I am tired of common law - I want marriage!!!!?

Question

We've been together for 8 yrs and I want marriage. He expects me to be like a wife but I do not get the title. I have invested a lot of time and feel that I deserve to be his wife. He was in a miserable marriage for 15 years. Do I give him an ultimatum because we are both missing out on benefits for each other, or do I stick it out. Also, it would kill me to pave the way for another woman so he could marry her.

Also he makes excuses as to why we should like that it is a piece of paper.... I love him but I don't want to go on wasting my time even though we have a good relationship and that my kids love him.

Answer 1

What would it take in this relationship for you to know with out a shout of a doubt you are wasting your time? My advice would be to write down what you're willing to accept, what you are willing to live with and what the deal breakers. Once you have identified those, then honor them. What do you feel you deserve in this relationship? If marriage is what you feel you deserve, why are you settling? I wonder what else in your life and this relationship you are settling for. Let's say after the 2nd year of being involved with him...you were told in your 8th year you wouldn't be married to the man you loved...would you still stay? I feel you would have left b/c you don't seem to be the type of person who like to waste your time or invest your time unless it worth it? So, these last 8 years has it been worth it? I believe they have been, so the only person who is in control of you and your family...is you. I imagine he respects you, but not enough to marry you for his own selfish reasons.

OK..the last marriage was miserable, but that wasn't b/c of you...so why does he consequence you?  This is convenient for him (who allows his conveniences?) and he probably has fears and brokenness from his last marriage that he hasn't begun to deal with. If he doesn't decide to take a risk on who else better than you, then you will make choice to live with or leave your current situation.  

How long did he know his first wife before he married her? What are some of the things that made it so miserable? Are those things present in this current relationship? What are his fears of getting married again? Think about this, his reason for not remarring is "He was miserable for 15 years" Ask him has he been miserable for the last 8 years? If his answer is no, then ask him to tell you again why he isn't choosing to marry you. At anytime, you feel he is minimizing his answers, avoiding or becoming defensive..I think you will have your answer. I hoped I've helped, I've enjoyed responding...OleCoop

Answer 2

That is something your heart is going to have to tell you.  Personally, I would think that by now after 8 years, he should know that you are nothing like his ex and should be more than willing to marry you.

Answer 3

I hate it when people say "It is just a piece of paper" money is "just a piece of paper" as well,  but it is an important part of our society.

Tell him to "shlt or get off the pot" or just leave him  because you obviously want different things.

Answer 4

Are you guys Christians by any chance?  Some believe that marriage really has little to do with the government - but rather it's a commitment between a man and a woman, with the vows taken in front of witnesses who can hold them to it.  Would you be content with that?  I had that for about 4 years before I got legally married, and it was just as binding. Mainly because we feared God though, and didn't want to "divorce" after asking Him to marry us the way we did, lol.  Might not work for non-Christians or non religious people.  But in a way he's right.  A marriage license and all that isn't needed if you two love each other, and have made a commitment.  If you desire security, that may work.

Answer 5

8 years together, and now you want marriage??  come on.  life is what you make it.  you made your bed.  either put up with the situation you helped to create, or break up with him.  bye

Answer 6

I don't think giving him an ultimatum of marriage or I will leave is going to work. Are you really going to be happier with out him or is his love for you enough to get you through each day. I don't know how leaving the man you love because he doesn't want to get married is going make things better.  Marriage does not equal commitment to all and having been divorced he knows that, so he is totally willing to commit to you but he doesn't want to get married because he knows marriage can end.  

Answer 7

Marriage is a 10 on your scale of imporance.

NOT getting married is a 10 on his.

You have issues. You have to communicate and find out why the "piece of paper" is so difficult for him. You need to understand why it is so important to you.

I wouldn't move in with someone if he never intended on marrying me. You should just leave. I would not have children with someone if I wasn't married. Who cares if you pave the way for another woman to marry him. He obviously doesn't care enough about you to marry you so why stay?

Answer 8

If its just a piece of paper that doesn't matter then it shouldn't matter to go get that piece of paper- if it is going to make YOU happy- right?!

Answer 9

Move on ... That is ridiculous. You don't have to invest time like it's for a job to be promoted.

Answer 10

Give him an ultimatum, but...be careful what you wish for.

Answer 11

Are you actually talking about common law marriage, which is really a marriage, or living together?  In states that recognize it, it is as binding as the kind involving the big wedding.  According to a family lawyer we spoke to, it doesn't take 7 years to establish common  law marriage; it takes just one day!  You move in together and present yourselves as husband and wife.  You may or may not take each other's names, but you do business as a married couple - file jointly, etc.

Answer 12

You need to let him know how you are feeling. Let him know that you want to take the next step and move toward marriage. And if you feel that you are wasting your time with him then you need to do what is right for you and move on with you life. Because you need do to what is right for you as well as your children.