I am thinking I want to divorce my wife.?

Question

We don't fight but we don't have the same goals. I want to go cruising (buy a boat and sail to the Caribbean) she wants to sit still and visit with family. We only have one child, actually it is her son but I have helped raise him for about 20 years. We have been married for 14 years and did cruise for 2 years.

I used to feel dependent on her for things like health insurance (we had it from her old employer) and extra income but she hasn't worked much in the last 6 months. Part of the income thing is that I am a yacht broker and am paid strictly on commission. If I don't sell a boat I earn nothing and although it isn't likely one salesman here just went six months without selling anything.

She just came back home after spending six weeks visiting her family and while she was gone I did some hard thinking. My feelings for her have diminished as she has no goals and can't even decide what she wants to be when she grows up (she is 50.) I know where I want my life to go and I don't think I can get there with her. The biggest questions are how to breakup and divorce her without hurting her terribly.

Answer 1

you guys need to sit down and talk about it.. I know many men that go cruising and still married.. wife stays home and they have their lives, but with each other sometimes.. just be honest with what you want..  

Answer 2

To be honest man, I don't think that divorce is the answer....The thing that I think needs to happen is you guys sit down and have a looooooonnnnnnnnggggggg  conversation to determine what's most important...If anything comes before the other, than you guys should seek counseling

Answer 3

Sir, you do what you have to do. But sometimes just thinking alone about this problem shouldn't resort to fast to a solution.

Talk this out with her, tell her how you feel. Heck, tell her how you feel about just thinking about divorcing her.

Maybe there's reasons she hasn't been working much, even reasons she's visiting her family often. She's 50, I'm sure there must be tons of things running through her mind as well.

Also, sounds like you have some security issues to overcome.  

Answer 4

thats crazy. all those years and you dont think you can work it out? You know what my uncle did when he wanted to divorce my aut after 21 years? he looked at old pictures of them happy and young together. He remembered her when they fell in love and he realized nothing, not money problems no "goals" could separate them and after 21 years they can work things out and make them both happy. There is no way you can't hurt her feelings. good luck

Answer 5

Not going to happen. Whatever excuse you come up with is still going to devastate her. Maybe she'd be better off without you. Why would she want to stay married to a man that is so selfish he has to look for an excuse to divorce her just because she doesn't want to travel?  Either there is a good reason & maybe not but don't be surprised if she lets out a big sigh of relief when you leave.  

Answer 6

In other words, while she was gone, that only added to your missing income that could've been earned. You already felt the need to have somebody else in her shoes to make up for the 'lost' income, but then for her to have the insensitivity to go off and lounge with her family, without giving a hoot about YOUR extra added income is inconsiderate huh?  What gall do you have to blame her at anytime for not pulling your weight. She HAS got to feel the same way! You both should leave each other.

Answer 7

You can't sell any boats, but you're going to buy one and sail the ocean?

Stick with her - if the insurance has mental health benefits.  

Answer 8

Divorce will hurt, no matter how you deliver it. You just have to sit her down, tell her what you are thinking, and tell her that you have goals and aspirations too, and that you want to follow them.

Maybe she'll understand, maybe she won't, either way it will be difficult.

Answer 9

Honey! Please give me another chance! I'll change! Sail around the world with me!

LOL, okay, I'm not your wife, but I think your question is ridiculous. How can you divorce her without hurting her terribly?

You can't.

I don't see any real huge problems in your relationship that would warrant a divorce. There does not seem to be the big A's -- affair. abuse, addiction, at least from her, and not from you given what you've posted. Only the fourth A -- apathy -- which can be fixed.

You can tell her, in a sit-down-and-talk scenario, hopefully with some yummy wine or booze, but don't overindulge,  Ask her to please hear you out.

"Honey, I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I think we're in a rut. I'm not feeling happy for a few reasons. One is, your lack of goals and ambition makes me feel insecure. Not because of income or health insurance, but because of the kind of person it reflects -- someone apathetic in directing her own life. I fell in love with you because you seemed strong and independent and something's changed. Can I help you define your goals so you are going somewhere with your life?"

also...

"I had some time to think about where I want my life to go. I want (and list the things you want that you don't think you can have with her, but don't point out that you don't think you can achieve them with her). I wish I knew what you wanted so we could support each other. Our lives are different now with Daniel (her son's name) grown and I think we both need to rethink some things. I have wanderlust. I can't help it. I've always been this way. I can't sit still and visit for extended periods. I want to go away on a boat/yacht and see the sea and the air and sky. I want to do it with you, but I have to ask you -- is that what you want?"

I think starting those two conversations will get her to open up to you about what she wants. Maybe she'll commit to defining her goals by getting a therapist or life coach (which you should suggest to her -- or the books What Color is Your Parachute or if you are of a Christian bent 40 Days of Purpose. I actually suggest you get at least one of them on Amazon to arrive before you have this conversation).

Not to be overly Dr. Phil but do your level best to make her understand you want to be excited about your life again.

It should open up the discussion. Maybe she'll open up about a desire to go back to school or pursue a new venture or something. Maybe she'll look at you like you're insane and say she wants to be sheltered and comfortable. If it's the latter tell her you can't be that for her.

Whatever the fallout, it will be honest and genuine, give her a chance to get off her a** and do something with her life, and if she won't consider it and thinks you're wrong for wanting more, then at least you'll know and you can divorce knowing you tried to live this act of your life with her and it wouldn't work because the two of you are incompatible at this point.

There is a tiny chance it will bring up the fact that she's had similar thoughts about you and you can part amicably.

Be well. I hope it goes spectacularly and you get to the point you can move forward together with excitement for these empty nest years.

Answer 10

she probably feels the same

Answer 11

Well to answer your big question, you CANT. Women feel love based on the emotional support they get, men feel loved based on praise of their accomplishments. You both want to feel loved, but your going it at the wrong ways. She was seeking her family for comfort, while you are seeking adventure.

If you managed to stay together that long there had to be more to the marriage than just work, and goals. Perhaps, you just need to remember what that was. Why not try one of those Weekend to Remember get away trips. You will be getting away, and your wife can spend time with someone who cares for her. If you didn't care you wouldn't have it made it this long.

What your going through is perfectly natural, and it happens with a lot of couples, but depending no how mature you both are can depend how it will work out.

You also should think about long term. Do you really want to be 60, 70, 80 years old travelling by yourself? Wouldn't you want someone along side you to share your experiences? Wouldn't it be much better to go to bed knowing that someone thinks your the greatest person that ever walked this earth?

Answer 12

I hate to be a black cloud but i don't see sailing the Caribbean ALONE will be much fun either. I'm not sure i would call the sailing a long term goal anyway. Yeah it sounds awesome exciting you and she both are not going to LIVE till ya die out on the ocean i do hope you have other goals. YOU said she did that before with you. Of course you would hurt her she spent the best years of her life together with you.

Answer 13

Sounds like you used her to me no matter how long you two have been married just by the stuff you said thats how it sounds to me she's lucky to soon be rid of you in my opinion....no offense.  

Answer 14

She's probably hesitant because you guys are a bit young for picking up and going sailing around.  

You have 30-40 years left.  You're middle age, not retirement age.

Answer 15

Wow, sounds like you should actually take these concerns to her.  Seriously, everything you have typed here should be your prompt when talking to her.  You never know, she may try better to change her life, or she may actually be thinking the same thing; therefore, either way, you win.  

But you need to immediately open that channel of communication with her to let her know how you feel.  Perhaps some counseling sessions will help too.

Answer 16

Repeat everything you just wrote on here and tell her how you feel. She's not going to know unless you tell her. She might feel the same way. Just do what you feel is the right decision for yourself.

Answer 17

my parents had the same problem.

i say you should divorce because you both are clearly not getting the attention you deserve from each other. she obviously has no future and that will be hard considering your job (no offense). i think you need to find someone who is able to support herself, and can help with you.

the best way to break the news to her is to have a long chat about where your relationship is going. (yes it sounds cheesy and 'womanly' but sometimes, its the best way to break it to, she'll know you tried.)

at the most a few tears will be shed, but you know you did what you thought would be the best choice in your life.

Answer 18

There is no way to tell someone you want a divorce without hurting her. Tell her, though, that you are willing to go to a marriage counselor first. Perhaps it will be worth it if you can find things to connect about.

Answer 19

If you've definitely made up your mind, then tell her straight out.   There is no way it won't hurt and upset her.    If you're not sure, suggest you both gets some marriage counseling.   That will help straighten out your thinking.

It may be that you do need to divorce, but be VERY sure before you take the big step.    

Answer 20

let me get this straight, you've been married for 14 years, you're in your 50s, you have no dependent children, and you want to go through a messy divorce. You've used her for how many years for income and insurance and now that she isn't bringing in the $$ you now are suddenly worried about hurting her terribly by dumping her? You sound very self -centered sir.  It sounds like you already go your own ways. She was just gone for 6 weeks on her own. Go get your boat and go sailing for 6 weeks. If you have no feelings for her, fine. Not sure that is so out of the ordinary at 50. She probably doesn't have much for you either. But stop blaming her as if she has some character flaw about not having goals to justify your selfish decision.