I am thinking about severing contact with my Mother, anybody done this and have any advice?

Question

I have a strained relationship with my mother. I will sum it up quickly. She divorced my dad when I was 15, moved in a man who was on the s*x register who was 33, she was 55. He then decided to try everything in his power to destroy me. She knew but went into denial and told me it was my imagination as she needed a man. I told her daily for years what he was doing and she consistently reveled in the drama of seeing me upset. I met a my partner and moved out years later. My mother now wants a relationship with me on her terms. She does n ot want to know where I live, visit me or anything as her fella will not like it.She just wants to call me every few days and talk about herself, throwing in the occasional covered threat. She is now 69 and has nobody but the paedo, call it brainwashing or whatever. I get ripped apart frustrated that she expects me to be normal with her and I cant accept her behaviour towards me by putting me at risk and letting me be abused. She refuses to admit its true to this day. How can I get my closure and be a responsible adult? Do I cut her off and deal with the hurt of not knowing when he turns on her?

Answer 1

I am having to do some reading between the lines.

The first person you need to see before anything is your father. Is he still alive?  What does he advise? Clearly he had to sever contact with your mother and so has experience of this.

Next thing is what exactly did your stepfather do to you?  Yes he is a toy boy, and yes he is on the s*x register.  But if you are prejudiced against him for either of those reasons and not for what he has done to you, then I am not surprised he is hostile to you, and tried then to get you out of his life as soon as possible.  Your mother is piggy in the middle.  She clearly loves her current husband despite his age and his past, and will not give him up, and she also wants some relationship with you, knowing that you and her current husband should not be allowed anywhere near each other, for his sake as much as yours. It seems he needs to be protected from you more than the other way round!

I cannot really offer any more advice until you can answer this question...

Edit.  Thanks for the response.  I think I read the situation correctly in the rather nasty and incorrect way that you have judged me.  I hope for an apology.  Doubt I'll get it.  I imagine it's you who gave me the thumbs-down so you do not need to read my reply...

One thing you need to realise that whether you are 18, or 69, you are an adult with the power and the right to make your own decisions.  Your mother has made her bed with this man and has chosen to lie in it.  It is her decision, and hers to make, not yours.  She is not a child and you are not her mother.  Now if you choose to throw away your mother because of what you feel is her misguided sympathy for a convicted offender, that is your decision and your loss.  If you cannot make such a decision, then perhaps you have yet to become a responsible adult?

P.S. I cannot fathom how someone with such a lovely profile can turn out snapping like a crocodile with fleas when thrown in the sewer.

Answer 2

I have a father who has been in and out of my life for years. Very physically abusive to my mom when they were together and has been mentally abusing me all my life. He abuses xanaxs severely. He is sweet WHEN we actually talk, he talks about how he wants to see me and meet his grandson...then he wont call me for another 6 months. He has a very big chemical imbalance. I havent cut him out of my life but I make no extra effort to have anything to do with him. People like him and your mom are what I would call Sucubus. They just suck the life out of you. They will bring you down with them because misery loves company. If I was you I would say mom if you want something to do with me Then you will either have all of me or nun. You either going to have a relationship with me and tell your husband to back off or you can just leave me alone! Honestly how could be like this to you. You are her baby though you are grown up...doesnt she have motherly love in her?

Answer 3

You do what's best for you woman.Your mother had her time, had her day.  She made her choices, chose her conduct and for every  deed or misdeed there is a consequence.  Her retribution can come during her life or in the hereafter, nevertheless it will come.  At her age know she will not change.  You seem worried that her beau turn on her.  Know that each is repaid according to their deeds.  Perhaps THAT is your closure that she be made miserable at the hands of the same who made you suffer.  You are not obliged to have a relationship with a person, whoever they are who, in my book, neglected, disrespected and was in a way an accomplice to your suffering.  What good is there in it for you to rekindle relations?  Now she is old and lonely, most likely bitter.  I await too to see retribution paid to the one who just wished upon, not actually did, upon another a great evil. You know the ol' what comes around goes around.  Believe it. Hold your grudge but don't let it eat you.  If you do have relations with your mother, you will constantly be reminded.  It's alright hold that grudge as lightly as you can knowing that one day retribution will be made by someone's hands.  I hope you are a woman of faith and know that the Lord does not allow an atom's weight of a person's deed go unaccounted for.  It is written:

  "And whosoever shall have wrought an atom's weight of good shall behold it,. And whosoever shall have wrought an atom's weight of evil shall behold it. " Surah 6 Verse 149

There's a proverb that says if a cold wind is bothering you slam the door shut and rest.  This you should do.  Slam down that phone and leave well alone.  I'm disgusted by your mother really to have allowed what happened to you.  It exemplifies her selfishness, ignorance, self-centeredness, immaturity, even wickedness toward you.  Sorry to be so harsh but a child is a trust given to a parent.  You were entrusted to her by God and she failed and betrayed that trust.  Close the door woman.  Take a deep breath, have patience and depend on God.  The closure you will get from this is that you are no longer subject to her rulings about how you feel.  Seems she still wants to impose that on you.  Like I said she cannot be changed nor will she. I know how you feel though I have not experienced the devastation you have, nevertheless, you've suffered enough in your dealings with this woman.  No need to prolong your dealings.  One last note regarding wicked your closure.  It is said there's no need to push a wicked one, they fall all by themselves.  Leave well alone and tell her to do the same.

Beware of he whose goodness you can't ask for and whose evil you can't be protected from.

If you are to hit then make it painful, because you'll get one (the same) blame eitherways.

O! my sister close thy door, and enough what happened to you.  

Best of Luck.

Answer 4

Only you can answer this.  I think you have more than ample reason to leave her.  I think you  have undergone sexual abuse and depending upon how long ago this was you could prefer charges again the man and your mother for allowing this to go on.

back your current question.. considering how she has treated you I am surprised you are still in contact with her.  I think a part of you still clings to her as the only mother you have ever known but you can not have it both ways.  In your own best interest...get rid of her... as a mother it was her obligation to protect you and she did not do so.

Psychologists say that an abused person tends to cling tightly to the abuser just as a drug addict clings to his drugs even though he knows they are hurting him and will continue to do so.  why do you need to know when he turns on her?  How will it hurt you.  Get rid of her and get on with your life.

Answer 5

Difficult situation.

Here's my take.  Relationships with parents are basic to our lives but sometimes can be toxic, destructive.  Obviously, you can choose whether to maintain a relationship or not.

First, I would say the relationship, if you choose to continue it, should definitely be on YOUR terms, not hers.  Example: "Phones calls that often are too much.  I can't handle them. Let's make them twice a month."  Or whatever you wish.

Second, it would be good for your to do your part as a daughter--that is, after you decide exactly what that should entail.  You decide what you can handle, how much and how often, like "no more veiled threats; I won't tolerate them.  That means, you keep it up, no more contact!" Your mother is dealing with guilt, and guilt is hard to deal with, an emotional pain that stays with a person.  Does she deserve it? Of course.  But you can choose how to deal with the situation.  You can even forgive, but that doesn't necessarily mean forget or begin to trust her.  That would not be wise, I don't think.

The problem is the emotional past, all those memories and feelings, disappointments and betrayals--the ruin your mood each time you talk to her.  So learning how to handle such things is vital (1) to dealing with your mother; and (2) it is excellent learning for your future to apply to other similar  situations.

The reason it would be good to do this is that (1) it's the right thing to do; and (2) looking at it purely from your perspective, you want to be at peace about what you did, after she passes on.

Beyond this, you will  have to decide what to do.

Hope these thoughts help.

Answer 6

You need to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being.  That is the most important.  And don't feel guilty about it.  It is what it is.  As they say, "You can pick your nose; you can pick your seat; but you can't pick your relatives."  If you don't take care of yourself no one else will.  I wish you the very best.  I did the same with my Dad and I never regretted it for a minute.  Good luck.

I just read the answers.  I can only say one thing, "Walk a mile in my shoes before you pass judgement on me."  Been there, done that.

Answer 7

Do what is comfortable for you, knowing what you have to work with.  That's all anyone can do in these situations.  People are flawed - very  much so.

Have you seen "Running With Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs?  If not, I recommend it.  "Magnolia"  too.  The one with Tom Cruise and many others.  I related to the character played by Melinda Dillon.

Good Luck

Answer 8

you can't control anyone but yourself.  But you can control the conditions you will have a relationship with someone.  If they don't want it they way you do cut ties with them.  You have got to put yourself first.  I have cut ties with my family and haven't spoke to my oldest sister in 17 years.  When my mother died in the mid 1990's they could not find me and had to hire PI to find me.  I have no regrets and should have done it long before.

Be strong and do what is best for you,  For the family you make.

Good Luck,

Lucy  

Answer 9

The only person that can answer this question for you is you.  But I will say this:  It appears that you do care for your mother, but it also seems that you want to teach her a lesson for picking a man, especially one such as him, over you.  She made her choice without thinking of or caring about the consequences.  It is not my belief that any child should cut their parents loose, however, if the relationship is toxic to your health and well-being, then maybe you should step back and re-examine the relationship.  Once you are able to understand your relationship and get out of it only what you need, then maybe you can step back in.  Let the past be the past and look toward the future.  Hopefully, the two of you can meet somewhere in the middle and have a decent relationship.  You only have one mother and when she's gone....she's gone; so try and enjoy the time together while you have it....if only a little bit at a time.  Again, though, if she doesn't meet you halfway and it affects your health and mental stability, then you must do what you have to do in order for you to live a happier and healthier life.  Best regards.

Well, I just read your addtional comments and it's hard for my understand how and why your mother would get involved, let alone stay with a man like that.  If he was a good man that would make her happy in her golden years, I could understand that.  But for her to let a man like that come between her and you is a mystery to me.  As much as I would prefer to have you and your mother's relationship work, it appears that she has made her choice and it is probably best that you cut her loose.  Just know what that means in the long-run.  You'll have to be ready to deal with your decision when the time comes that she is no longer on this earth.  So, before you sever your times, make sure you say all you need to say as to your reasons.  If you can't have a decent conversation with her to tell her how you feel, put it in a letter.  Bottom line, do what you feel is best for you without you having to regret it later.