I am the new step-father but I can not discipline or correct our child what should I do?

Question

Recently I am the new stepfather of a handsome, smart, and very energetic young 5 year old boy. We get along well for the most part and I love him dearly but he doesn't see me as an authority finger. I have been told by my wife to never discipline her child and also was told by him that if I did something to him to tell his mother. She says that all discipline is going to come from her only. But what if he gets out of hand and I am the only one around? And in my fustration yell at him and he runs back to my wife what message is that sending? Does she not trust me? What if we have another child?

Answer 1

explain this to her and tell her ur his stepfather and u do provide and raise him now. so u have every right to disipline him. if she still doesnt see that then tell her u dont want to have children with her if shes going to treat u like a boyfriend.  

Answer 2

SHE appears to have zero repect for you and sounds like a total control freak.  I am sorry.  How old are you?  I wouldn't impregnate her!

Answer 3

my husband went through the same thing with my son and myself. It had been just me and my son for 3 yrs and then my husband moved in with us I think we had been living together for a year and my son threw one of the kittens into the air onto the couch to see if she would land on her feet,I was not in the room at the time when my hubby yelled at him and told him to go to his room till he could figure out a good punishment. I was soo mad at my hubby I felt that he had over stepped a line that was not his to cross. My husband asked me what his role to my son was if he couldn't discipline him, and if that was the case what were we going to do when we had other kids. If I wanted him to treat all our kids the same then he was going to take an active part in my sons up bringing otherwise we shouldn't be together thinking of having more kids.

            I know from experience that as a single mom we feel it is our job to parent our kids when someone steps in its hard to let go of some of the responsibility that has been solely ours for so long. Tell her that you are concerned about how the child will feel when you have other kids and you treat them differently. He's small enough to accept you as an authority figure the longer she waits to include you the harder it will be for him to accept you. You need to tell her you want to be an active parent for this little boy so good luck  

Answer 4

Hm, I'm not sure.

I would just send him to his room.

OBVIOUSLY you have to be able to discipline somewhat.

She's just crazy if she doesn't let you send him to his room or anything.

Answer 5

i would either leave her or get a vasectomy so you don't have kids with her she sounds selfish sh*t your married now that is your child to it my only be by marriage but it shouldn't matter do they live in your house? i think that you need to sit you WIFE down and tell her to get over it and if the child does something wrong your going to correct him even if you have to yell or spank him and if she don'[t like the idea tell her goodbye

Answer 6

This has definitely got to be difficult for you.  I can not understand why your wife would expect you to not dish out at least SOME discipline.  The child is so disrespectful of you because his mother has pretty much shown him you are not an authority figure in his life.  Being a step parent, I can tell you honestly that it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  I could not imagine doing it without my husband backing me up and supporting me in discipline with his daughter.  My advice for you is this: sit down and talk with your wife about how you are feeling.  I know that it may be difficult for you, and it will definitely take time to come to a middle ground when it comes to disciplining your step son.  You need to ask your wife what does she expect you to do if you are the only one around and her son is trying to do something wrong or harmful.  In my opinion, step parents have every right to discipline and their spouse should back them up or the home will be complete chaos.  Talk to her, see if that helps any.  I had to sit down and talk with my husband many, many times (and sometimes still do) about the discipline with my step daughter, and we have came together in the discipline so our home runs better.  I wish you luck, it will be difficult, but I hope the best for you!

Answer 7

You probably should have hammered this out before you got hitched.  Mom's policy is sound for boyfriends, but not for stepdads.  You deserve at the very least the respect and deference due any adult.

I suspect soon enough Mom will dislike being the bad guy after you rat out her little manipulator often enough.  Just because you can't mete out punishment yourself doesn't mean you can't report every misbehavior and insist that he be punished when Mom gets home.  It works both ways.  If on the other hand, Mom thinks Junior can do no wrong, then you have a much bigger problem and family counseling may be in order.

Answer 8

She needs to bring you aboard her ship as a parental figure in this child's life, trust me or else your going to have a 16 year old kid who has no respect for you what so ever and he will be conning his mom into  everything right before your eyes!!!

good luck!!!

Answer 9

Talk to her and see what you can yell at him for.  Like running into the street, setting fires, sticking his hand in an electric outlet.  There has to be some middle ground or are you just suppose to let him hurt himself.

As for hitting him, don't.  Let her do all the disciplining and time out.  You will probably have to prove that you have the temperament not to beat or go to extremes before she let's you discipline.  Probably 5 to 10 years from now.

Answer 10

I had teenage step children, but I can tell you your step son is going to try everything to make you mad, so he can go to his mother.

Get a video camera and use it so you wife can see his behavior when she is not at home. If the child hurts himself you will be accused of not watching the child. Does not disciplining him also mean keeping him out of harms way?

You are going to have to take a deep breath, and shrug off his attempts to make you mad. Sooner or later, he will give up trying to make you lose-it . He had his mom to himself and he probably does not want to share as of yet; same your wife. She has disciplined the child alone and does not need help; one day the  situation may change, be patient. If you have children together the situation will be different and more room  for parental sharing of discipline.

It will all work out just give it time

Answer 11

This is something you need to bring up with your wife, she obviously feels very protective of her son but this will be very detrimental to the child and your relationship with him. The dynamic as it is, makes you no more then like a sibling to him make it clear to your wife that he must treat you as a father fugure because that is what you are. Decide the appropriate dscipline between you and communicate with eachother about how it will be handed down.

Answer 12

And you married this woman because?

These are ground rules that should have been hashed out prior to this marriage.

Honestly, it's a recipe for disaster.  If both parents cannot discipline it creates chaos and you better believe this handsome, smart and very energetic boy knows exactly how to play this game.

You need a partner, not a dictator, which is exactly what your wife is.

Get this straightened out, get some counseling, but don't have another child at this time.

Answer 13

Next time he acts up, paddle him, hard. If your wife has any problem with this, tell her to pack her bags. Geez, be a man.

Answer 14

It is because you aren't his real father. If you have a child together it will be a lot different.

Answer 15

the kid is 5 not 15, I think that this situation has to change immediately. the child has to see u as an equal to his mother or u guys will have an unequal marriage which could lead to disaster. wat of u have another child? then wat, u will disipline one and not the other and then the step kid will grow up and say some c**p about how he was treated diffently? duh. resolve this now and become an EQUAL in the parenting. I'm sure u equally pay the bills and put food in the kids mouth and heat in his room.

Answer 16

He doesn't see you as an authority figure because his mother has said that you are not an authority as far as he is concerned.  I would find it very hard to live in a home with children that I was not allowed to discipline.  I definitely think that you should follow whatever discipline style your wife uses, but if you are the only one around then you should be able to discipline him.  Does he ever go to a babysitter, or to school?  If so, then does she not allow the sitter or the teachers to discipline her child?  I think that she has put you in a bad position and I would be worried about the future of your relationship.

Answer 17

Okay you need to get this situation taken care of asap. And it all has to do with your wife. Explain to her that you won't watch her son if she doesn't want you to discipline him, or for him to look at you as a father figure. And trust is the most important thing in a realationship, if your wife doesn't trust you with her own son, then i really don't understand why she would marry you. This really is about you and wife's realationship. Tell her your concerns and see what she says.  

Answer 18

This is always difficult with the whole "step parent" thing. I have always been all for step parents and even just parents boyfriends and girlfriends punishing a child. I don't think it is right for a child to be able to walk all over someone because they aren't their "real" parent. You should still be able to discipline him as you see fit, wether or not his mom is around. You are a big part of his life now and I think it is wrong for her to expect you to just ask like your not. My step father was always allowed to punish me as if I was his own and I respect him now, He was more of a father to me than my real father ever was. I never thought he shouldn't be punishing me and I think it is crazy when I hear someone say a step parent shouldn't. You are a parent figure in this child's life and you really need to talk to your wife about his, otherwise you are going to get stepped all over, and this child will not respect you. I really think before you have a child with this woman you should talk about a lot of things with her. Otherise you could end up in a bad situation. Good luck

Answer 19

You are not the child's father. There are some counselors that actually do advise that a step-parent does not have the same control over the child as the birth parent does. BUT, you still need to talk to your wife about this. It is important for a child to see his parents as a UNITED front, not as two separate entities. If you have a child with this woman, it will be different because you will be the biological father of him/her. You need to talk with your wife about how you can talk to the child, because even though you don't have the SAME control, it can't be off-limits for you to correct the child. He must be taught that you are a parent that deserves the same respect.

Answer 20

I think that since she chose you as her spouse she needs to accept the partnership that comes with that.  You both need to have a talk about what kind of discipline she approves of for her child and she needs to give you the right to enforce that when she's not around.  

You have to show a united front, not only with each other but also with his biological father.  When a child learns that he can pit one parent against another is when you start having major problems with them respecting anyone, because it becomes a game for them...let's see what I can get away with...

Until you have the respect from her and her son, hold off on having more kids because this is a disaster waiting to happen and you wouldn't want to divorce and have to leave your child behind.

Answer 21

i would say talk with her about this... i can understand her maybe not wanting you to hit him but to be firm when he is out of control should be ok... idk.. i would say u 2 need to find a middle ground because he will take advantage of ur not being able to put him in his place... good luck with this one

Answer 22

She is being a protective mother and that is very honorable. I think there needs to be a compromise. Let her discipline with the big stuff, like spanking if she does that. But you need to be able to correct him or he will end up not respecting you. Maybe you and your wife should talk about how you can do this so that she feels comfortable. Don't be offended, that is her child and a mother will turn like a mother wolf to protect her children. Maybe some outside help would be good, like parents as teachers.