I can only ask for help when Im well enough & then it doesnt seem like I am sick enough to need it (pls read).

Question

When I am unwell - depression/social anxiety/general anxiety/PTSD/BPD I curl up at home. I see nobody (except my once weekly therapy session) and I just live alone. My nights become day and day become nights. I get headaches and sleep alot and my eating gets weird. I am lonely and in deep pain but I cant reach out for help because I dont know what to say and I dont want anyone to see the state I am in - I wouldnt want them to come around and see me unwashed and the house a mess etc I would be so ashamed.

Then when I am well enough to go out I can ask for help. I tell them there are times where I cant pick the phone up to ring this crisis nurse I am intouch with. I literally cant beleive he exsists when I am in such a state. I have no friends and family are far away so nobody knows I am in such a state. I battle suicidal thoughts alone. They never go to wanting to do it but I can self harm sometimes if it gets too much pain.

When I am well I am very very high functioning. When I am well enough I am pretty anxious and unwell but not to the point of needing to be kept an eye on as such - like for my own safety - I mean I come through the times. Then when I am in a bad state I am totally alone. I am in a total mess and because I dont show people this side of me to the extent that it is I dont get help. I am just too ashamed to show how far I have crashed and I just stay in the safety of my home until I can function enough to go get some help.

I know my life seems like a pointless exsistance but I always have hope that the good times will oneday stay and the crashes wont happen anymore. When that happens I will put heaps back into society I just cant do it from this collapsed heap I am in currently. I am sitting in a dark hole waiting to get well enough to come out. I am in my late 20's I want to get married and have children and all these normal things but how can I when I am far away from the world. It breaks my heart that I am this way. I am ashamed and people say I dont understand why you havent got someone your a very attractive women etc. But that means nothing because inside I feel so death and empty. As time goes on the attractiveness will go and nobody would want me then anyway so then what will they say? Plenty of people live alone and have happy lives??? Time is running out.

How do I express the pain and what words do I say to ask for help? When I am unwell I can hardly speak so how do I say help me when no words come out. Then when I am well enough I try to explain this to the crisis nurse and he has a hard time understanding that I crash so badly and loose so many of my abilities because I am able to articulate well when I am well enough and I loose touch with how bad being bad is because it gets lost in my memory until the next time when I loose my voice and crash again.

I am so sad. I am so ashamed I am like this. I am a graduate I have talents and I am creative all these things when I am well but the flip side is so starkly opposite I need to keep my life secret so nobody know what a mess this shining star gets into. What can I do to get out of this and stay better and be better forever?

Thank you in advance. Thanks for reading all this.

Answer 1

You need to go see a psychiatrist. I don't think you are getting any help from the crisis nurse. A good psychiatrist can help you find your road to recovery as this is what they are trained to do,

Answer 2

you're very articulate and honest wow. :) i think you should print this up and show it to your doctor/therapist.

i think the answer is a support network. it sounds to me like that could really help. ask around and see what's available.

my best moments with this illness were during the times i had an active support network and it did more good than i thought it would, believe me.

it seems when you're not feeling well that you should not isolate and instead; get involved with other people. you'll feel better and those times wont last as long or be as lonely. you sound like a good person and i think you need to work on accepting that your illness does interfere with your life currently in a major way and get past the idea of shame and get help for yourself during those tough times because believe me, i've heard and seen a lot and recovery is a reality, it really is, you do have to make the effort though, but it is possible.

one thing i want to say that may not be an option; but i live alone too; and i've lived with roommates and i did better with roommates, believe it or not. so, IF that is an option and it could be; i highly recommend you at least try it; it really could make a huge difference but it's only a piece of the puzzle; but i can just tell you, i went from living alone to living with a bunch of people, and overall the pluses outweigh the -'s. and i've seen it helps other people. it made a big difference for me, and though i'm back to living alone with some of the same problems i had before, i kept up a support network and that helps, my situation isnt completely ideal but i work with what i have; i'd probably be better off with roommates but that currently isnt a viable option for me, i'm glad i experienced living with roommates because then i could know what i was missing and not missing; and at the same time have a better perspective on what i'm dealing with now, on my own.

roommates are 1 thing and there are other forms of social contacts and support so whatever you end up doing you dont have to stick with what you're currently doing. but i will say dont condemn the idea of roommates; in fact, i support the idea of you living with other people, i think it could do you a LOT of good. it did for me anyway.

i hope things get better for you soon. you're not an alien; other people experience similar difficulties; go through some tough emotional times and you dont have to do it alone, you really dont. hope things get better for you soon and you get a good support network that can help you not feel as alone or helpless.

Answer 3

wow, are you sure you aren't me? anyway, sometimes depression has no source, sometimes the universe makes us sad. Most of the time though, depression is from some horrible trauma in your past. (Or in my case, my whole life) You need to meditate and try to dig inside of yourself to find the root cause for your mood swings. Some cases it is just a chemical imbalance which can be fixed with the right prescription. You have far too many questions here for me to know which to answer. Additionally, no one will ever be better forever. We die. We're people, it's eventually our fate. The only thing that really matters is how you want to live your life. If you are happy crying and alone all the time, fine. Do that. If not, you need to make the changes happen. People fight against change for many reasons. Don't think, just do.  

Answer 4

Your crisis nurse isn't really helping you (at least, this is the impression I get).  I say, find a psychiatrist that you feel comfortable with and when you're well, tell him about how you feel when you are depressed and cannot ask for help. He may perscribe some anit-depressants as well as therapy to stabilize your moods and help with the social anxiety.

You articulated how you feel when you are depressed very well here thru writing- keep a diary of how you feel when depressed and show it to your psychiatrist (it may be the best way to communicate when you feel that you can't talk).  

Answer 5

Try moving closer to your family.

sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Answer 6

what you go through sounds so hard. I guess it doesn't help that you don't want people to see you like that. Bu you need to talk to a doctor or someone.

Next time you feel like that, even though you find it hard,try to call that nurse or someone in your family.You may find talking to someone may help you feel a little better. if you fell to ill then you can always put the phone down.

When Feel like that you really need to ask for help.Suicidal thoughts are very serious! Your family and the doctors are not going to judge you for feeling that way, or care that the house is in a mess because they will be too busy helping you.  

Take care ! =]