I am very worried my 4 year old daughter may be a victim of child molestation from my 9 year old nephew.?

Question

He has always been very lovey and clingy to her but recently some of her behavior has my guard up. 2 weeks ago, she spent two days with her grandparents and he was around her a lot. Normally she is bad for a few days after returning from grandma’s house but snaps out of it a few days later, it has been 2 weeks and she hasn’t snapped back to herself. Here is a list of things that has me nervous…

He is always hugging, kissing and touching her and he doesn’t act this way towards other female cousins the same age.

He makes her love notes and pictures that say he loves her.

A few weeks back he asked her if he was her favorite cousin and she said no I love everyone the same and he got very upset with her.

He never leaves her alone or lets her do anything by herself, like I will ask her to color a picture and he will take the crayons and paper form her and do it for her and then claim it as her work.

Today in the car, she said he kisses her and she does not like it out of the clear blue.

She has been playing dumb since she returned from grandmas and forgetting things like how to count, that she has known for years.

She has been very clingy and needy, when normally she is a very independent child.

She wants her bedroom door left open at bedtime, and she asked me to sleep with her tonight.

She has had a nightmare, which isn’t out of the ordinary but now that I think back I am not sure if her other nightmares have occurred shortly after spending time with him.

I don’t know if these changes are because she is going to be starting school in a few weeks and we are expecting a new baby on Sept 2 as well as I have recently become a stay at home mom and her father started working two jobs or if it could signify something more serious. I just know that people other than me have asked about her behavioral changes.

I am unsure of how best to pursue further steps. I definitely think that my husband and I will be sitting down and asking her about the kissing thing but I don’t know what questions to necessarily ask and how to ask them without prompting a response.

Answer 1

that's very awkward... not many 9 yr. old boys tend to act that way. maybe you should get her checked out. you should talk to  your 9 yr. old nephew about this and his parents.

Answer 2

I am sorry for that..i think u have to keep her away from ur nephew because this will have a negative effect on her life may be her behaviour changes because of lots of factors she is jealous from the coming baby so she needs more attension from ur side also what happened with ur nephew and grandmoms always give childeren more space and freedom that could spoil them not like their mom and dad ....this may be all the reasons..so when you talk to her u tell her did ...(ur nephew name) bother you? do anyone bother u in grangma's house....are u happy there..why...do u like him or not ...some questions like that..but she will be fine just keep her with u give her more attension i know u are having hard time with pregnancy ....but she needs u also don't leave her with him alone...good luck...

Answer 3

I would see red flags in this also.

I'm interested to see what others will say.

Answer 4

Ask her what has happened in "non-serious" ways, using baby terms that she is familiar with, and make it seem like no big deal. No child will tell any adult anything if they're serious or it looks like they'll get into trouble.

Try the same with the 9 year old cousin, question his parents (your brother/sister/in-law I presume?) and express your concern.

If they don't reveal anything, isolate one from the other, and observe the reaction.

Answer 5

This is a tough one.  But instead of you asking her about it, take her to a child psychologist.  She will talk more freely to her and the psychologist will know how to ask the questions.

Blessing

Answer 6

All your information frightens me. It seems so obvious that I cannot understand how you have gone on like this for so long. It reads like something straight out of a social worker's handbook.

Answer 7

Just being honest here, I'm not sure if mom and dad are the best ones to ask her what's going on because (being a mom myself) I'm not sure if what I ask or the way I ask it will be the right thing or the thing that just makes her more afraid of her cousin. You may need a pediatric specialist here. Without any obvious signs of abuse (such as bruising of her private areas or bloody show) there is a chance that he just clings to her to much and it is annoying the heck out of her. You are right on, Mom, that kids can change because of a new baby, a new school, or a new schedule change and it sounds like you are going threw several things that could cause untypical behaviors from her. You are doing a great job trusting your gut and getting to the heart of what's going on here, despite how hard this situation may be.

Making this kind of a charge on your nephew without further proof could be very damaging to your relationship with her grandparents or sibling/sib-in-law however do not ignore your gut feeling. I give you tons of credit for listening to your daughters signals and hearing what she has been saying as well as be an advocate for her in a situation in which she may feel like she has no control over and doesn't know how to tell you what's happening. I would suggest getting an appointment with your pediatrician right away to express your concerns and have them refer you to a child psychologist (unless you have some one already picked out) that specializes in recognizing if these symptoms could be from what you are fearing. They also do testing in the hospital to look for any physical signs of abuse but I would suggest seeing a specialty therapist before you go threw that part of it. I would also do this before your child sees her nephew again or before you express your concerns to your loved ones (if the time comes to talk to your folks about this, seeing it in writing signed by a doctor may make it a little more "real"). I am so sorry you are going threw this.

Answer 8

This is actually common my neice was touched by her cousin who was 8 she is 3 Her mother and father was going thru sum things and they moved in with te mothers sister and my niece came and stayed over my sisters house and she told us that her cousin touched her in her privates even though he does not live with u guys when he comes over do not let her out of your sight. limit his visitation.Confront the prents about it to.

Answer 9

As a child I was molested by an adult relative and was about her age.  The one thing I remember is that I wasn't quite sure if what was going on was bad or not.  I trusted him, yet felt uneasy.  I tried to tell my parents but they shrugged it off and didn't let me finish.  When speaking with your daughter please listen carefully.  Don't put words in her mouth or cut her off.  Sometimes children at this age will make up things but usually are too innocent to make up these things without the thought first being put in there heads.    Make sure she knows that she needs to tell you everything and that she can trust you.  

I am noticing a lot of advise telling you to ask if he touched her in a specific place.   I thing instead you should explain that no one should touch her and explain the private places, explain that the person doing the touching is the one that is doing wrong and that she needs to tell you if anyone has or does touch her in those places so that you can make sure they don't hurt her.  You want to protect your daughter but you want to be sure you don't make incorrect accusations about someone else's child too. The only sure way to know is by her telling you without you putting this idea with this other childs name together.  I would also make an appointment with her pediatrician.  This could just be her reaction to the new baby coming, I hope so.

I will pray for you and your daughter.

Answer 10

I think it is time for a professional! If you and your husband sit and talk to her she may become afriad or put off. Have her talk to a therapist! They would be better able to distinguish what is going on. Look at it this way, if these changes are because of the changes at home, she probably will not be entirely aware of this and probably not apt to talk about it with you. If its what you suspect that is wrong, that can be another issue which she may be uncomfortable with. You know that you are there to protect her and that she did nothing wrong, but for her she would probably have some measure of victim's guilt which is quite common in molestation cases. I speak from experience. So your options? Find a professional third party.

Answer 11

I wouldn't let them be around each other anymore.

Answer 12

u should just try 2 keep him away from her. and probly ask where he's been touching her. i'm sure she will tell u

Answer 13

I would be concerned for her, and him also.  It sounds as though he may have been abused.  Ask her where he touches her, or what do they to when they are together.  I work with 3 and 4 year olds and found this to be a good answer.  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_ask...

Answer 14

I mean I'm no expert in this, but I'd say if she can talk and understand, then you should probably ask her if anything happened and tell her it's okay to tell mommy and daddy, otherwise you're worrying for no reason.

Edit: Even if you don't want to start a family feud, I'd still talk to her about it and see what she says.

Answer 15

you should just ask her. tell her you've noticed that something is bothering her and remind her that she can tell Mommy anything.  use a whisper voice if that makes her feel better.  just keep telling her that she won't get introuble no matter what she says and she may open up.  sometimes kids are afraid to tell because they've already been convinced that they'll be introuble (or get other people in trouble) if they tell.  at four years old, i think she'll eventually let you in on what's going on.

Answer 16

Ask her has he ever touched her (whatever she calls her privates) or did he maybe wipe you when you went to the potty?

Where does he kiss you?

Was Grandma there when he kissed you?

Were you by yourselves when it happened?

Answer 17

Actually I don't think these things are definite proof of abuse and it is very very likely her clingyness and behaviour is due to the new baby coming, feeling insecure, and that the nephew is just an added nusience to her. At 9 I wouldn't expect him to be - you know - like THAT. What is HIS family like?

The behaviour after being at the grandparents could be down to over-spoiling (my mum always said me and my sis were a nightmare after staying at our GP's) and are they the sort to talk about the new baby alot? They usually say untactful things like 'awww, mummy going to be busy soon with your little brother/sister'

HOWever...of course you can't let it lie if in ANY doubt to your childs wellfare. Talking is probably the only way you'll know anything, but you'll have to be careful about not putting words in her mouth or she might say what she thinks you want to hear. And keep her away from the nephew for a while, even if for no other reason than to give your daughter space and him time to get over his infatuation if thats what it is.

Answer 18

this might be a little over the top but install a camera or two and then have it synced to your cell phone or something.i would recommend the living room and her room...

ask your nephew to go over for some pizza to your house or something and then say you have to go out and you might be gone for some time, maybe an hour and then within 35 minutes go back...check out the videos...

he'll expect you to be gone longer than 35 minutes but make sure they are left alone, if you don't mind taking that risk..then if something "loving" does happen, confront his guardian..

good luck!

Answer 19

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!!!! I don't call them no-no spots, I call them private parts. Private parts are private. Only your mommy and doctor touch your private parts if you are sick or need help cleaning.

That 9 year old may have been molested. You better try to see why he is acting out this way too. There may be another person you need to be careful about.

Also, EMPOWER HER! tell her that she can say no to her cousin touching her, kissing her, etc. and she does not have to kiss her cousin and he is not allowed to hug and kiss her any more unless she wants him to. Put the power back in her! If She doesn't like it, she is allowed to say no, and mommy and daddy will support her decision. Make sure she knows that is true about anyone. He can just blow her kisses. You don't have to tell anyone about this in your family. It might make things hard on her if they start asking her questions. Just make her feel safe and stand up for her rights to say no. Even if nothing happened, you are still teaching her the right thing. You can make it general and say she can say no to anyone that she doesn't want to be kissed or touched by.

She needs to feel safe again. Based on her change in behavior, I would guess something happened, but he is still pretty young, so it is good that at least it wasn't an adult messing with her. PROTECT HER and EMPOWER HER! Good luck.

Answer 20

i learned a lot about child molestation i think the is kinda weird have a cousin kissing her i would totally have a talk with your daughter just start it with like "sweetie could we have a talk with you me and dad? you have to keep her comfortable so she doesn't get nervous try to keep the cousins apart for example don't let your daughter go over your moms house unless he's not there. hope this helps and if nothing works just tell your nephew's mother about what you think and keep them apart

Answer 21

wow this is really interesting

Answer 22

Sitting down with her and discussing the matter is definitely the best thing to do as a first line of action.  These things that you're describing sound like they should raise concern, and you're being a good mother by recognizing them and being a little worried.  When you sit her down to ask her about the kissing situation, just branch out from there, i.e. "Has he ever done anything else that has made you feel upset or confused?" You'll be able to tell from her responses what to ask next, and whether or not to pursue the matter further.

Also, keep a close eye on your nephew when he is around her, and if anything else seems strange bring it up with someone else in the family (discreetly) and ask them to observe the situation as well.  If they see a similar pattern of problems, you'll at least have someone else to help you decide what to do about the situation.

Hope that helps, and I pray that your child isn't going through what you suspect.

Answer 23

i would take him and her to a thererpist

Answer 24

As a victim of sexual abuse by an uncle of mine, I remember feeling the exact way you do...when you say you dont want to make waves with the family.  Because of that exact reason, I failed to tell anyone about my abuse for years, and now that it is all out in the open, and so many years have passed, It has caused a greater strain.  We dont even speak with anyone on that side of the family anymore.  Remember, it is your daughter your talking about here...and its her best interest that needs to be looked into.

Something is going on.  She told you something was going on that she wasnt comfortable with, you NEED to take action.  If not, she will remember that you didnt protect her when she called out for help.  Even if it is "just" kissing, your daughter isnt comfortable with it and wants you to help - otherwise she wouldnt have said anything to you about it.  

The "experts" will tell you that it can not be classified as anymore than exploration at their ages, from past research I remember the children need to be 6yrs apart, or until the oldest reaches a certain age (13?)  for it to be considered abusive.  Too me, thats foolish.  When a child is big enough, intimidating enough to pressure someone into something they arent OK with, its abusive.  Period.  But sexual abuse is rampant, and too often unrecognized.  And its affects are devastating.  

Kids will play, and explore, of course.  We all have at some point.  But the "games" I remember playing with my friends were never intimidating or made me feel scared.  Your daughter sounds scared of him.  If you ignore this feeling she is having, she may learn to "just accept" feeling uncomfortable - forever, because everyone else wants her to feel comfortable.  Thats an issue I still struggle with and you do not want your little girl to ever feel like she "is supposed" make everyone else happy, evading her own needs/wants.    

Ask her open ended questions, with a smile on your face like a typical conversation you would have with her might look like.  Try not to appear as though you are digging for anything.  I would start the conversation with...I heard what you said about not liking your cousin kissing you...acknowlegde what she told you already.  And then go on by saying something like...sometimes I dont want to be kissed either, and thats ok to feel that way.  Continue the conversation by bringing up maybe a time when your husband wanted to hug and tickle (lots of kids use tickling) you and you didnt want him to, recognizing that just because you love someone doesnt mean that you have to do what they want you to.  Ask her if anyone ever hugged or tickled her when she didnt want him to...and ask who.   Ask her how he tickled her....where.   Ask her is she worries about anything...and what.   Ask her what games they played at grandmas.   Ask her if she is afraid of her cousin...what scares her.  As much as possible try to give her examples of a time when you felt that way or experienced that - let her know its ok to feel that way.   Be aware that she may not want to talk about it...which again is ok...this discussion will need to happen when she is comfortable.      

There are a ton of resources online...which I have tried to dig up for you to read.  I had just done a project on this and was looking for a specific file (an actual questionairre used by child abuse investigators) Here is a good one.  

http://www.enotalone.com/article/9944.ht...

Answer 25

These are not signs of sexual abuse.  If she was acting out sexually then we would have a problem.  It sounds to me like he cousin likes he and she is adjusting to the new baby coming and nervous about starting school.  If she had been sexually abused most likely you would notice sexualed behavior from her.  Kissing is a sign of infection and not necessary a sexualized behavior.

If you are worried I would definately make sure they are supervised and mention it to her pediatrician.  Who will then call CPS to come in an do an investigation to make sure everyone is safe.

Answer 26

Try asking her. I'm sure she's more then capable of answering.

Try asking if he is touching her in her no-no spot or something like that.

If it it true and he is molesting her. Tell his parents right away and keep her away from him. Don't for ANY reason leave her with him. If you leave her over at her grandparents house and he is around make sure to explain to them that she is to be under no circumstance to be left alone with him and if they laugh it off DO NOT leave her there. This is the only advice I can give.

Answer 27

Yes it sounds probable that she is being abused.  Talk to her very gently over the course of the day, in normal conversation so she stays relaxed.  She can tell you anything, If someone is touching you... all that stuff.  Ask her if she likes being alone various people including the nephew.  She has already told you one very pointed comment.  Maybe ask if his kissing is different or (sorry) where he kisses.

Tell the boy that he needs to stop kissing her, she does not like it and he needs to respect that, Until this is resolved DO NOT let that boy be alone with her and preferably not near her.  It will be very hard but you have to talk to your parents or who ever is in charge and ask seriously about their interactions, if they blow you off them tell them how this could hurt her and him down the line...  If they get angry with you do not back down...this is your baby.  (Especially with another on the way you cannot let this fall to the wayside.

Also children who do this to other children are often victims of abuse themselves.  He could be on both ends of this.   I hate to say this but in so many families "no one ever knew."  Look a his life too.  For his sake.  It also maybe he is doing something he sees someone else doing.

Seriously consider some counseling or evaluation (though that will also bring social services in it may help).

Good luck and much strength