I can't stand my friend's significant other! 10 pts. for best advice!?

Question

My best friend for 10 years has developed a pattern of dating emotionally abusive men. This girl is very sweet and wants to see the best in people, but she is also a little co-dependent and insecure. She and her current boyfriend have broken up LITERALLY over 10 times in the last couple years. He is controlling, manipulative, unfaithful, and doesn't even have his s*** together...at all! I support this friend every time she has a problem, but this is getting old! I miss the "old" her and all the fun we used to have. I am married, but always set aside time for my friends, but her friends take the "back burner" every time they get back together. I have talked to her many times, but she is so stubborn. I pretty much stay out of it/ don't get involved, but it is like watching a train wreck over and over. I don't want to tell her how to live her life, but it is emotionally exhausting dealing with this all the time. I want her to find a nice guy that we can all hang out with, but he is super possesive and she is in "love". What to do?

She is talking about marrying him and basing her life's decisions around him also. I am so worried that she isn't going to "learn" until it is too late...

Answer 1

sometimes you just have to let them hit rock bottom  

Answer 2

You don't want to tell her how to live her life, then don't. Just tell her how a valuable  life is lived. If she doesn't listen to you, then it would be better to make her realise about the mistakes she's been doing. Be sure to on her side if its too late.

Answer 3

Sometimes you have to let your friends go or just accept the things that come with them if you like them or not

Answer 4

You cant expect people to do the same as you do. setting aside time for your friends is your thing. If she is fine with putting hers on the back burner then that is her decision although you may disagree, she is your friend and you should respect that she puts her boyfriend above everything else.

I know it sucks to see friends go through that stuff, but you can only do so much to help. In the long run no matter what you do or say, they are going to live their life as they see fit. The most you CAN do is talk to her with out getting upset, tell her how you view everything. Thats the most you can do. Actually thats all you can do, what else is there possibly? You cant push her to break up with him, and you can't force her to be how she used to be. Everyone grows up and changes, sometimes for the worst.

If it is emotionally exhausting then the best thing for you to do is stop dealing with it all the time, its not your relationship its not your problem, you spoke your mind and if she didn't take it into consideration then that is her fault. You can't let her bad choices affect you. Just back off, dont get in her problems, if she comes to you for advice then give it. Otherwise let her make her own mistakes. Not all friendships last forever the same way they always been.

Answer 5

U should just stay out of her life and leave her alone because she's not going to  listen she might think that your trying to break her &her man up so u can get with him. But obviously that is not the case but. U could try 2 talk 2 her 1 more time. But if she doesn't listen. Just let her be. Or you could even try have her mom talk her into it.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, your friend is a match for this guy!  Without her getting therapy there is nothing that you can do to change this situation.  I had the same thing for a while with a girlfriend who always attracted abusive men.  For my own sanity, I had to drop this person from my life as I don't have the time or energy to go around saving people.  You too have your own life to lead.  Tell her exactly why you are dropping her and also say that when she is ready your door will be open to her but the friendship is just too hard to handle at this point.  

Answer 7

hmm, this sounds like a pretty tough ordeal...

but i think it comes down to how close you and your best friend are.

i know that as her best friend you've done everything you can to support her and help her out but maybe this time you should just take a step back and let her figure things out on her own. we can only help our best friends so much. at one point or another, she's going to have to learn how to figure out her difficulties without your aid.

maybe you've been acting as her crutch for way too long. she knows that when she gets into any deep troubles or emotional stress, you'll always be there to hear her out. when you learn to distance yourself, you'll find yourself happier and less stressed for her and she'll learn exactly how valuable good friends are (and that no one, especially not emotionally abusive men, should come between good friends).

it's the hardest thing in the world to see someone you love s******g up their own life. but what can you do? the only thing you can do is pray that something good will come out of this and hope that your friend has enough sense and direction to pull herself out of this one. you aren't superman--you can't do it all by yourself. learn to let go of the problems you can.

you'll also find that once you let her learn her lessons for herself, she'll treasure/remember those lessons more vividly than the ones that you had to teach her.

it sounds to me like you've done all you can and you've fulfilled all duties as a good best friend. you've just gotta leave the rest up to her.

hope all works out for the best :)  

Answer 8

Honestly, I think you should let her read your post, she needs to know how much you love her and hate to see her stuck in old self defeating behaviors that drag her down. I have always believed that the most loving thing you can so for someone is to tell them the truth. The truth is that her choice to be with this man is a bad choice for her and you have tons of examples to illustrate that fact. Tell her the truth, if she she blows it off then this is her choice for her life and then you get to make a choice - to continue to play your part in the cycle or eventually leave her to it in favor of putting your energy into a  healthier friendship.  

Answer 9

i know exactly how you feel, my best friend is the same way, only she'll get frustrated enough with him that she'll try to break up with him but he convinces her that she needs him and he loves her. after so long of trying to help her i just told her that i'm done with that drama and she's on her own.

some people are just too stubborn and stupid when it comes to abusive relationships to listen to any advice and no matter how much you want to help them, you can't. maybe someday your friend will come to her senses, but you may just have to let her do it on her own.

Answer 10

Like a bad movie.  Switch off!  Stay her friend but dont let her drama's drag you under.  Im sure the light switch will finally go off in her head one day.  She is really lucky to have you and when she finally see's the light she will realise it!  Your friend needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them.