I am so confused about adoption "fog". Is it when you start thinking for yourself in relation to adoption?

Question

Instead of thinking adoption is all wonderful like you were taught in younger years?

Then that leads to another question for me.....

Bare with me i'm going to try to be all philosophical like Phil. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound??

If an adult adoptee has never felt the "fog". Are they in denial or does it just not exist for them?

Adult adoptees who have never felt (idk, the fog) do you find the term "fog" condescending? What word would you use other than "fog"?

****I do no want to stir things up. I'm just very confused on this issue and i hope your opinions help me sort this out in my own mind. I hope we can all be respectful of each other as we share our feelings. Thank you!

ETA: I did look up old questions on the fog which left me more confused. thanks.

Answer 1

(I have an answer to the tree question if anyone cares to hear it...)

As for the fog...  Many adoptees use it to describe themselves.  At one point, they did not connect some of their issues with adoption.  They believed that adoption was fine.  At some point, they came to recognize that adoption had a deeper (and negative) effect in their life than they had previously realized.  They describe this as "coming out of the fog."  That is, from what they say, what it feels like.  They had lived in the fog, not realizing something important in their lives, and they, when they did realize it, things seemed clearer.

That's the fog as some adoptees have described it.

I have never really felt like I was in a fog.  I always recognized my adoption as a source of difficulties (though perhaps I have come to a better understanding of its impact in recent years).  I do not think that that makes me better or more aware or any such thing.  I've always been too self-reflective for my own good.  (Ask anyone who knows me.)  I think we all come to our own understandings of ourselves in our way.

If an adult adoptee has never felt that they were in a fog, and never had a problem with their adoption, are they in denial?  There is no answer to this question that anyone can give, IMHO.  Someone who is in denial won't be aware of being in denial (or they wouldn't be in denial).  Someone else does not have access to their subconscious mind, so cannot be certain whether they are in denial.  There is no way of knowing.  I have no intention of speaking for another.  I would never tell someone who feels fine about their adoption that they are in denial, that they are in a fog.  Maybe they are.  But it's certainly not my place to say.  If they are, I won't be helping them by trying to tell them so.  They need to come to that on their own.  If they aren't, they are going to be annoyed and upset (and rightly so) at my trying to tell them how they feel.  

I do not mean to sound condescending when I use the term.  I find it helpful to talk about an experience that is common among adult adoptees.  (I didn't take your question to imply that I was being condescending, but I wanted to be clear to everyone that I didn't mean it that way.)  If someone doesn't think of themselves of having ever been in a fog, then I don't use the term for them.  I use to describe an experience that some adult adoptees report.  Since it is the term that those adoptees themselves use, I didn't think it problematic.

ETA:  I didn't think you were accusing me, or anyone for that matter, of anything.  I think your question quite appropriate and interesting.  I didn't take offense at anything you wrote.  (I tried to convey that.)  No worries.

Answer 2

my brother has never felt it has never needed to know..to him the people that raised us were his birth parents..he thought everyone was adopted..it was hurtful to watch when he realized what adoption meant..but in his world..it didnt alter much for him..me on the other hand.. i have had my moments...but i am out of it now..and i had never thought of it as fog till i read your question..i dont find it condescending..i think its an honest observation..

Answer 3

If I remember correctly, adoption was explained to me in terms that indicated that it was no different than being born to and raised by my own bfamily.  I never could detect any real differences between the way my afamily functioned and the way my friends' families functioned.  I'm lucky to have had a great adoption experience.

So, what was that quirky inkling need-to-know feeling that left me sometimes feeling empty?  Why couldn't I search for my family?  Why was I relinquished for adoption?  Does anyone know about me?  Do my bparents ever think about me?  When?  If my experience was "just like" any other kid...why did it FEEL different to me?  I didn't have words to articulate it years ago.  And, uh, I didn't know who to go to for information (before Internet!).  

Have you ever been hungry for something but you just couldn't figure out what it was you wanted?  You have a sandwich...and then realize that you wanted something sweet.  You eat some cookies...and then realize you wanted something chewy.  It just goes on and on and you just can't put your finger on what it exactly is that you want.  OR You suddenly can't remember the name of __:  maybe the name of the city where your friend lives, the author of your favorite book, whatever...you know it is there somewhere in your brain...but just can't get to it.  Those are sort of like adoption fog to me.  Obviously, these sort of experiences happen to different people with differing frequency.

I think age and maturity have much influence on the adoption experience.  I have been and will be adopted ALL my life.  And my thoughts and feelings about adoption have changed and matured just as my life has changed and matured.  I still don't think I'm done.   I think of the "fog" as the time when I could not admit to myself nor others that maybe adoption was not all a pretty fairytale or that it did make me different from non-adopted people.

Answer 4

I truly believe the "fog" about any issue just does not exist for -  everyone.  We as humans are not all alike!  We are not "one size fits all".   Some people marry convicts, some stay with abusive partners, some have abortions, some give birth 12 times, some tattoo their bodies, some never have s*x, some live in a cabin by the river!

NO ONE can say that because a person has a certain lifestyle, or has made certain choices, or is in certain situations, that another person knows what they are truly thinking, feeling or will feel.  

It just is not so.

I cannot tell an adoptive parent that they will feel complete love and bonding with their adopted child.  Almost all do, but I cannot tell them that THEY will.

I cannot tell a birthmother that they will feel content and happy with their decision.  Many do, but I cannot guarantee that THEY will.

I cannot tell an adoptee that they will be angry and fee sad because they were adopted.  Some do.  But I cannot say THEY will.

I CAN tell them that:  These are the possiblilites, and this is what some seople in your shoes have felt, or do feel.  But not all.  I can say that YOUR experience is YOUR OWN.  Only you will know how you will feel with time.  And, it may change over time.  Or it may be a mixture of feelings.  

Self determination influences our destiny more than actual events.  We cannot control some events in our lives, but we CAN control how we deal with these events.  That is up to us.

Answer 5

I've only heard the term "fog" used on one site.

I think what you're referring to is the "Great Sleep" that was coined by the author and adoptee, Betty Jean Lifton. She covers it in a chapter in Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience, written in 1984.

To me, if an adoptee have searched, met their families (or found out their story from extended familiy), and gone over to the other side, and they say that adoption has not affected them at all.  So be it. But how can you judge anything if you only know half the story?

If an adoptee has not searched, says they have not been affected by adoption, and have 'no interest' in knowing their bio family, or their place in the human race,  I'd say they're "sleeping' or in a fog'.

I personally do not believe that any human being can go through a closed adoption, and say they don't care.  It's just not possible.  Unless maybe this same person has zero curiosity about anything else.  I mean how could an adoptee sit through a history lesson/class as early as elementary class, and NOT wonder where they fit in?  That's some HEAVY DUTY repression.

Any person who is willing to live without knowledge of their own history is living in what Lifton calls "a smaller space".

Answer 6

I had never heard of adoption fog before I read it on here.

I have never felt in any sort of fog. Ironically history was always one of my favorite classes in school and it still fascinates me. I  love to watch the history channel.  Yet I have no desire to search for any biological “family.” I know who I am and  I don’t  need to search or meet any bio‘kin’ to feel complete.   I believe everyone on this planet is descendant of a small group of people; therefore I look at all history as my history and everyone else’s history.  So yeah i don't feel it exists for all adoptees now there may be some who are in 'denial' but there are some who are not.

Speaking of Fog I must thank  this board I pulled an Aprils fool joke on my mixed raced network. I basically sent out an email saying that I had been enlighten, that there was no such thing as mixed raced people, those who felt that there were , were lost in the mixed raced fog. I got the idea of mixed raced fog from this board, so thanks.