I can't decide if it's really a p**n addiction or not?

Question

OK, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years, a while ago I started noticing a pattern, I'm always ready for s*x, although not necessarily randy at all times, but I would never turn him down, he would never turn me down either, never has a problem getting hard. However, what I've noticed is a lot of the times he won't actually finish the job between us, we'll go at it for a little bit in the morning, I'll get mine or at least realize I'm not getting there, and be done, but all too often he doesn't finish with me, instead, after I'm not present, he goes on-line and does his thing with pics and video of gorgeous women. Strictly women. p**n does not bother me, he has exquisite taste, and I consider most of it to be pretty tasteful. I just can't get over the fact that he might actually prefer to finish the job by way of masturbating to these women instead of just finishing with me. He's not rejecting me, he's not exclusively relying on the p**n, and I also try to give him the benefit of the doubt, that if I was only in the mood a couple times a week (as apposed to 6 or 7) then certainly he would choose me. My self esteem is intact, I don't think it would matter who he was with he would still do this. But when do I know if it's a problem? Is there a survey I can take? Like I said he's not rejecting me, and can I really fault him for enjoying it so much, especially when it becomes the only means after long bouts of being single, I am confident that if I could just wait, he'd certainly need and prefer the real thing, I'm just not sure how often. I mean I have better, quicker more intense orgasms when I do it myself too, but I'm a girl, I thought for guys if given the option, real would always outweigh visual stimulation and the hand. Just not sure how concerned I need to be yet? Also I think a lot of times he's already taken care of business in the morning, and hopes I will not be in the mood, if I start hinting at it, he'll make mention that he's tired, or ask if am I hungry, or want coffee, (anything but s*x). But here again, so he likes his morning ritual, it was that way before I came into his life, and I'm not even really a morning person, but he is and it often seems he would rather take care of it himself, and he's not a night person, I am, but he's usually legitamately too tired, so again he would only be doing it for me. I think if I was never in the mood and left it to him to propostition me, we'd have s*x maybe once or twice a week. That's my assumption. Should I be worried?

Answer 1

Yeah, I've encountered this as well, I don't think addiction is the right word. I would classify addiction as something that, "causes clinically important distress or impairs work, social or personal functioning".

Now technically you could say that it falls under these guidelines due to the personal functioning factor, but as you said, it's not that he can't finish with you, it's that maybe it's more intense for him to do it his way.  I agree that he would still want and need the real thing if he had to wait a few days before it was available to him, and yeah he'll be doing his thing in the mean time, but he'll come around, that's why I wouldn't call it an addiction. However, nothing wrong with making the twosome a little more intense for the both of you. First, wear something cute or s**y, figure out what does it for him, probably an array of stuff by the way, so you'll have plenty to choose from, slowley undress, maybe even keep some clothes on, guys seem more turned on by the idea of what they can't see than just naked with your legs spread and ready. Get a vibrator, and use it together, let him watch you play with it on yourself first, caress your body with it and work your way down town. Also, kissing, on the lips and then his ears, his neck, his shoulders, his chest etc.

And I'm sure you already know this, but yes, oral does wonders, don't rely on it exclusively, but nothing wrong with including it most every time.

I don't know how old your guy is, but as men get older, it's not the same two pump chump thing from when they were in their teens and twenties. Sure it's still as fast as they want it to be, but in order to turn lovemaking into exciting and passionate, yeah it requires a little more effort, so don't give up on him or you, or your relationship, just make the effort.

BTW, you'll never be better than the p**n if that's what really does it for him, you're right there's too much variety out there to even compare with just one person, but you can still have mind blowing s*x when you do have it, and I agree with MSN guy, once or twice a week is not that bad, and, eventually if you guys get married and have kids, once or twice is d**n good, and you may not even want it that often by that point. Just cut back, and when you do both want it at the same time make it count.

Don't give up on a great guy just b/c he has a sexual appetite for the whole on-line thing. And just because p**n addiction is so widely rampant now, doesn't mean we all need to diagnose your poor guy with a clinical issue right here on yahoo. Maybe if someone answering has a Ph.d on this matter, give them some credit, but don't even start going down that path from a few quick answers, and certainly not with out trying a few thigs first.

Good luck, I'm sure everything will work out fine.

Answer 2

  I'm guessing the same as you, that he has done this so long from bouts of being single.  As long as he is satisfying you than maybe it isn't a problem but how long will the two of you be together before that changes?  I agree with you and think a guy would rather bonk a real person but that takes more effort so who knows.  Also do you think he might be doing it thinking it will make him last longer and he'll be able to do a better job with you?  I guess not if he is doing it later, huh?  I guess the best thing to do is talk to him about it and let him know how you feel but don't be suprised if that doesn't change anything.  Your relationship with him is pretty new and I have a feeling this will probably turn into a bigger issue down the road so you need to let him know how this makes you feel.  He is probably doing it alot more than you realize and just doesn't have it in him once the true action is on.  Good luck to you!

Answer 3

I may not be an expert at this  because I'm single, but all I can say for sure is that something is wrong with this picture you're telling: he's not finishing with you, and instead is resorting to these online images...

I think something is wrong, and his behavior is troubling.

Real life is better than the online stuff.

Answer 4

Maybe he just needs to keep going... maybe you should hold out til he finishes...

Maybe you could mutually m********e to p**n.. or

Ask him what turns him on, and start experimenting....

I know it starts awkward, but you should be able to feel completely comfortable with him, then the s*x gets mind blowing...

i think he enjoys using his imagination... so let him use his imagination with you...

There are always fun s*x games... and that way s*x is mind blowing not mechanical.  

Answer 5

I would mention to him that part of your extreme enjoyment is in having him o****m with you. See if he can do it. Tell him it is a major turn on for him to climax while he is with you. If he is unable to do this, then there is a potential p**n addiction going on. Most things can become an addiction and it depends on if it interferes with other parts of your life if it is an addiction or not. If he is unable to climax with you and can only climax with the p**n, then he needs to seek help with the issue.

EDIT: As long as he is capable of having normal sexual intercourse with you on occasion, it is not yet a p**n addiction. You need to talk to him about how you feel and maybe he can come up with some solutions.

Answer 6

maybe he doesn't doesn't think you are s**y enough to waste his juice on, or maybe he's on some weird med and can't finish sometimes.. zoloft.. meds like that can do it

Answer 7

nice 1st question-- congrats..  women all know this, we are stimulated to the extreme with visual images... it's not an insult to you at all, but sometimes men need something different to visualize in order to reach the " finale ".    it doesnt mean you do not  feel good to him or he is not attracted to you at all.... thats why strip clubs have different girls coming out every ten minutes instead of just one dancing for an hour-- they all have the same equipment, but make it look totally different--   don't get mad or upset, its just they way we were created    ..EDIT  --  plus, just like girls, guys have certain likes and dislikes- he may do something to himself that you just do not seem to do, no matter how hard you try- its all technique-   my wife had to re-train me because i was told to do certain things that she doesnt really care for-- now i do it correctly

Answer 8

It's good that you are cool with him liking p**n. My guy likes it too, and its normal so it is good that you are not overreacting.

But it is kinda weird that he'd rather finish himself off than have you do it. Most guys do like it better when a girl is doing rather than just looking at p**n. Maybe there are some problems between you guys that he is not talking about, and so he is trying to avoid intimacy. Or maybe ya'll just need to spice up your s*x life and make it more enjoyable.

I think the best thing to do is ask him directly- why aren't we having s*x as often? Why won't you finish with me? See what he says, if he blows off your questions, then I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and avoid s*x with him. He will probably miss it, and be ready to confront the problem.

If that doesn't work, give him another chance to work this out, and if there is still not solution then tell him his weird behavior is worrying you and that if he can't explain it then the relationship may have to end. Because problems with s*x often indicates bigger problems, and if hes not willing to be honest about it, then he isn't being a good boyfriend!

Answer 9

Here is the cold hard truth...

The ONLY thing that you can do is be better than the p**n.

It obviously feels better to have something to arouse him to a higher level.

Most women do not realize that they are not doing the things that arouse a man. Men are visual and also usually like wild s*x.

If you are not DELIBERATELY visually stimulating him and most of the s*x is tame... you can count on this trend worsening.

Keep him guessing... mix it up with new creative ideas... research online and buy some toys... do whatever it takes to be the kind of woman who is interested in pleasing her man. Most women are in it for themselves.  

Answer 10

I think he has a problem. You need to ask him why he does not finish with you. That you know what he does and it makes you feel like he does not want you. Its okay to spice up your love life but you have to do it together. Ask him what you can do. You must talk about this to find out what needs to be done. If you try and he doesn't talk to you are does not change you may have to make other choices. Good luck.

Answer 11

Have you tried speaking to him about it? You might find there is a good reason for it, such as an old habit or something that you can work on together.

If you are still struggling to work it out after that, I would suggest speaking to a relationship counsellor - if you both value the relationship, then it should be something that can be solved, or at least worked around!

Answer 12

i am sorry to say but it sounds like addiction to me.  

Answer 13

If he would rather come to p**n than with you, he has a problem. That's simple.  

Answer 14

gosh i see q's like this alot...if it's an addiction, it interferes with your s*x life, job, and relationships in general.  If you feel that's the case, and it bothers you...try talking to him.  Maybe he can offer an explanation...

Answer 15

erm yes sorry .... Could he try finishing on you/ next to you...touching himself  if he can't finish inside you??? Can you talk about it?

Maybe he could take some s**y pics/ videos of you??? I don't think it's bad for him to look at images and self service every so often but to choose them over you...mmmmm and not want s*x....

I really don't think this is going to get better if you ignore it and hope he gets with the real world...I think you are coping very well...good for you.... it's not ideal

Answer 16

get yourself a d***o/vibrator and take care of yourself for like 2-3 days a week and the other 2-3 that you want it, get it from him. You guys both just like it in different amounts. As far as the finishing to p**n, he's conditioned his body to only ejaculate to his own hand and a vision. I personally wouldn't like that and I am confident myself, I think after time, I'd get bored with that and start looking for a man who I could make finish myself. It's up to you how much you value that aspect of s*x.  

Answer 17

once or twice a week isn't so bad

Answer 18

There are also medical conditions (can't remember for the life of me the technical name, but basically blood flow is restricted "down there" and it drastically decreases sensitivity)  So while he may love having s*x with you, he might not get enough stimulation/roughness to actually produce an o****m every time or at all.  With this condition, his "soldier" needs a lot more stimulation than a man without this problem.  This might not be it but it is just a suggestion to think about.  This is also something that can hinder his ability to reproduce (40% of guys that have low s***n count is attributed to this) and there is a surgery that can fix the problem, but with surgery there is always risks as well.  

Edit:  He may be able to finish with you if it is this problem but it isn't gauranteed.  The guy I dated was 30 and I was the first girl to ever actually get him to o****m, and even with me it wasn't every time.  Especially in the morning, that was when he would have a harder time going.  I even went to the doc with him when he was considering surgery and asked several questions and the doc himself told me that manual stimulation probably did feel better than s*x due to how desensitized he is.

Answer 19

Yes, he's addicted to p**n.  Having a willing partner and preferring solo....uh, that's an addiction.  I find it much more exciting than with my partner...but that's because she doesn't participate much :(   If I had someone who enjoyed it....I'd throw the computer out the window...I'd rather have the real thing anyday.

Answer 20

That is a HUGE problem and a HUGE insult.  So he CAN'T *** from having s*x with you, but he can *** from masterbating while looking at p**n??  That is totally F'd up.  I don't care how OK you are w/ p**n or how 'intact' your self esteem is, that is just F'd up!!!  

Answer 21

I think you need to talk to him about it. The truth is, things cannot be resolved if you don't bring them up, even if you're trying to avoid a confrontation.

I think that he is probably pleased with his s*x life with you but not completely fulfilled. In other words, I would suggest that your s*x life could be more interesting. Maybe he is getting bored with the same old thing. In order to spicen a s*x life you have to try new things. I am not talking about orgy's or threesomes in no way shape or form. I mean you can try bringing in some whips & chains, using fruits and creams, edible body lotions, role-playing, tons of different positions. I can promise that if you spicen it up it will be much more exciting and fulfilling for the two of you.

Answer 22

You probably need to talk to him about it and tell him that it bothers you a bit.

Answer 23

dang perves!!!