I am so unhappy with my life and I feel stuck....?

Question

I am a Mom. I am married. I am a full time student going for my RN. Live in a nice neighborhood, kids go to a great school. The flip side...my husband has been unemployed for a year, he thinks he will never be able to find a job doing what he did or making as much money as he did before, so he does not even look. (he was a construction super.) We can't talk about finances at all without him being defensive. No one knows about our problems even though we are days away from losing our house and utilities. I don't know what to do! Quit school since it is not paying the bills and get a low paying job and never be able to hold any respect for my husband again? I am just down, please don't be mean- just need some fresh opinions.

Answer 1

Don't quit school ! you should keep trying to encourage your DH to look for something even if it is working at a fast food joint. he feels like a failure right now and that is not helping but he does need to get his butt off the couch and get a job. do your best to stay positive. and yeah who ever said Peggy's answer was ludicrous is right.  

Answer 2

This economy is really tough on families like yours. I bet he was great at his job. I bet he was making really good money. I am not sure what is going to jar him loose and make him face reality.

You may have to drop out of school OR get some type of job if he doesn't. Is there someone that he talks to who can get through to him? A friend, parent, minister, or anyone?  

Answer 3

I am going through the same thing since the price of oil went through the roof and our dollar went nuts.I was used to making huge money but now it is really tough but I keep working hard to make what I can because a little bit if money is better than no money.Instead od being the boss maybe he can eat a little crow and be the labour and work his way up again to being the boss.

Answer 4

You two need to sit down and communicate asap and bring everything to the table for discussion and sort this mess out. By the sounds of things, he too is unhappy in the relationship, so start talking.

Answer 5

You gotta let him know that you believe in him and love him no matter what his job is and how much he is paid. You guys have to talk and work together to build your lives/dreams together. It sounds like you going to be an RN is a great thing for you, him, and the family. You gotta find out what his dreams/hopes are and help him to make any steps that he can to help fulfill his dream, as well as your dreams.  Some money is better than no money and sometimes it takes a while working in jobs before we find the job that we do want. In that process, he needs to feel valued, loved and respected. If you 'have to' give up your dream, there will be resentment.

Answer 6

I am kinda in this situation. I have a record so i havent been able to find a job, so my wife is working two jobs to take care of me and our son.I had a good paying job before i caught the case and i know it'll be a while until i find a job that will come close but you know what, i just keep on trying. Sure my wife complain but she knows my situation and she works with me, she dont give me money to play with or buy me clothes but she keeps a roof over my head. What i am saying is that you and your man need to get pushing,do what you must to pay the bills but keep pushing. Dont leave because he cant find a good job because that is grounds for a judgement against you. Pause school for a while and get a job, you have to be strong. Trouble dont last always,trust me. Tell your husband to forget about making a lot of money, just make some for the time being and work on it while you're making money. Good Luck

Answer 7

I don't think anyone could be mean to you. It sounds like you are going through alot and you are enduring, but its pretty draining!! Life is not fair, and when things go wrong of course your husband should not give up and neither should you. I feel sorry that your husband is feeling the way he does. He owes it to himself and his family to take ownership of the situation and try to find a job to help! He may be so depressed that he might be blind to how he is making you feel, and the current circumstances. I would definitely recommend some counseling for him, or even some counseling for the both of you together. It seems like you are at a turning point, you are deep into your life and you feel stuck, which indicates a feeling of obligation and not desire. Hang in there, and don't let him drain out your motivation. You are doing great working towards something that will improve the future of your family. You should NOT have to settle for anything less.  

Answer 8

Sometimes, life's hard times get us to become someone or something we don't want to be, and its tough. When a man's entire role for bringing in the money is taken away, it affects his natural male instinct of being the provider of the family. Of course, theres no excuse for him being lazy and using his personal hurt to not find a solution to your financial problem.

I'm certain your husband already realizes the situation, so be less critical and more supportive, and possibly find work temporarily. He'll see how much ur breaking ur back and hopefully get his act together. You may lose alittle respect for him now, but never lose faith in him. Uplift him and encourage him so he feels that confidence in him to realize that u rely on him. This is what drives men to succeed as well.  

Answer 9

He's got to do something short term so you can finish school. Tell him it'd be short term, that there's light at the end of the tunnel and it'd be 'him taking one for the team'.

Assure him that once you're gainfully employed, you would support the family while he does whatever he needs to do.

Answer 10

When I was down on myself because of crappy jobs, {fast food, for cryin.} my dad told me "you aren't always going to be proud of the job you have, but you can be proud of the job you do." he was right . Being a cook at Churches Chicken is nothing to crow about, unless you're acknowledged as the best cook in several stores. More importantly, a man with dependants doesn't turn his nose up at work that is "beneath him," he provides as best he can for his family, if he has to dig ditches to do it. tell him if he can't find a good job now, he may have to settle. However, a wife is supposed to be a help and a joy, not a burden. If money is that tight, you may have to find work too. Expecting him to kill himself while you don't contribute. {And, in fact, cause a drain on limited resources, unless you have a scholarship/grants} is very selfish.  

Answer 11

Tell your husband I was the OWNER of a fairly large landscape construction company, but when things went bad I did telemarketing jobs.

With all due respect, Peggy's advice is ludicrous. Your husband's problem has to do with a bad attitude, not "depression" or some form of physical or mental ailment/excuse.

Answer 12

A friend of mine was in your exact same situation.  He husband’s industry started to struggle and being middle management, he got laid of first…couldn’t find a job in his field.  Let me point out here that he is not ambitious, outgoing, a self starter, or any qualities that would provoke someone to bounce back and make the best of things.  He became depressed, felt certain jobs were beneath him, was perfectly fine with letting her support him and their children while he contributed nothing.  She knew all this about him BEFORE they got married and knew that he would react this way should the situation arise.  She decided she loved and respected him and married him anyway.  She was in school for RN part-time, holding two jobs and her parents pitched in to take care of the kids and provide necessities for them so the burden wasn’t all on her.  It got to the point where she asked her friends for small loans, of course we were willing to help out any way we could.  He sat on his hands for over a year and his family did nothing to help, no attempts to find a job whatsoever, he didn’t help with the kids.  About a month ago he finally took a job at the grocery store right up the street which has a high turnover and is constantly hiring, he literally could have gotten a job there anytime.

I think she is a saint but her family is important to her and she is happy to be with him, although she knew that he wasn’t the type of guy who would come through in a tough situation.  You need to make tough decisions.  He needs to be willing to communicate, he’s in a marriage, that’s how it works, he has to talk about this with you.  He has to get help for himself and be open to options such as working outside is field of interest.  For my friend it meant relying heavily on her family and friends to help pull her through.  As much as she wanted to keep their situation to herself, it simply wasn’t an option any longer.  She is completing RN school this fall.  We are all incredibly proud of her and her strength in this situation.  They are opposites.  I don’t get why it works for her but it does,  She gets frustrated but doesn’t let it get her down.

Good Luck!

Answer 13

Your husband is suffering from depression.  Try to get him to see a doctor for some mild antidepressants.  He will never get his life back in order, if he does not do something about the depression.

Tell him that if he won't talk about it for his sake, he needs to for the sake of you and the children.  Tell him that he needs to get off his butt, and try to make the best of a bad situation.

Answer 14

Well with the housing market down, what do you expect. There are no jobs for his position because it is slow right now. In the mean time, he should be looking for another job or collect unemployment just to get by. He probably feels that he needs to be the one working but doesn't want to get a job that will pay him only for what he is worth, a low paying job that will not meet yours and his needs. Maybe him feeling inadequate makes him less than a man. Talking about finances should be talked about seriously, not in being in a defensive mode. He could be frustrated as well just like you are. So these are some decisions that you two need to make together and both of you need to agree on them together.

So you need to work together. Since the kids are in school, and times are hard, then you might consider on putting your school for RN on hold and get a job that will bring in some income. In the mean time, your husband just can't wait around for a job to come to him, he should do some searching while he is collecting unemployment too.

Now losing respect for him not finding a job is not the right thing to do either. It will just make matters worse in your marriage. And it is nobody's fault either if you are looking for someone to blame. You are in this together and you both can find a way out. Just don't give up on each other. Do what it takes to make it. But you both need to do something. Pray!  

Answer 15

As a man that has faced unemployment and has had to relocate to support family it is depressing , perhaps he needs to talk to professional if he is just felling sorry for himself he should wake up and take whatever he can find and look for a better position while he's working at whatever he can find . Positive thoughts will help and a good attitude .If you have the Love for each other talk to him and get him doing somthing a hand up not a hand out keep him with his pride and keep him working at any thing .

Answer 16

He gets defensive because he doesn't wanna feel like he failed you! It's a touchy subject to him right now.

Just encourage him...you giving people credit even if it's not worthy it...that usually gets them pumping! He will then finally realize that he needs a job!