I am stuck and don't know what to do. My husband hits himself when we get into arguments.?

Question

It's been like 3 or 4 times that this has happened in our 1 and a half year relationship. Sometimes, our arguments get hot, then he gets up, he curls his hands into fists, and he hits himself on the head, on the chest, and just recently he grabbed for a pocket knife. It seems like each time, he adds something different, and tries to hurt himself worse. He didn't hurt himself with the knife, thank goodness, but I am so afraid for him. I do not believe he will hurt me, but I am just scared he is going to really hurt himself one day. This drains me, I have become depressed, and it just puts a damper on everything I do now. I am going to attempted to convince him to let me get him help from a therapist. But I do not know what to do in the meantime. I know I should be asking a therapist, but... right now, I am resorting to anything, even if means resorting to online forum.

Answer 1

I agree with 1st answerer

he is attention seeking, but obviously he needs help

Answer 2

1. Be glad he is not doing this to you or a kid.

2. He is doing this for attention and the more you make out of it the more he will do it. Ignore it and it will probably stop.

3. Tell him if he does not grow up you will leave him and find a grown man to be with.  

Answer 3

go and try to know ur husbands past life ....

even from childhood......

know all abt his life......

and if there is something that ur husband was unable to get due to any reason......

then try ur own to give that thing to ur husband....

what ever it is.......after getting that thing

ur husband will never hit himself

and will always love u thruout ur life

Answer 4

I self - harm when the emotional pain becomes too big to bear and physical pain is the only outlet. I usually get wound up enough inside to self harm if there is a heated row.  I was abused as a child everthing triggers back to that - before you do anything try to talk calmly wiht him t see if you can both determine what triggers this.

I imagine that you and he are both frightened. I think arguements are a huge trigger because they invite in the door 'being wrong ' and 'being a brute' and 'being a victim' all hard places to endure for all people involved.

Some of us have  a history that makes the places unbearable - maybe parents that rowed  whatever.

Outside help would seem to be an answer - whatever - you need to talk and tell him how concerned you are and to take responsibility for your end.

I hate the idea that people say we do these things 'just' for attention -

Giving us motives solves no problems.

We hurt ourselves because it is the only thing that works in that moment that we know about. I have been doing this since I was five years old - am now 60 and have been working seriously hard at getting a handle on it all my life.

Answer 5

Weird. Is he or was he in the military? Some are taught to distract you from the pain that is happening, cause another pain to endure, somehow balancing them out. Just a theory. The bright side? At least he is not hitting you. Yet.  

Answer 6

As someone who has been on the opposite side of this situation I hope I can help. For a long time I would get into fights with my GF and get incredibly frustrated. The fights could often be large blowouts, but even smaller arguments - where she says something snippy to me or gets annoyed with me about something - I would become very frustrated and bottle up the feeling. The result: I would wait until she disappeared and hit myself. Usually on the head with my fists, or with a hard object, sometimes several times, sometimes only once. I usually aimed for my scalp so no one would see the bruises, but I have given myself bruises on the forehead, and once a black eye.

I never really stopped to think about what I was really feeling - I would just let the feeling of frustration overwhelm me. There are lots of reasons I think a guy might do this. But mainly I feel it is an inability to communicate. I often felt like I was on the defensive during fights. I'd be accused of something, or forced to deal with something my GF brought up. I noticed in all of the cases where I ended up being self-destructive my GF had confronted me in a particularly offensive or venting way - interested mainly in getting something emotional off of her chest, and not so interested in the argument. I automatically would feel cornered though - I could not fight back because I would not want to say something I did not mean. I would not try to appease her with an answer because I usually didn't feel like I had to explain myself. And I didn't feel like I could tell her to calm down so we could discuss it more rationally because it would be patronizing her, or belittling her feelings. So I had no way out as I saw it, but to shut down and "boycott" the fight or admit defeat "no contest," leaving a lot of bottled up frustration in me that I did not know how to get out other than to hit myself or punish myself.

Therapy would definitely help with the more deep seated aspects of his self-punishment. But the best advice I can offer is to help him out of his shell by not reacting to the behavior, but trying to help change the dynamics so he does not act out his frustration. When you argue make sure it is productive. You are entitled to your feelings but try to give him the opportunity to explore and articulate his feelings by asking him non-accusing questions and listening actively. If he yells or is violent tell him you want to understand why your argument is causing him to react that way. Try to figure out what the object of the argument is before you start to bring up an issue - if you just want to vent about something make sure that is all you are doing and not directing emotional violence towards him. If you have a straightforward issue or concern think it through before you approach him. Hopefully he can learn from your example.

Warning: Do not offer him ultimatums about his behavior. If you feel truly frustrated or threatened by his behavior you must leave, no questions asked. However, an ultimatum will likely lead to desperation - he may just turn to hiding his behavior and feel more frustrated that you do not seem to be concerned with why he is doing what he is doing.

Answer 7

This is a serious problem...I really hope you see a therapist about this. In the meantime, make sure your husband doesn't have access to weapons and don't be afraid to call the police if you really believe he's in danger of hurting himself.  

Answer 8

Two words: Marriage Counseling.  

Answer 9

How do you think your husband will react to counseling? If you think badly then go yourself and talk to a councilor or therapist while he is at work or something. Find out from them how to approach the situation. I worked with developmentally disabled people and they do what is called self injurious behavior  for a whole spectrum of reasons from pure frustration to  not knowing what else to do to get across their point of view.