I cannot seem to talk to my wife without feeling like I am being judged?

Question

We are having a problem with stuff into the open and being understood , Ok mainly I am the one who seem to have the problem. My wife got back from 4 month visit to the Philippines (seeing her family and study review) when she came back she brought her mom back with her for a visit which I knew about , the problem is my wife is currently doing major studying or her PT board exam and still working full time , that does not leave allot of time for us and with her mom here that takes more of her free time , and I am feeling left out and forgotten , I know that sound childish. I do not know how to express my feeling without hurting someones feelings. When my wife and I talk and something is said I sometimes feeling like she is judging me , she said she is not , Can anyone give me some advice on how to stop feeling like I am being judged and ho to express the fact i feel left out without hurt feelings . Thank you in advance

Answer 1

possibly instead of being on the defensive....you could try being assertive......recognize the fact that your wife is a very busy person who may have bitten off more than she can chew.  what I mean by this is that she may feel that she has a lot to do.....especially with her mother there in the house....whom I presume she doesn't get to see much. anyway ....maybee you could organise some things for all three of you to do together ....such as art gallery (or whatever they are interested in) and you could treat them both as they are special and valuable to you, and at other times organise something nice for them to do alone....possibly share a nice wine or something at home....just generally making them feel special.(especially your wife)

I m sure when she see's what a thoughtful man she has in you she would direct a little more attention to you.....as I know I certainly would

:  )  good luck

Answer 2

How about asking her out? Seriously. Tell her you want to take her to dinner, and spend some time alone with her and you miss her.  And while you are having dinner, have a long talk about how you are feeling. I am sure she is not intentionally neglecting you or your marriage..she just has a lot on her plate right now. GL!

Answer 3

From the situation you described, I will put it in plain english and it will hurt your feelings: You are being used by your wife. She leaves you for four months, then brings her mom back with her. She has chosen to spend her limited free time with her mom and not with you; her husband. If she really loves you, she will listen to you and understand how you feel. If she continues to make you feel "judged" or makes it so you have to hold in your feelings, your relationship will become quite toxic.

Answer 4

I am a straight forward person so I would just say, "Honey I know you have a lot on your plate right now but I am feeling a little left out".. If she says you are being childish, stupid etc then she is not hearing what you are saying...

We all are human and have wants, needs and desires and just because a person has a lot on their plate they shouldn't forget about the people around them, husband, children... It can make a person feel like they are being taken for granted and there is nothing childish about that or any other things you might be feeling, left out, lonely, forgotten....

Answer 5

Just let her know the two of you need to make time to go out on a date.  meet her for lunch or something when she has a break.  Just have to squeeze a little time in when you can.  I am sure she is feeling over whelmed to so is giving you this reaction.  Just when at home some time take her to bed to get away from her mother and have some close time.  Just say lets take a walk and walk her to the bed room.

Answer 6

NO one can give you advice on how to control how you feel. We are human and feelings are natural. Sometimes we misinterpret our feelings. If she says she is not judging you, she probably isn't. Women like to feel loved and needed and  wanted. Women like to hear that you want to spend time with them and love them and miss them and miss "US". However, women can become overwhelmed very easily, especially if she has a lot of other things going on. We too can misinterpret what is said and expected and even how things are said. We tend to expect to be able to count on our MEN to be understanding of our circumstaces and express that patience and caring to us. Sometimes we fail to notice that you were tolerant of the situation for a while, and see your requests as being complaints and our failures in our relationship, instead of simply seeing them for what they are.

If you think this is the case, there is an easy fix!!!!  You have to accept that you have not been forgotten. You also have to be a realist about this... SHE IS OVERWHELMED and very concerned herself about being a failure. She has to maintain her job, while trying to entertain her mom and make her feel comfortable, while trying to study for a sucessful future for the 2 of you, while trying to be a wife and maintain a household. THAT IS A LOT OF STRESS AND PRESSURE FOR ONE PERSON!!!

My advice... Find a plan of action that will relieve some of the stress. Try to have the household chores done, and maybe have dinner done or at least started everyday until things start getting back to normal. And make some use of the time she is busy studying, and get to know your mother-in-law better. Ultimately you will get lots of history on your wife and will come to know her better. You may even want to take your mother-in-law out for a nice evening to give your wife some time alone to study without the concern of how you or her mother is feeling about being neglected. Believe me she knows that you are sacraficing at this point,t and she is not happy about it, she just has no idea how time to manage the time for all her responsibilities. Unfortunately for YOU, she thinks that you are the strongest and will understand this situation. She knows it won't last forever, so she thinks it'll be okay. Maybe send her a gift basket at work, with some bubblebath, a few candles, some aromatherapy stuff and a music cd of the music she enjoys, with a small simple note.... something like.... I realize you are under a lot of pressure right now. I have made arrangements for mom and I to go out this evening. Please take time for yourself this evening and enjoy a relaxing bubblebath before you get back to  studying. You deserve a break. You have been working so hard for all of us. I love you. I'm sorry if I have made things more difficult on you, that is definitely not my intention, I have just been missing you. You have been so busy. I feel like an additional burden on you. Just know  I'm here for you, to help in any way I can. I don't quite know what to do, I just know I don't like seeing you stressed out and I really don't like feeling helpless. Anything you need or want me to do, just ask. Any time I get to spend with you will be enjoyed. Dinner will be waiting for you, can't wait to see you tonight. I LOVE YOU  ... leave it at that. Make sure there is dinner waiting for her and NO housework!!! Make sure you plan somethign to do with your mother-in-law that you both can enjoy. If you're not sure what she might like, spend sometime talking to her first, but don't tell her your intentions. This may be hard for you because it shows sensitivity, but there is a sense of apology and a sense of desire and understanding, and you hardly had to say anything.

You'll see... this is a GREAT opportunity for you to score BIG bonus points with both your wife and her mother. Your wife will appreiciate your patience, understanding and compassion. Your mother-in-law will talk about you to your wife. Ultimately things will get better.

Sometimes when things are bad, or seem bad you have to take a step back, take a deep breath and remember why you are there in the first place. Anything worth having is worth working for, fighting for, and sacraficing for. Life is very short, embrace everyday, find the positive in every situation and live for that. If there is one person you should know loves you, it's your spouse. If you know that love, know that there is no negative judgement. It is simply your feelings that have developed from the changes taking place. Hold on to that love and the joy it brings and make your decisions and actions reflect that love, not those feelings. Everything will work out just fine. Reacting to those feelings will just cause more problems. Once this has all passed thigns will go back to the way they were before all the stress came about. And things between you and your wife will be better, she will know that you are always by her side to help- her through all the rough times. Actions speak louder than words... I'm sure you'll see and feel how appreciative she really is.

GOOD LUCK !!!!