I am writing a poem for school, can you critique mine?

Question

I am suppose to write a sport-shaped poem for my tenth grade English class. I think mine is pretty lame, but it is the best I can do. And it isn't even finished, so can you HONESTLY critique mine? Please be honest.

I'm suppose to be using Alliterations, assonance, cliche, hyperbole, Idioms, metaphors, onomatopoeia, personification, ans similes. I'm being graded on how many there are and how well I incorporate them into the poem. Thanks in advance. The sport I chose was cross country.

Feet grounded, body steady, and mind ready

as it starts, silence silently strikes,

breaths being held, as feet lift and moves forward,

the bright sun smiles sadistically,

as the dog nearby yelps "Bark Bark"

the cool brisk wind that quickly passes through, felt like icy water to the skin,

as the first mile finishes, feet feel like burning heat,

breath felt heavy, almost as if I were climbing Mount Everest,

muscles began to ache, as teeth began to clench

finally passed the second mile, the end grows closer

to my dismay, a bee came up close,

with the irritating buzz growing louder,

the spectators grew louder, with the runners neck to neck,

the pressure winning felt like being chain down

and that is all I have so far, thanks again. Please be honest with your review.

Answer 1

That's actually not that bad for a tenth grader.  In my opinion, with all those restrictions, it forces the poem to become something it's not.  I think the teacher should let you write freely so that everyone's creativity would be challenged.  But back to the poem lol...It was great for a poem with so many restrictions.