I asked, doyou think YOU could give unbiased counceling to someone wanting information on adoption?

Question

Everyone has been impacted in some way by adoption. Do you think that your experience with adoption (no matter what it was) would keep you from giving unbiased adoption counceling?

I can't say that I could. Yet I find myself compelled to answer questions where someone is looking for adoption info.

How about you.

Answer 1

Pssshhh...unbiased counseling? Here? Yeah right! I have yet to see ONE unbiased person in the Adoption section!

Answer 2

I agree with the statement that we aren't in the role of counselors here (even though there are a few MSWs on the forum who are qualified as counselors in general).  So, if I re-read the question to be: could I give unbiassed advice?  

I'm not sure.  I've been a teenage parent.  I had pressure to adopt (and more pressure to abort) but in the end I had the support of my family and my son's father (we've been married for a long time now).  So, I do know what it's like to have that cold pit in yor stomach when you realize that your life has completely and irrevocably changed.  But as I said, I had the benefit of support and there are many young women out there that don't.  It's easier to parent when you have help, than if you've got parents threatening to kick you out of the home if you don't abort or adopt this child.  And I know that sick feeling in your gut when you realize there is no way in h**l that you'll be separated from this child.

But I've also experienced infertility later in life.  I know what it's like to break down and cry every month.  I know what it's like to see people treating pregnancy and children like a nusience instead of the gift that it is.  The absence of it in your own life lets you appreciate the value of an embryo.

I guess what I try to do is point people where to find information, whether that information is to place for adoption, to become adoptive parents, or to parent a child under less than ideal circumstances. Occasionally, I suggest professional intervention.   I make a concerted effort to not tell people what to do.  

I would have a hard time giving unbiassed advice when it comes to abortion, given my experiences.  So, I just don't say anything about it.

Answer: I try.  Don't know if I always succeed, but I try.

Answer 3

I'm not sure what your point is. Ultimately there is no such thing as unbiased. We all have our own stories and our own history and our own pasts that make us who we are -- and we all have biases that were created that way. No one can ultimately be objective about anything. The problem with anononymity is that it works both ways. Someone who doesn't know you at all and who you don't know may seem to be able to offer an unbiased opinion. But, (in my opinion!) that very same opinion could be considered to be totally worthless for exactly those reasons. If I have no idea where the information and the opinion is coming from -- hwo can I evaluate it's worth? Even if you explain yourself, it still is pretty meaningless if you are a total stranger. You caould be a nut case and I would never know. Trusting strangers because they are nonbiased is ridiculous, I think.

Answer 4

first, i'm not a counselor, so i am very careful not to co-opt the counseling role when someone is asking for advice on adoption.  especially because my situation might not work for others.

yet...

if i read someone's post that is clearly 'ambivelant'; i feel like i can offer some advice about how one can be young, poor and scared; yet effectively parent their child and obtain their goals.

and...

if a woman truly wants to place for adoption, i have stated that she should educate herself fully before making the choice. i suggest learning about relinquishment periods, natal separation, how the child might be impacted, revocation rights, the racism in adoption (if the mom is black or the child bi-racial), open adoption and the risks of pre-birth matching. if after that she is confident that she wants to place, i sugget that she go through an ethical agency; and not answer people soliciting on line.

so i don't know...  sometimes i *think* i'm able to give  unbiased support; but, i'm not immune to speaking through the lens of my own adoption demons.

i guess i'm human...

Answer 5

I don't think any honest person can say that their advice is completely unbiased.  We all have our own experiences that we work from.  I think we can try to be open-minded and non-judgmental.  I think we can listen to the way that adoption has impacted others, and gain more of a balanced perspective.  In the end, though, our answers or advice will reflect whatever we have learned from our own experiences.  My advice to anyone is basically the same.  Just do your homework first.  I don't mean read the propaganda put out by adoption agencies.  I mean read real stories from real adoptees, real b-parents, and real a-parents.  Be prepared ahead of time to deal with the realities of adoption.  If you are adopting for the right reasons, and you understand that you will have adoption issues of all kinds, because adoption impacts everyone involved, then go for it.  Just don't go into it with rose-colored glasses or a blindfold on.

Answer 6

From a bmom's perspective, I can only give an opinion about the way giving a child up affected me. So, no I don't think I can, I can't say give your child up for adoption because I know how it feels to live without your child. How can I tell a woman to go through that heartache. Sorry, I just can't do it.

Answer 7

I can give pro's and con's and unbiased info. I have seen good and I have seen bad. I know that there are tremendous struggles, and I know that there are heart wrenching wonderful stories. I work at a fost- adopt agency. But I was also a teen mom who was about to give my baby to a family and have talked with women who made that choice. I see both sides.

Answer 8

Yes, I could BECAUSE I none of my experiences with adoption have been extreme.  I'm not adopted, I've never adopted (although I have been infertile and I know what that can do to a person).

I think if you have been personally impacted it would be hard.  I can name a ton of people on this board who could not give unbiased and appropriate advice, but most of them are clear with people that they are not biased...some are just militant and blind and give their NO ADOPTION IT IS HORRIBLE AND TERRIBLE BECAUSE MINE WAS....with no thought at all, others give really thoughtful advice from an adoptees point of view.

Then again, you could have someone who has adopted or wants to adopt talking about what a wonderful rainbow it is.

It is ok to share your experience as long as you aren't mean and nasty and as long as you are clear that you feel this way based on your personal experience.  If you feel that your experience would hinder good advice, resist the urge....BUT your personal experience might be just the thing they need.

Answer 9

Unbiased counseling should only be given by a trained professional. They will not tell you what you should do -- they will help you figure it out by talking.

Advice, is based on our personal experiences and is therefore biased.  That is what we are giving here.

There is a distinct difference between counseling and advice.

I would like to think that I give an informed answer.

Answer 10

I am not a trained counselor, so I couldn't give unbiased counseling on anything!  I hope that most people recognize that all we can give is our opinion based on our personal experience.

Answer 11

Uh, no.

I have an agenda.  Big time.

Just like the adoption agencies.

Answer 12

knowing for a fact how harmful adoption is?  no, it would be unethical.

Answer 13

I tell people my experience. I tell them things that I wasn't aware of and how I was misled. I tell them the TRUTH about "open" adoptions.

Nope, I don't think I could give an unbiased opinion when dealing with someone's life.

"Lauren's" firstmom

Sam's mom

Answer 14

I could, I tend to stick more with the facts and only chime in extra about my experience when needed, but like I tell them, it is their choice, no one else's.

Answer 15

When giving answers, I try to just give an answer to their question. But, because we are humans and we have feelings (whether we acknowledge them or not), it can be tough at times. I try to give both sides of an answer, list the pros and cons, that sort of thing. I like to give them information as well so they have a jumping off point so that even if my answer is biased, at least I recommended a link, or gave a lot of examples to get their brain going.

Skatergurljubulee

Answer 16

what????????????????????????????????

Answer 17

Although I consider myself a well informed adoptive parent I don't come here to give advice. All I can offer is unbiased information about my OWN experience and what works for MY family.

Because all adoption circumstances are different it would be unfair for me to offer advice to anyone else. So no, I cannot give unbiased information to someone else.

Answer 18

To be human - is to look at things with the experiences we have had through life.

Even counsellors can be biased one way or another - although they should not be heavily biased - in any one direction - or that would just be detrimental to the client (and in cases of adoption - the client includes an unborn child - a child with no voice of their own - but a child that also requires the counsellor to be as unbiased as they can be).

If biased - the counsellor would be making it about themselves - about their own agenda - not about truly helping the client with their own issues.

I think that if anyone is thinking about adoption for their child - they should get information from many and varied sources - so that they can truly get the most of the information that is out there - and then try to fully weigh up the pros and cons in their decisions making.

For me - I want to just get my side - my story - out there. As I feel that my mother was forced into relinquishing two children - that didn't NEED to be relinquished. She has suffered greatly through life - as have I.

It's a side of adoption that needs to be told - and until recently - was kept very hush hush.

It's one of many stories out there. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.

To be FULLY INFORMED - is what I hope - above all - that most expectant women would be.

(and sadly - many are not)

Answer 19

Yes.