I can't do this much longer! Am I wrong?

Question

I have a five year old step-daughter that has been diagnosed with ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and possible bi-polar and possible reactive attachment disorder. Needless to say, I am worn out. I am a stay at home mom and have tried for over 3 years to help this child and it only seems to get worse. She does not listen to me or respect me and I am truly afraid she may eventually cause harm to one of the members of the family. My husband has full custody, but he works all afternoon and evening and is not really her to help with her. I am truly at the end of my rope and feel that the stress may eventually cause me to have issues with my health. Her mom used to have a lot of issues but has really turned herself around. I think she should live with her. What do you think?

Answer 1

I think you should get counseling for yourself.  Dealing with kids iwth problemw is hard.  My daughter suffers from ADHD/depression and it is exhausting.  My daughter goes to counseling once a week, and before her session, I talk to the couselor about my own issues in dealing with my daughter.  It helps.  Get yourself someone to talk to.  You are a good person to care for her.

Answer 2

I used to run mental health groups for kids just like this and I know how incredibly draining caring for them can be.  I also know firsthand how hard it is to be a SAHM without much help during the day.  Around here we have a special needs organization that provides free respite services which gives moms like you a much needed break.  Call around until you find something like this.  Also, if this child is not in therapy please get her some help.  A trained family therapist could help you decide if bio mom is ready to take on some extra responsibility with her daughter as well.  Don't give up on her yet!

Answer 3

Don't give up on that little girl.  She needs you and your husband.  She may need to be on medication, but not necessarily.  I would speak to a doctor and find out.

Answer 4

Can't imagine how it would be if the girl was your biological daughter... I highly doubt you would want to send the girl away since you no longer can handle the stress. You know what, you married a man with extra baggage you either take it or leave it. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and your Husband no longer wants to care for your child because the child is causing too much stress for him?

Answer 5

i know what you mean (kinda)...

my 2 year old son is just pure evil, i think he has to have ADHD cuz i have never seen a kid as bad and hyper as him, and I've tried everything...

he is 2 and there hasn't been one day since he was born that i have gotten a break...

i love him but i just need and deserve a break from him but no one will help me...

i think that's what you need too.

at least once a week when your husband is not working, make him take care of her.. while you just get to sit back and relax or go out and have fun...

don't listen to anyone on here unless they have kids with problems...

otherwise there opinion is not valid...

Answer 6

I can't say without more information.  Does the mother even want custody of the child?  What kind of issues did she have?

How does your husband feel about all this?  Do you have other children at home?

I personally think sending her to live with her mother is only going to make her worse.  Is she getting therapy for her issues?  Is she in school?  I guess I"m thinking solely about the child here - if this was your biological child, you wouldn't send her away.  

I think you should look into alternatives here - can you get a sitter for her so you can get a break?  Look into centers that deal with these issues?  Is there any specialized schooling she can attend?  I just hate to see you give up on her, when it seems you're the only stable influence in her life.  But you can't do it alone, and you definitely need a break here and there.  Talk to your husband and see what arrangements you can make.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 7

"he doesn't want to give up the child support."

The child should go with her mother, if this is the reason your husband gives for not giving her up.  Especially since he does not help with the caring of his daughter.  Show him this post and the answers you receive.  If you haven't already told him your concerns, maybe this will help.   Maybe she will be better with the mom, since it is her mom and not a step-mom.

Answer 8

i reccomend you do some research and get help. talk to the dad and make him understand the situation but try not to expect him to over-sacrifice. then you guys can start making progress. id try the doctor, books, internet search on people who specialize in parenting challenged children.

find a way to build your personal self confidence and leadership. also some way to relieve stress. a stressed parent is a mistake waiting to happen.

i agree that her mom should help. the more support the better. everyone might have to get along a little bit if thats an issue. all the best to you. :)

Answer 9

I think that you should research Reactive Attachment Disorder.  It sounds like this child has had a pretty chaotic life so far which may have played havoc with her ability to form a good trust bond with anyone (father, mother or loving stepparent).

Answer 10

Have you ever had her tested for Autism, my son was just recently diagnosed with Autism and it's sounds like she's allot like my son.  Maybe you should look into it.  Hope this advice helps.

Answer 11

I understand how you feel.

But if her mom have so many problem, then she cant handle your step daughter. And then your step daughter will go off bad life, if no one wants to deal with her. She will feel rejected.

My brother is treated with ADHD, and possible bipolar. He goes crazy and mental if someone hurt his feeling, or tell him what to do all the time, but he will feel better if he have the attention. I know its pretty hard to control someone that dont want to listen to you.

My brother used to not to listen to someone, now he got in a lot of trouble with police, right now he decide to listen to my mom.

All I have to say is to let her learn her mistake, and she will listen to you in someday if you show her love.

Answer 12

I feel for you. You are in a tough situation. I don't have a solution, but I'm amazed at all the people who seem to think care of your step-daughter is mainly your job. Her father and mother should be taking on more of the burden.

Your husband may have full custody, but he is not taking care of her - you are.

You should try to find a support group and respite care. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your health. If your health goes, who will be the caregiver then?

Answer 13

honestly? i do not think that you should be making the decision on this matter. there is more then likely a good reason why your hubby has full custody. Just because you think that the mother has made a flip on herself does not mean she is capable of dealing with the daughter either. They would not give him full custody if they thought that she was capable of raising the 5 year old. Is she on any medications? maybe you can try to get her into the dr to see what she can take that can help her. But really this is something you need to bring up to your husband and he needs to find the right thing to do.

Answer 14

grow up. really this is something you have to deal with. if she wastn your step daughter and was YOUR daughter you would have to deal with it. my brother was diagnosed with everything you mentioned. they need alot of attention and one on one time. if you cant handle her dont send her away. if you cant handle her you shouldnt have gotten involved.

Answer 15

I think you need to let your husband know how overwhelmed you are!!! It's sad when a child has special needs, but it's worse when their caregiver is stretched too thin.  Does the mom see her often? It sounds like she just happily passed her child along.  Do you have access to a family counselor? Maybe they can recommend some strategies or agencies that can provide the help you need.  Your two other children need you as well.  Good luck to you. Child rearing is HARD WORK.

Answer 16

You're in a tough situation, and it's obvious that you care for this child. But with all her problems, there's no one that can do it alone! Pray, and ask God to help you. He can help you emotionally make it. He is God and therefore, has infinite resources that He delights in sharing with whoever would believe and ask Him for.

The girl is obviously hurting, too, from all the family disruption. It's taking its toll on her. Something needs to change for her as well. She's so young and has so much life before her. I pray that her family pulls together for her sake, before she starts to destroy all her opportunities.

Answer 17

Check to see if there are any Programs in the Schools in your Area- for Children LIKE your Step-Daughter... Odds are You BOTH need a "break" from one another; & maybe Her getting out into the Larger World will help her "grow OUT" of some of Her "Issues..." Talk it over with your Husband, & good luck!