I am writing a book here is the first few paragraphs please tell me what you think.?

Question

I was driving 60 miles per hour on a completly deserted highway somewhere deep in louisiana. I had to grip the wheel tightly to keep myself from turning around and going back to my home in L.A. I took a deep breath and relaxed in my seat for the long drive ahead of me.

I muttered silently to myself about hating the police and my mother for dragging me back to that h**l-hole she calls home.

I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a glass of white zinfandele when the phone rings. I reluctanatly answer and hear my mothers hoarse voice over the phone. She was frantic and it took several minutes for me to calm her down enough to understand what she was trying to tell me.

All i could make out was "Me and your Pa are getting a divorce" and "You need to come home now." Being an only child I had to be there for my mother and father. An hour later I was out the door heading back to Mississipi, I promised myself I wouldn't, and guess where I am now.

I remembered the last time i saw them, it was graduation night and i couldn't wait to get as far away from Mississippi as possible, I wasn't too fond of the south. I was ready to start a new life in L.A and leave my southern life behind. The first day I got to L.A I had my name changed from Daisy to Paris. It was difficult at first, I was an aspiring shoe designer and scrapping by for the

first couple years using the money from graduation and 8 years of allowance and babysitting money, which wouldn't last long. I had to get a job. I was working at mcdonalds and hated it, but I needed the money. When my best frind Nicole sent a top shoe design line my work, I was hired. It's all been smooth sailing from there. Money has been flowing well and I have a beautiful home in the heart of L.A. My parents were an invisible entity with only a few phone calls and a card or two on birthdays and christmas, I didn't mind, in my childhood years my relationship with both of my parents was very strained. I wanted to get the heck out of the south and they had their roots planted deep, they wern't going anywhere. I spent most of my teen years dreaming about graduation night, being lectured by my mother trying to convince me to stay, and babysitting, my only chance at thriving. The minute I hit the highway I was free, I lost my accent, took a class on fashion design and tried to forget my past.

The gas gauge complained again, like it has for the past six miles I have been looking for a blessed gas station. I'd been driving continuosly for about 27 hours now; i figured I looked like h**l, and I wouldn't mind a bathroom either. I pulled into a small gas station, and paused; it looked abadoned. I quickly remembered the last gas station I saw and hurried inside. A cold iced tea and a full tank later I pulled out onto the dirt road. It took me a second to realize my cell phone was ringing, I prayed to god it wasn't mom and answered it. "Where are You? Why are you going back there!" Thank god, it was Laura. laura is an amazing listener, I was expecting a call from her soon. I left a message on her phone at 8:00, and wondered why it took her so long to call me back, I told her everything about hating the south and never wanting to go back,Then all of a sudden i leave a message telling her I'm going to be staying there for a few months. She wasn't happy about this she thought i was going to be mentally scarred from suffering the ordeal, but I quickly interjected that my parents needed me and even though they aren't my favorite people in the world, I owed it to them, it had been six years. She mumbled somthing unintelligble, said goodbye,good luck and hung up.

Answer 1

i guess i liked it b/c i wouldn't have read the entire thing; i love the south though. One thing I think you should change is the name Daisy. makes me think of Daisy Duke. If you want to make it Southern, use two names instead of just one.

Answer 2

Great job(why isn't this in Books and Authors?). I think your idea has alot of potential. It sounds really good. I would like to read more. It would just flow better of you made a bit of changes.

1. I was sitting at the table when the phone rings.

you were in past tense and then you suddenly changed it to present. It should be like this:

I was sitting at the table when the phone rang.

or

I am sitting at the table when the phone rings.

Judging by the rest of you story, it should be the first one.

There are a few more here and there.

2. When you have the flashbacks, it should flow right in and the reader should know about the transition immediately.

Like in paragraph one, it should end like this after your last sentence: I coldly remembered the last time she called me back. A true nightmare.

Then you should skip one line and start the second paragraph. When I rad it, I was confused about how she magically got from the car to the seat at home.



3. "Me and your Pa are getting a divorce"

I don't know if you mean it as a hit to the mother's grammar or if you used it wrong. It should be:

Your pa and I are getting a divorce.

Remember that unless it is at the end of the sentence, it should always be _ and I and also pa has to  be lowercase because there is a your in front of it. That means that you aren't using Pa as a name, but you are using it to describe him.

I would write more, but my hand is tired from answering other questions...sorry

Answer 3

i think it is very interesting u are a very talented writer kinda like me i love reading and writing its a passion i am also writing a book i am on the 14th page its going good so far but i need to think harder i am in highschool and i aspire to be a writer

Answer 4

cocncept is interesting but u have got to decide a tense to write in for example you began with past tense so all of it should be in past like the second paragraph the line should have been 'when the phone rang' instead of 'when the phone rings' then again in the second paragraph it should be 'i reluctantly answered'.So just be careful abt the tense anyway.Good luck

Answer 5

pretty good

Answer 6

Judging from your writing style I'm assuming you're still in your teens. It needs a lot of work but very good for a young person.  Keep writing and I'm sure that someday we'll see your name on the bestseller lists.

Answer 7

it was interesting, but in the beginning, make the reader more passionate to read this book. I know you 're not finished, and it was good, i just wished it would have pulled me in a little more

Answer 8

That is very good, and your story idea is picking up. I like how you have already established the characters personalities and how her/his life was.

Now for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, please don't take this as bashing.

The story does kind of jump from one part to the other (From the highway scene, to the gas station, to the Mother ringing her up, to the friend calling, to the past childhood) so I would consider putting the paragraphs about her past together and the paragraphs about her driving together, because books tend to get confusing when the author switches from present to past tense continuously.

The scenes might also be established a little bit better, consider how she is feeling as to what she sees on the road, have her react to her environments a bit more...More dialouge might also help to really establish her parents relationship; like why are they getting divorced (or if it is explained later on, foreshadow the divorce.)

Other than a few reshapings, The story is coming out really good.