I am starting to resent my husband for not being able to support a family. What should I do?

Question

My husband and I have been married for about a year and are in our mid-twenties. He is great and I love every minute I'm with him, but I am starting for resent his current inability to support a family. When we got married he was almost half way done with college and we had our 5 year plan figured out. Then about 3 months ago he lost his job and decided to change his major in college. That means starting all over with classes for the major he chose - none of the previous credits transfer! Since his schooling will now be more intense and longer ( Grad school will also be required) we agreed that he should work part-time and go to school full-time.

Now, I am starting to get frustrated because we had planned to have children a couple years after we were married but with the lose of income and longer schooling it seems like it is forever away. My heart aches everytime I see a little baby and I know I want to have children soon. I'm starting to resent that I have to be the one going to work, paying all the bills, supporting him, etc. - when we both had planned for me to be a stay at home mom in a few years. It is really important to both of us that I stay home with our kids. I'm starting to also resent that he didn't graduate from college or get this all out of the way before, like I have, instead he just kind of messed around for a few years after highschool and didn't really get anything done. Now I feel like I am the one paying for it.

I know we are both in this together and that having children is still a priority for both of us but how do I have enough strength to wait it out and how do I not let this start to make me resent my husband?

Answer 1

I don't know. There are the obvious possibilities and there are the sneaky answers. I guess you need to try to talk to him about your frustration and see what he says. Eventually what you do will come down to you. Being married a year isn't an extraordinary amount of time, but by the same token things don't seem as rosey to you as they did on your wedding day or I trust you wouldn't have gotten married. I do know no matter who the heck one gets married to there are negatives- so with that in mind find out what your destiny holds.  

Answer 2

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, count five things you are grafeful for. You mentioned 3 in your notations. 1) you really love your husband  2) you and your husband have shared family goals 3) YOUR HUSBAND IS INVESTING in your shared future by actually getting educated.   What i suggest is that he works and goes to school (make it a priorty that he does shift work of some kind--weekends or what ever.) Day care at colleges is excellent and parents are required to put in 12 to 15 hrs a week in at daycare. Pell grants can help offset costs. Frankly I'd have my baby and yea planning is critical. Family could help. Sometimes you must do some figuring you didn't intend.  My husband drove 11/2 hrs. a day both ways so we could live in an excellent area with a good college. Now we can prioritze differently but it was worth it. Ask God for help here. I'll pray for you.

Answer 3

If you love him enough then you will get through this.

Answer 4

Start by really, truly accepting that this is a shared responsibility.  Blaming your husband for not making better plans to meet your needs long before he met you is selfish and childish. Defining his role in life as making your dreams come true is a recipe for a disastrous marriage.  Talk together about what you both can do to accomplish your goals.  Ask what you can do to support him.  Acknowledge that the unexpected happens, that plans go astray.  Lots of people have lost their jobs.  Planning for the best career in a world changing as fast as this one is tough.  Recognize that your life together will be better if you invest in his happiness, and not just your own.  Try every day to make things a little easier for him.  He will appreciate it and respond, and your love will grow.  Have patience.

Answer 5

Get your thoughts together and sit down with your husband and talk to him about how you feel.  Try not to point a finger of blame at him, but rather tell him you feel as if the plan has been scrapped and you didn't get your two cents in.

Marriage takes two, so you need to look at yourself, too.  Are you resentful because you're tired of working and want to stay home and sit on your butt?  If that's the case, grow up, sweetie!  Life isn't always going to go your way.

You and your husband need to be on the same page and need to make decisions together.  Don't let this stew or you might blow up!  Talk to him.

Answer 6

I would suggest you break up with him before he does. You should take it easy, push him to get a job but don't resent and sob everytime u see a child... your still young, take it easy. You support him now, and he will support you when he is done. Be rational. Your not in the old age, get a job and do what you gotta do. WAIT, there are millions of kids dieing in africa cuz they don't have food, why don't you sponsor one, it will make you feel better. plus, you could hang on that until he is ready. Don't rush a life changing experience.... good luck

Answer 7

It's the 21st century. You need to get a job as well. Hold off on babies and make sure your marriage is strong.  Thats the trouble with most marriages, having children too soon.  You got time if your in your mid 20's geez...

Answer 8

By growing up and not being selfish!  So you have to wait longer to get what you want, that's life!  It won't be the last time your plans get changed, so you may as well get used to it now!  You knew his schooling situation when you married him, so you can't lay that on him and he can't help that he lost his job!  If he can support YOU when you have kids, then you can support HIM now!  and stop whining!

Answer 9

You don't resent him for not being able to support a family, you resent him because YOU'RE supporting the family.  You're not behind on your bills (from what I've read), you're not hungry (or at least don't say so), you're just angry because he decided to start over, which is still understandable.  It could be worse, but what you have to look at now is will his new career choice support your family better than his old one would have?  Also, why did he change majors?  Was it because of this job loss or did he lose interest in his major or did the new major seem more appealing?  Find the reason why he changed and try to understand it.  Also, you're in your mid twenties, children are a priority, but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of a child.  My wife and I had our child when we were both 30, so there is still time.  My wife is a stay-at-home mom, so you can get there too.  Patience is a virtue and your patience in this matter will be tried, but your husband needs your support and he also needs to be reminded how you feel about your future.  He has to keep his sights on both his family and his career and you can keep him focused enough to do that.  Good Luck in starting that family, but don't do it at the expense of possibly both your dreams by trying to rush things.

Answer 10

You shouldn't rush anything as important as having a baby.

Answer 11

well it sounds like you still love him so thats a plus.  he needs to get his S together and get done with school.  If he was serious about it he could do it in ~4 years ...most schools have accelerated masters programs.  He can also get an internship somewhere...I dont know his major but in engineering he could make about $18-20 an hour working 20 hours a week for some big company.  Other majors may have the same oppourtunities.  Just stick with him and hopefully he gets motivated...if you haven't you should probably let him know that its starting to tick you off too.  

Answer 12

Hmm, I can see why you would start to resent him.  But, if he has to go to grad school, doesn't that mean he will make more money than his previous major?  Maybe you should think of the pros right now.  As long as he isn't twiddling his thumbs and skipping classes, you should be ok with him trying to make more out of his life.  If would suck to be you if he was stuck in a job he didn't like, cuz that can hurt a marriage quickly.  I don't really know how to help you, but you need to do something for yourself.  In your mind, he is putting your goals aside for his own wants, but you should figure some short term goals in your life to fill in the gap also.  

Oh, and make sure when you are both working and getting ready to have the kids finally that you put one income in the bank to help prepare you for one income after kids.

Answer 13

I can understand you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place, and you kind of feel like you are coming undone, and what have you signed on for, etc.

Before your resentment goes any further, get out a piece of paper and write down everything you love and respect about him.  Make a long list.  Really do this.  

Then show him you love him.  Don't let your emotions become something divisive for you two.

Then, on another piece of paper write down all you are thankful for.  Here's a start: you love your husband, you love and want children, you have a job, you can write well ... keep going.

On a third piece of paper write down what your life goals are and think of other goals besides wanting children.  What are you good at? What do you want to pursue?  Start making some time to start to plug away at some of them.

I'm older than you, and I can say looking back in my life, that the plan is great for a roadmap, but steer off the main road once in a while to see where the side roads take you.  This working and studying for a while is a side road, but you know it will lead you back to the main road.

Answer 14

Without a degree expect your husband to always only make minimum wage in a world where that wont bring in even enough to pay all the bills. Sacrifices have to be made to achieve a comfortable lifestyle so you can be a stay at home mother. It is your turn to be supportive so you can have what you want later. It is all part of growing up and being an adult. You two have to work together to achieve what you want. Prices on everything are going up and without this degree you will be living on the poor side of town eventually. So my advice is to look to the future and work hard now to get there. Your husband is and so should you. Going to school AND working even a part time job is exhausting. I know because I have done it.  

Answer 15

It's good that you care about your future and everything, but you don't have to have children right this minute.  Also, he's a guy, and a lot of them don't like to think more than 5 seconds into the future.  If you really love him, be supportive, and he should be supportive of you as well.   As far as being a stay at home mom, I think that you should both be working so that way one of you can't say that you take care of too much.  

Answer 16

Commitment is hard.  Love honor and cherish until death do you part is hard.  The divorce rate is very high because most would choose the easy route of just calling it quits when things get hard.  However that's what marriage is all about.

Have you talked to him about your resentment?  Open communication is tremendously important in a successful marriage.  Don't let this fester in you or it could mean the end of your marriage.

Answer 17

If you want your husband to be the one to support the family and work.  He should be in a career that he enjoys and will be happy to be doing.  Since, you aren't planning on not working and he's going to be the sole provider it should be his decision wha he wants to do.

A lot of people have there whole lives planned out, but things don't always go the way you want it to go. Things change and times change.  You need to not have such high expectations for your life.  It will build up too much stress.

You should find a job and see if you guys can save up.

Answer 18

My wife and I both are in our late 20's. we have been married now for 'bout 8 yrs. Once you got married you joined a team. It's up to BOTH of you to make sure this team makes it through life. Trust me, I have 2 lil girls and there is plenty of time for kids. If you jump into this now you will regret it in about 5-6 yrs. You prob. don't beleive me but....experience speaks novels about this situation. Take your time, enjoy being free (sort of) Get a job, this is 50/50 not 70/30.

Answer 19

Wow, the sooner you can come to terms that this is LIFE, the better.  You went into this and married him before he finished school, and now you are blaming him for it?!  You both made this decision.  And yes, we have all had our plans marred by loss of employment, or whatever.  Even though it suck*, it is the way thing work sometimes.  You should be thrilled that you are still married cause when things get bad, guys usually split.  He's sticking it out and trying to work it out.  You will eventually have a family, be happy you don't have kids in the current position you are in.

Yes, I can empathize because I have suffered some of this and then some.  But, instead of complaining about things be grateful for what you have and get a job.  You'll get where you want to be faster, if you do so.

Give your husband a hug when he gets home and support him.  Life is always going to throw you a curve ball, if you handle it properly now, the next one won't throw you for a loop.  It's called reality.

EDIT - Great!  You have a job that pays well, feeds you and your husband, pays your mortgage, all utilities and helps both of you from being homeless.  So you have to wait a few more years to have kids, your working and your husband's degree will only make it that much better for them.

Answer 20

You should only get married until you are sure you can support a family. good thing you dont have kids. But you should get a different job and he should as well

Answer 21

CALM the F DOWN. You sound like you have been 8.5 months pregnant for the last year.  Be happy that you have found someone that is willing to support you and your baby. If he is committing his life to you, at least allow him to have a job that he is happy working at.

Answer 22

I have to ask this question also.  Does your husband resent you too?  I mean, in a relationship, partners begin to telegraph their feelings at one another without noticing it.  Do you think he would resent you for asking this question, and belittling his own dreams just because yours have been delayed by a couple of years?  You are right, you are in this together.  And you both have long lives to live.  After grad school, he will be a better provider, and he knows this.  My wife is a stay at home mom and I make a better than average living, but bills still keep coming, and it's hard to take care of a family even on my wages.  He's doing his best it sounds, but has been a little flaky in the past.  As long as he continues to try and make a better life after graduation, I don't see why you would be so resentful of lending him a helping hand since he will be taking care of you for the rest of your life after college.

Answer 23

be cool is the way to go.

Answer 24

You have to let him know how you feel. If you love any moment with him then leaving is not an option for you. Sit him down, and explain to him exactly what it is you resent. Tell him that you BOTH planned to start a family and get your lives truly started and now you have to wait for him to catch up to adulthood and it isn't fair.

You should let him know that you were looking forward to starting your lives together as a family and that he is messing it up for the both of you. You should support him for at least going to school and make sure he knows that you aren't angry with him, you want him to understand how you feel. Try to make him see things through your eyes.

Good Luck, hope I helped even in the least bit.  

Answer 25

Some decisions need to be made quickly.  He needs to work full-time.  He needs to go to school part-time.  He needs to finish up what he started in college.  That's a waste of time and money and credits.  There are so many women that have put their husbands through school, paid all the bills, etc. and then after the man gets his degree, he walks out. He is half way through so he has about 2 years to go?  Finish the first degree.  Go for a second degree with a master's program plus a doctorate or 2 masters degrees.  You think you're  resented it now what if you had a child? I see a hurricane coming.  You don't need any children right now until you get the first baby straightened out. (your husband)  Sit down and tell him that this was our plan and he needs to sacrifice for the marriage and get a new full-time job and finish the first four years of college with the original major up first.  Then he can go to grad school.  Explain that you are not supporting the household and you resent doing so.  It is not only your responsibility too take care of the house.  You should have your separate bank account also and credit cards.  Some marriages are just not made in heaven.  Good luck!

Answer 26

you arent being fair or supportive of your husband , do not let money rule the way you think about your husband ...

you made a deal to help him a few years and then he is going to be wealthy and support you the rest of your life ... sounds like you are taking advantage of him and crying about this deal not being good for you is crazy !!!!

most people have to work their whole lives and their 5 year plan flew out the window for about a million different reasons and they still have families and live good lives

money causes most divorces ... these kind of problems happen to people all the time , just work as a team with your husband and get through this ...

5 year plans sound great but dont work perfectly everytime ...

if i had a dollar for everytime something went wrong i would be a rich man , but i still have my susie (14 years later) and i wouldnt want to lose her for anything ...

i wanted to help and give you straight advice , but i feel some thumbs downs coming

Answer 27

Ouch your in a tough position. to start up with, congrats on taking this into your own hands, its got to be very stressful. you have to look at what will come out of your husbands new education. will it be worth it in the long run? if he gets a better job that he enjoys more and has a bigger salary with, then waiting might be a good thing. however, if your looking to have kids, you have to keep in mind the expenses. maybe you and your husband could sacrifise some things and set up a savings account to pay? for example cutting down on luxury spending, going out to dinner less, using less gas, things like that, and then place the money saved from that in the bank to help pay for baby expenses? Try and talk to your husband about this so that you can exchange ideas.

hope i helped!!!

Answer 28

You need to realize, that somewhere there were signs that he was unstable. And im not saying in a needs help sort of way. Maybe i should say wishy-washy. Anyone who half completes college..and then changes their mind has to start all over.. shows that they sometimes dont have the stability you desire. I mean you married him, so you have to deal with it for now. I would say just continue doing what you are doing.. Or since he didnt keep his end of the bargain.. dont keep yours.. and refuse to support him

Answer 29

If he seems to be serious about his new major - studying in the morning, preparing and sticking to a schedule, passing up time with the buddies or tv or video game to study - then I say support his new found career and ask him to get a part time job. If he doesn't slack, redoing college should be easier and less study time and he do a parttime job.

If he seems to be approaching his new career halfassed then ask him to take a break, get a job, and take care of the child. Have him think things over and see if hewant to finish what he did originally. Somethimes people burn out and just need a vacation.

Communication is key. Perhaps get a counselor, to show that you are serious. Most of all tell him what concerns you, how his new choice is affecting you (don't be accusatory or blaming, just honest and confiding), and tell him you love him no matter what and want to preserve what you both have.

His responsibilty is to the family, so is your's. You both need to be on the same page about the future.  

Answer 30

So simply because he lost his job he decided to change his major altogether?  This sounds extremely drastic.  Were you not aware you were marrying a man so fickle in his responsibilities?

It is hard to place all the blame on your husband.  After all, his changing majors was a decision the both of you agreed on.  You said 'Sure, honey, we can do that' and now you are pouting in a corner because that wasn't what you really wanted.

If I were you I would have a big talk tonight.  No waiting.  Sit him down and say 'Three months ago when you lost your job and decided to change your major I wasn't thinking long-term enough to realize what this sort of change would have on our lives.  I would like to go back to our first plan of you graduating with XX degree and us working on our family.  The way we are on track now we will not be able to have a family for X years and this is too long for me to wait.  I want to support you in all that you do but our family comes first and you changing majors is a large expense both financially and emotionally.  Please consider changing to your first career choice.'

You talking this bluntly lets him know exactly where you stand.  It is up to you to determine what steps you will take if he decides to stick with his new, long, expensive career path.  Perhaps you picked the wrong guy when you walked down that aisle.....

Answer 31

get a job?