoptive parents got divorced within eight years of adopting me.  I went from one single-parent home to another.  

The fact that you have some resources and a supportive family suggests that you could do this.  (I won't tell you that you should do it.  You have to make your own decision here.)  I'm sure it must be overwhelming.  But the pain and regret that can come for both you and your child because of adoption may outweigh the difficulties of parenting.  

I love my adoptive parents, but that doesn't erase the grief both I and my birth mother have felt from our separation.  This is a decision that will affect both of you for your entire lives.  

It's too bad your ex's family is not supportive.  But if your own family is supportive, that is a resource you should not ignore.  

There are no guarantees in life.  You might find a better situation for your child.  But it could easily turn out that it would be better with you raising your own child.  Indeed, the emotional pain that many - though not all - adoptees report suggests the latter.  

Whether you parent or relinquish, the rollercoaster is not likely to end.  You are likely to have lots of highs and lots of lows.  

The best advice I've seen on here about this decision is don't make it yet.  Give yourself time to see how you feel.  And remember, whatever anyone else says, this is YOUR decision.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Answer 18

You might be interested in this YouTube

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ENMZZdaHI64

This was made by real women, not adoption marketers, this was not paid for by an angency who stands to profit off the sale of your baby.

Besides being an adoptee myself, I was a young mom, late teens who parented, some of the other young moms I met went on to be a lawyer, a doctor, and I have a pretty good profession myself.

Having a child is a wonderful thing, becoming a mother changes you, increases your motivation and invests you in the world.

Adoption leaves a lifelong legacy of pain.  It affected MY child profoundly.  It takes generations to get over.

Answer 19

I am 39 and struggling through life. But where I don't struggle through is the decissions I have made about giving a beautiful baby girl to a wonderful mother that I picked out. She couldn't have kids of her own and I choose to share that with her. I made it a personal gift from God to a woman that would never get that pleasure.

Now I have a beautiful woman that is now in the Air Force, married and expecting my first Grandchild. I met her for the first time at her graduation from boot camp. I was living in San Antonio at the time and when she said that she was inlisted and wanted me to be there I started bawling with joy.

I never forgot her when all was done. I got pictures for a while but moved to much to continue. Her parents always let it known that she was adopted and made the whole thing special.

You are the only one to make this decision.

Me, I have been through the abortion first, quickly followed by the adoption, followed by two more in a marraige gone bust losing custody for 3 years. Followed by an unplaned pregnancy that would have been adopted as well, but I changed my mind (after meeting adoptive parents,(rough)). Got married again to a wonderful man, got my girls back and then met my oldest last year.

I'm now divorced with three kids, on my own, expecting my first grandbaby (out of state) and enjoying all of what I have done in my choices with my kids.

Life is never easy, full of trials and tribulations. BUT, there is more good in life then can ever be compared to the bad.

Let your God help you decide what will be best. You will know in your soul what that answer is when you let it relax. If you know that it will go to term, then relax and enjoy the life that you will be bringing into this world for you or someone who will never know what it is like.

Tell others to leave you alone and not to bring you this undu stress, its not good for you or the baby.

Relax and your soul will tell you what to do.

Good Luck and Happy Pregnancy!

Answer 20

it's hard.  trust me i know.

and although many people are giving you advice, only those who actually made an adoption plan really know the turmoil.

there is so much advertising out there about "how wonderful adoption is" yet very little about the effects on adoptees and bmoms/bdads who relinquish.  although i think adoption has its place, i often think that many people capitalize off of the grief and fear of young girls.  that's c**p!

i can not tell you what decision to make.  all i can say is that i was younger than you when i got pregnant with my son.  i made a plan, was matched, and shortly before birth, changed my mind. primarily because i couldn't view my temporary poverty as a good enough reason to give up my flesh and blood; and because the adoption agency was so anti-bmom it was disgusting!

it wasn't a cakewalk, and he didn't have the latest baby-clothes (most were from thrift stores and hand-me-downs). and i doubt he has any long-lasting scars when he's bopping along listening to his ipod :-)

but that's my life.  and i can't say that yours is the same. but all i'll advice you to do is learn ALL you can (even from the so-called "anti-adoption" crew) and make an informed decision.

bottom line: adoption is not all wonderful.  and single-parenting is not all horrible.  

-----------------

also, most who are quick to say what pbmoms should or should not do or feel, have either NEVER been pregnant, or been in the position to place a child!

oh, and regarding the single-parent thing...since half of all marriages end in divorce, that might mean that the child you place will end up being raised in a single-parent home anyway.

good luck sweetheart.  i really do hope it all works out for you...

Answer 21

Wow, lots of good advice here from many posters, how to follow that...hope this isn't making it more confusing.  Here's my story:  I am adopted and my parents were and are the only parents I've ever known and when they told me about being adopted to be honest, I wasn't that bothered by it.  I know very little about my birth mother, just that she was a teenager and single, and although I am sometimes curious about what she looks like and what she's doing now, I don't in any way feel abandoned or have a strong desire to find her.  

I am pretty sure the family life I was put into was what was meant to be.  I am extremely thankful for the oppurtunities I've had and that I was given the chance to be here in the first place.  

Now, I got pregnant when I was 21, I had a semester left to go in my undergrad program, and although I was in a steady relationship with my now husband, I freaked out!  My first thought was that I would never be able to raise a child and handle the emotional trials of parenthood, so the solution that seemed to make the most sense was abortion.  But I'm glad I was talked out of that by my parents and boyfriend because that would have been a mistake.  Then I thought maybe adoption, after all there are a lot of couples out there who are unable to conceive that would feel blessed to have this child.  Well as time went by and I started going through this pregnancy I realized there was no way I could give this kid up, my husband (then boyfriend) was so supportive as well as my family and friends and I have never looked back with regret.

However, your situation is different, you don't have a partner to share the burden and so it will be harder.  My sister got pregnant when she was 19, and her boyfriend wanted her to have an abortion and when she wouldn't he sort of ended it.  So she had the kid, now lives with my parents who have supported her unconditionally while she finished college and waitressed to pay her school and car bills and provide what she could for her daughter.  She has NOT had it easy and sure it was an emotional roller coaster like no other, but I can honestly say she's done a great job with what life dealt her and I know she does not regret having her daughter in her life.  So whatever it is you decide, take your time, way the pros and cons and in the end follow your heart, it always knows.  Ok I'm done babbling, good luck to you!

Answer 22

You have family support.  Talk to them.

I didn't and now my daughter is being raised by others.  You will keep going back and forth on your decision, your thoughts.

It doesn't matter if you are one parent or two.  I have a dear friend who is now a guardian of a great 18 month old and she is single but she has family support. Heck she even has the support of her friends.  Look to see what is around you to help you.  Ask questions.

Do not be bullied into doing something you don't want to do.

Answer 23

I was in the same situation as you exept my job  is not so good.My baby girl is now 16 months old.I don't think anybody isn't scared of the future sometimes but you can do it!! You will be strong enough because you have to be,its worth it!!, Try not to listen to people like your ex's parents ,they are not thinking about you or your baby's best intrests only there own  child's,It is better to be with one parent who loves you than to be abandoned!! I wish you all the luck in the world!!!