I asked this question before but i am going to elaborate...Please help me?

Question

Okay so my boyfriend and his mother one hundred percent do not get along. He is a good person that likes to push the boundaries, rarely crosses them, but does push them. His mother is a control freak to the point of craziness and she does not trust nor respect her son. Her son in return does not trust and respect her. They have ongoing fights, not once have I heard him say something to his mother in a kind tone, and his mother always speaks to him in a condescending tone. He is the kinda guy that if he does something wrong he will admit it, but when it comes to his mother he is always right and that is what they fight about who is right and wrong. He received his license in may and he was told that he was not allowed to drive friends until august 31st. That is understandable, but he did. He drove his best friend literally half a mile down the road and got a sandwich and then went right back, they didn't drive to new york or the beach or anything, just to a convenient store and back. And she took his car away for six weeks, SIX WEEKS, for that. I can completely understand that he needs to be punished, so one week, two weeks maybe, NOT SIX. One time I was over for dinner and I was listening to her two other kids help make dinner and every single action they did was wrong, Charlie you are cutting those tomatoes wrong, Amy that is not how you set a table. She is the most controlling and frustrating person I know.

So my question is, how can i help these two without hurting them or seeming like I can't mind my own business. Something has to change because she is literally losing her son. The second he turns eighteen he is literally moving out of the house, changing everything into his name and is prepared to pay for it all. In ten years I am scared that these two will be eating thanksgiving in two separate houses.

So how can I help them???

Answer 1

no, you can't help them.  You are an outsider and you are a minor, she will not take anything you say seriously.

your BF is locked in a battle of wills with his mom and he will see you as yet another controlling female trying to make him behave a certain way if you try to help him.

IF he ASKS you, THEN you can offer assistance/suggestions BUT NOT before and until he asks.

1.  he knows who his mom is and how she will react and his best bet would be to just do what he has to do to get along and bide his time until he is ready to move out.  Once he's on his own then she won't be nearly as annoying to him and with time he may find their relationship gets better.

2.  tell HIM to point out to his mom that nothing is ever correct with the kids.  use the dinner preparation as an example:  the children were preparing the meal and she wouldn't let up on them about how they were preparing the meal.  As long as they weren't doing anything that would endanger them, such as incorrect use of the knife, why did it matter how the tomatoes were cut or how they looked?  Tell him to tell her to let the children do their chores uninterrupted and then she can inspect to see if they were done to her satisfaction.  Tell him to tell her to show the children how she wants something done and then leave them to do it--no hovering and micromanaging.

edit:

as to the punishment: that's his mom's call. She's most likely paying for the car and the insurance. She may not have had the vehicle properly insured to allow him to have passengers--she probably figured that if he was going to sneak and have passengers any way then she'd take the car away from him until after Aug 31 (does the 6 weeks run out around or after that date?)

She doesn't owe you any explanation as to how or why she selects her punishments and if your BF thinks the punishment is unfair then he needs take it up with her and to start eating some crow and calming down where his mom is concerned and start speaking to her as a human being and an adult. You teach people how to treat you. If he is going to constantly battle with her to assert himself (totally normal) to the point of unreason (normal but not smart) then he will always have problems relating to her.

He needs to give himself time to cool down, gather his thoughts as to what he wants to say and then approach his mother in a calm manner and speak to her in a low voice--not yelling and screaming and pouting. If he behaves like an adult and he treats her like an adult then she is more likely to respond favorably to him. At worst, she doesn't change but the change he makes will give him the ability to stay sane until it's time for him to move out.

Answer 2

The only way you can help is to encourage your boyfriend to follow his mother's rules.  And maybe open your own eyes.  Letting that friend into his car for even 10 feet was breaking the rule, not simply pushing the limits.  I'd say his mother knows him best and knows that a shorter suspension of car privileges would be meaningless.

Answer 3

I really feel for you and know exactly what it feels like.

I wish I had something better to say but there's really not much you CAN do. Every family is different and if something's to change in the family relationship, it has to come from one or more parties who are IN the relationship.

From what I can gather, these two really don't get along, and also, as far as what you've said, you don't like this woman very much either.

Family is not always a priority for everyone.

And they might be happier people not being together.

If you want to help, I suggest start by casually talking to your boyfriend about it. Does he want it to change? Is he prepared to give a little to make it change? Does he think it's worth trying to change?

I'm really sorry not to be able to help more.

But it has to come from them.

I wish you all the best with this.

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