I am very disappointed with my g/f's parenting skills, should i leave her?

Question

i have been seeing this lady for about 10 months, she is sweet, honest and trustworthy. i care for her alot, however, she has a 9 year old son (who lives with dad 300 miles away). she sees him during the year and has him during summer break from school. this little boy controls 99% of her life, he whines, cries, has tantrums. almost daily, there is a young cousin getting mad at him everyday for his controlling attitude. he gets his way everytime. if she says no, he continues to ask for something until she says yes, which is everytime. she buys him expensive toys at his request everytime also. i have tried to tell her he has to learn to deal with NO and she needs to start a discipline plan NOW. she says she cant because she may lose him........i feel like giving up on her because of her lack of ability to fix this problem. am i being unreasonable, or is she the one that is right?

Answer 1

She rly needs to learn how to say no to her son, but you shouldn't leave her and try to fix the promblem with her.

Answer 2

Get use to it or find a new girlfriend!

Answer 3

Sorry but it's not your place to say anything. For starters, the boy lives with his father, not her. So most likely the main problem is dad. She probably gives in to him, because she feels guilty about him not living with her.

Answer 4

stop whining

Answer 5

mind ur businesss this is none of ur concern. I hate when everyone wants to raise someone elses kids the child has 2 parents you are not 1

Answer 6

You are beening unreasonable, he is only with her a small percentage of the time.  Learn to deal with it.

Answer 7

I hate to say it but it isn't you place to try to impose your parenting beliefs on her. If you really have an issue with her and her son you need to just confront her about it and/or leave her. Obviously it is building resentment. If you continue to try to tell her how to raise her own child she will begin to resent you as well.

Answer 8

I completely empathize with your situation. I have some lovely friends who allow their young son to completely rule the roost. He gets his way, he dictates what happens and who must do what...even guests. I used to firmly point out to the child that it is not for him to tell me what to do but there is a limit to his understanding and a limit to what i am allowed to say, since I am not his parent. You obviously feel passionately about the situation so I would persevere in trying to make your lady friend see sense. Unfortunately, so many parents have become habitual cowards, taking the easy way out and not seeing the long-term damage they are storing up for their children when they hit the real world. And it must be particularly hard for her as a single parent. Perhaps you could take on more of a father's role, if this is mutually agreeable. Persevere, for all your sakes, if you have the stamina. Good Luck!

Answer 9

As a parent, she should want her child to be the best he can be...and giving him his way will only spoil him and mess up his view of things later in life.  For instance, he probably will want everything to be handed to him...he may not want to work, because he's so used to getting everything he wants.  Also, my little cousin was like that...and when she started school, her first year she was suspended 3 times.  Children need to be disciplined, because they will act out not only at home, but at school and other places as well!  As far as you telling her something...well, that depends on your relationship with her.  You should know if you two are comfortable enough.  Also, I'm unsure of how serious you are with her, but if you two ever have a child together, this may affect the way you raise that child.  Something to think about...anyway, good luck!

Answer 10

You are right, but you need to get a lil more understanding on why she is doing it this way.  

It really isnt that she is being lazy.

I imagine she has some very deep seated feelings of guilt about not being there for him full time, for whatever reason that may be.

In her mind, she is showing him that she loves him, and telling him no would make him think she didnt.  

He is taking complete advantage of her, and probably more than she realizes.  He probably knows she has that guilt, and uses it against her (ever hear things like, you dont love me anymore in a trantrum, or things like, if you loved me you would).  She thinks he really wouldnt love her.

What you do is ultimatly your decision.  However, be aware that this behavior is not likely to change.  And if you try to change it, you are going to cause a lot of problems, being looked at as the evil step parent.  You will probably be undermined anytime you try to parent.

Answer 11

I do not agree with everyone else.  

The behavior you describe is UNACCEPTABLE in anyone's child.  It doesn't matter if Dad lets him get away with this c**p, when he is with Mom she should be concerned about helping her child grow up to be a decent, honest and hardworking citizen, that is our job.  This man cares for her and wants to try and help her (right?) with her son because that is what responsible people who care for each other do.

Approach her in a non argumentative way and tell her that you care for her and her son and want to see him grow up to be strong and decent like his Mom, then offer your help as a human being who cares about other human beings.

Answer 12

the question is how much will you tolorate?  That is their world that they share...do you want to be a part of it?  If not, get out now before you settle down with this person and her son is coming or staying with you both.

Answer 13

it IS your place to say something - this kid is having an impact on your life too.

You should point out to her that if she does not change her ways fast she will have a delinquent yob on her hands very soon - one who will be bigger than her and who will not just be having tantrums but will be pushing her around, threatening her, stealing money etc. and so she will have lost him anyway.

She needs to coordinate with the father on how to tackle the situation and your role would be to support her.

Be honest, tell her the kid is a nightmare and you would consider leaving if things don't improve. She needs to start acting like a parent - her kid will respect her if she does, only trouble will follow if she doesn't.

Answer 14

as long as it is not your son and you do not intend to have kids together it does not matter what you think of her parenting skills but if you cant handle it then you have to break up w her bc she obviosly does not care what you think about how she raises HER son

Answer 15

if he lives with dad most of year id say the discipline needs to start there and be carried over by her

Answer 16

tell her she's going to lose him in the long run is she keeps giving in. she needs to be a parent. thats what kids need. if she can't handle that.. and you don't want your possible children being raised like that.. you should really talk to her about it. have a serious talk about it. if you truly can't handle it then break up with her..

Answer 17

I have to comment !!!!!  I DO NOT AGREE what so ever with MONKEY.......I dont care how many step kids you have. DO they act like that?? If they do, god help you and your husband. There are issues that need to be addressed.He KNOWS that crying and whining and the tantrums gets him his way..is this acceptable behavior for a child..absolutly not. She is not doing him any favors by giving into him or for that matter anyone who is going to have to be around him, he will try the same thing with them. He needs to learn the word NO. How is she going to lose him? By being a parent that has enough pride in her child by raising him to be a person that will not except everything handed to him on a silver plate?

Answer 18

For whatever reasons she does not have the child most of the time.  This typically leads the parent to feel like they must give the child everything they want when they visit.  That is because they are trying to show the child that they love them.  The problem is that child don't see it this way.  (All this you know)

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is a push over but it is done with good intentions not bad.  This is a case where she will have to realize that this behavior from the child is not acceptable and put a stop to it.  I would like of it like this though.  This child does this behavior even for the father.  A child does not just pick a parent to treat like this.  This child has some issues that need to be addressed.  

Plainly, you can do two things.  Help her and support her the best way that you can, or leave.  Right now she needs all of the support that you can give.  But hey what do I know?

Answer 19

RUN-----I am married to a man that has 2 children that have similar behaviors, if she is not listening to your concerns now it surely won't happen after marriage. The child's behavior will put a huge strain on the relationship and her unwilliness to change the situation lets you know that she is content with it, people who are content will not change. Those weekend visitations & summers will be a nightmare, You will get tired and overwhelmed, and eventually begin to resent her and the child for the issues he is causing. I am just being honest! It doesn't mean you don't love the child, just dislike the behaviors.

Step Parenting is hard enough and only becomes impossible when both parents are not on the same page. The child hasn't been taught boundries or excepting the word no, if its not taught now by BOTH of you and his father your fighting a losing battle and spinning your wheels!

There has to be a united front when it comes to parenting anychild.

Answer 20

I think you are being reasonable. It is probably not a good idea to get involved with a girl that already has a son, especially if she doesn't parent maturely. It is really hard to have to deal with someone who has a lot of extra baggage. If things are going nowhere and you aren't even married to her, you have the right to leave. Find someone that you can share your life with and have a child between the two of you.