I cant take it anymore! I need help with my adopted kid?

Question

My adopted kid keeps fighting with my biological kid. she's always competing with my biological kid or testing me. Life with her is horrible. It's so hard to say this but the truth is i'm really regretting getting her. My biological kid wants her gone.... What should i do? I'm thinking maybe she would be happier somewhere else.

Answer 1

Once you adopt a child they become as much "your child" as your biological child is, you need to have as much loyalty to her as you have towards your bio-daughter. Imagine if both kids were your biological children and were fighting like this, what would you do? If one child said they wanted their biological sister "gone" would you just say okay? Would you be willing to place your biological child for adoption if the daughter you adopted asked you to?- Ofcourse you wouldn't, but what you're proposing is just as bad.

I'm asuming that you recently adopted your daughter. As an adoptive parent I understand that adjustments can be difficult, especially with an older child. You must remember that this child has been through and is going through a lot. It seems like you are expecting her to easily just fit right into your family, and that's just not how adoption works. You need to put HER needs first for a while, and help her to really start to feel like a member of the family, and maybe she'll start to feel like she doesn't need to compete for your attension.

I imagine your bio-child is also adjusting to sharing your attension, but he/ she needs to realize that she is their sister now, and "getting rid of her" is no more of an option then getting rid of them.

I highly suggest seeking family counselling, (and maybe counseling for yourself) contacting an attachment therapist, and asking your social worker for guidance. It will get better if you accept that she is your child, and really work to make things better. Remember, you are her mother now, she needs you, and it's too late to change your mind just becausse things aren't easy.

Answer 2

Coming from a foster child of 7 years, with reactive attechment disorder and post traumatic disorder, I can probably tell you how they feel. Here is how they probably think: Meeting the parents so I have to be the best or they will get rid of me like my mom and dad did. That child is blood, so I have to be better. I cant, they love him too much, so I have to make him feel the same way. I have to be better so that they will love me.- an adopted child focuses on being accepted and that is a huge goal. You must learn about what makes them feel love and accepted w/out spoiling. Make them feel like the others equal by praising him often and giving him plenty of hugs and I love yous.

Answer 3

You should give the child back to her birth parents or to one of her relatives.Im sure they will be blessed to have her.

Answer 4

Its sounds like she would be. Ask her what she wants. At least your not one of those people that want to give a child back because you don't want to financially responsible for her because you lost your job or got a pay cut.  

Find her mom and ask her to take custody back and tell her that legally "you the a-mom" will be financially responsible for her until she's 18.  Throw in college tuition because you really care, right?.

Answer 5

ok, I am going to be as polite as possible here, but YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?  Just because 2 children fight that does not mean it because one is biological and one is adopted.  Biological children fight as well.  Both of those children are your children.  She is competing with your bio child? Could it possibly be that she is trying to "fit" and can't because of the way your bio child is treating her?  I don't know you, but I do pray that you are NOT thinking about your adopted daughter going somewhere else.  Do you realize that it takes 2 to fight?

DON'T label your 2 children as bio and adopted- that is a problem in and of itself.  THEY ARE BOTH YOUR CHILDREN.

Answer 6

maybe you should consider putting her back in the system

Answer 7

You know...an adopted kid is not the same as an adopted cat.  You don't just take it back to the pound when it doesn't get along with your other cat.  

I don't hear you contemplating putting up your bio kid for adoption to stop the quarrelling.  

I'm really at a loss for what to say to you.  I am very angry at what you are proposing.  I do not think your child "would be happier somewhere else".  I believe that she is trying to figure out whether you love her the same as your other child.  If you don't, then you went into adoption with the wrong heart and attitude.  Please don't perpetuate the conception that adoptive parents will display favortism.  It is ideas like yours (and adoptive parents who will follow through on it) that give adoption the bad name that it has.

I think that what you ought to do is seek out family counseling to work through the issues that your family has.  Throwing a child away for the second time in her life is NOT going to be better for her.  Shame on you for even considering it, you are supposed to be her MOTHER.

-----------------------

Edit:

I like what Kim says about the other kid "not being the decision maker", and that the other child(ren) will NOT be going anywhere because they are a member of the family.  Kudos, Kim, you totally got it right.

Answer 8

The adopted kid is just sad and jealous that your biological kid has a mother. It's so sad to know that you don't have a mother. The child might nedd counselling or something

Answer 9

my mom is a foster mom we get troubled kids all the time my mom just shows whos the boss

Answer 10

You need to tap into the resources in your community and get both you and your family help. Do you love this child? Are you just frustrated. My son has reactive attachment disorder, so I can understand feeling lost and frustrated about how to deal with a child that is angry, grieving, and oppositional. But to give up on her? It is your responsibility as her parent to everything possible under the sun to help her, not abandon her. She may need support outside of the family circle, she may need therapy, she may need family therapy with you and your other child involved. She may have issues surrounding what has happened to her thus far, but now you have the responsibility of getting her and giving her what she needs. Please remember that she is a child: her state of mind is not her fault. If you are in Canada, you have many resources available to you. You can start by calling your local CAS and getting a list of places that can help your family. I say family, because this is now a family issue. It is not just hers any longer. Find some support for yourself as well. Parenting is not easy no matter who your child is.

Answer 11

Why not get rid of the biological child?  I mean, you agreed to love them equally, didn't you?

Answer 12

I can't really say much to you directly because it would involve words quite inappropriate to post in a public forum.

My Aunt has two kids, both biological, and they fought ALL the time. Welcome to the club. Ever heard of sibling rivalry?

"It's so hard to say this but the truth is i'm really regretting getting her" What is she, a puppy who is tearing up all of your furniture? Good God. You do not deserve to be a parent.

Yeah, adoption is really the new pregnancy. *rolls eyes*

Answer 13

Assuming you're not a troll, check this out:

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/articl...

It can be hard.  Adoptees can have additional issues that kids raised with their biological parents don't have.  It's really hard on your child to feel that she doesn't belong, and she's taking it out on everyone.  It's hard to be the parent when you don't know what to do with those feelings, and let's face it, her behaviors (which are feelings acted out) are triggering your issues, too.  The 'Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control' system is very helpful, and they have a message board where you can talk to other parents going through similar issues.

Take care of yourself.  You need to be emotionally stable so that you can be there when your kids aren't.  You know how they tell you that if your plane is going down, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first?  This is the same thing.  Be nice to yourself.  Acknowledge those feelings...and acknowledge that they are YOUR feelings, not your childrens' feelings.  And they shouldn't be responsible for them.  You take care of your feelings, so that you can show them how to take care of theirs.

I wish you all the best of luck!

ETA:  This is not attachment therapy, nor is there any "physical intervention" involved.  This is a system for parenting hurt kids where the main focus is taking care of yourself (i.e. meeting your own emotional needs) so that you will be emotionally "regulated" when your kids are "dysregulated".  

I think the misunderstanding comes in when people think Brian Post is the only person involved in this book.  So, some clarification:  Brian does attachment therapy.  He was one of the authors of the book.  Heather, however, teaches PARENTING to people who's kids have been hurt.  She is the other author of the book.  This book is NOT about therapy.  There are no physical interventions involved.  No rebirthing, no holds, none of that.  This system is about dealing with the feelings behind your child's [aggression, lying, stealing, etc.], it is NOT about dealing with the behaviors.

There was one article written about Brian Post in which ONE family complains about his techniques during THERAPY sessions.  None of which has anything to do with this book or parenting system.

Answer 14

That's what kids do they compete with each other and they are always testing their parents. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with her and your other child. You have to reassure both of them that their is a place in your family for both of them and that you love them both equally. They have to kinda come to their own terms with each other. You  have to be there to step in and stop the fights also. You haven't said how old the children are or how long your daughter has been with you. If it hasn't been very long then she is probably still adjusting and testing the waters so to speak. You have to be patient with both of them. Remember you adopted her for a reason. And adoption is suppose to be permanent, not just when things are going well.

Answer 15

BOTH of your children need some of your attention. My children got along really well at first, and then it turned into constant bickering and arguing, with everyone appealing to me all the time.

Living with other people is hard, no matter what. Children need to learn the communication and interpersonal skills that can make situations successful.  So my children were no longer allowed to appeal to me.  Instead, we'd sit at the table and I would be moderator while they talked to each other.

At first all I heard were more accusations and insults and appeals to me to tell the other they were wrong. I taught them to instead of making accusations try this "When you do -----, it makes me feel -------"

Soon I was hearing that my first child was jealous because the other was getting more attention, had more new things, had some habits that really bugged.

My newer additions to the family were saying that the first one made them feel left out, that they were insecure, that they were scared if they were themselves they wouldn't be loved and would have to leave.

The kids had to stay at the table until no one had anything more to add, then they each had to tell the others what they learned - about their siblings and about their own behavior. They had to set a goal for what behavior of theirs they were going to work on.

Surprisingly quickly everything has calmed down at our house and settled in. The children are the best of friends now.

Answer 16

Patch, can't you see your child (the "adopted" one as you say) is crying out for help and LOVE?  She needs some attention.  Give it to her- get counselling.  Maybe your biological child would be better somewhere else.

Answer 17

perhaps if you stopped labeling the kids as biological and adopted, they might calm down, I think you are a troll anywyas

Answer 18

I don't know how long the adoption has been final, but it sounds like the "honeymoon period," is over.

Sure she is testing you, and it does not seem like you are passing the test. Get into some counseling for the entire family, NOW. Reassure, both of your children that you love them and you will get through this.

Good Luck.

Answer 19

the guy that wrote beyond consequences was in the paper here a few weeks back for his con therapy....

http://hamptonroads.com/2008/07/controve...

you may want to check out www.childrenintherapy.org

it hard, it is tough, but you signed up for it...

be wary of attachment therapy and rehoming underground...

if you really want to disrupt, call local DSS or get a lawyer.... be careful that you don't end up with child abuse/neglect charges against you..

Answer 20

Considering you are referring to the kids as "adopted" kid and "biological" kid, I would venture to say the problem is you. Also, you say my "biological" kid wants her gone. She probably overhears you two gossiping about her and feels like an outsider and less loved. You need some parenting classes. Sounds to me like you adopted and were not prepared to deal with the issues. Take a step back and start treated your adopted child like she is your own rather than taking the side of your "biological" kid. Kids fight....

Answer 21

Your not a bad mother. and you can't take all advice. something are trial and error. kids are going to be kids. Sometimes a child is just looking for a sense of belonging. It could be a jealousy thing. Stop and listen to what's not being said, what the non verbal laugage. Think outside the box. Step outside and look through the window, usually you get a better view, verses being right there n the mist. And also how do your children fill about the child? Once again in this situation you have to look at th non verbal laugage even with your own. your welcome to email me

Answer 22

Adoption is forever.

I think you live under a bridge.

Answer 23

First of all, you labeling them adopted kid and biological kid is a problem in the first place.

Secondly, why would you consider giving up your adopted child and not your biological child?

I am hoping you are just a troll... I have heard of adoptive parents with biological kids acting like this, but I had never met anyone who actually DID it so I just assumed it was rare.

Answer 24

Shame on you, you horrible woman. All siblings fight, it has nothing to do with blood. If you want them to stop step it up and be a good mother, you can start by putting in some effort instead of just trying to get rid of the kid because youre having a problem with them.

Answer 25

i totally understand

my 2yo wants to know "baby go home now?"( i delivered my son late june). she has become difficult to deal and, i am thinking about  sending the baby away...

seriously, this is deplorable!  i thought adoption was a "forever family" "the new pregnancy" et al.. oh, i guess that's only when the kid is either a concept (pre-adoption) or cute and compliant!!!

welcome to parenthood!

ETA: i find it insulting that some aparents are quick to qualify their achild as the "bad seed" when conflicts occur!  seriously, maybe the bio-child is the pissy one!

Answer 26

Sounds like you should have discussed this with your family before you adopted her.  And let your own kids know that it's not like an ugly sweater you get at the mall then decide you can just take it back because it doesn't fit right.  That's is despicable!!!  How on earth could you even think about "returning" her??  You should have not been allowed to adopt in the first place.  My heart goes out to this little girl.  You need a reality check.  You can't return a biological child so why should you be able to now?  And your Bio daughter sounds like a real piece of work too!  Shame on you all.

Answer 27

I have this book on order, but I haven't received it yet. I've seen it recommended lots of places: Parenting the Hurt Child  http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Chi...

My youngest can also be very controlling. If you asked my older child (also aodpted), I suspect he would also say he 'wants her gone.' (But I might have said the same about my pesky younger sister (bio), too.) To be honest, when she's acting that way she's not much fun to be around, so I can't blame him for feeling that way, but he's not the decision maker. She's part of our family. She will be staying.

However, we hope to get to the root of whatever is causing her behavior, so hopefully we can all have a more enjoyable life together. I have read that children, even those adopted as infants and young toddlers, can remember a "great feeling of powerlessness" when they were adopted. Their whole world changed and there was nothing they could do about it. I think some attempt to control everything else in the hopes that they will maintain power over their world so they won't ever be "powerless" again. When things get really frustrating, I try to remember that she's not doing things to make me nuts...

Like I said, I haven't read the book yet, but I'm hoping it will provide some insights. (My DD's behaviors are merely in the realm of "annoying," not dangerous, etc... And we're nowhere close to considering a disruption... But I can understand frustration at really controlling behavior.)

Answer 28

sorry to say ! but its totaly your fault that u r unable to create a family atmosphare between your childrens. a child is a child for a mother not biological or adopted. u r ready to left u`r adopted child why not u think that your biological child will be more happy anywhare alse. i think first u must check out your behavior between childrens  i. want to talk you more mail me at   [e-mail]

Answer 29

Could you be any more cruel and heartless?!

I am so hoping you are a troll. If not it is people like you that give adoptive parents a bad name.

Once a child is your child they are your child. What the heck, why not throw both kids away then you would have no problems at all :(

Answer 30

I'm sure she's testing you. She feels like an outsider and wants reassurance. I advise that your whole family has a chat with or some counselling from an expert on adoption, maybe even your social worker.

I was adopted and the most important thing my parents told me was that I wasn't like any other kid. I was special because they chose me. I was told that as a tiny girl, barely young enough to understand but it made me feel very precious to them and I still do at 33 years old.

Please don't let your daughter push you over the edge. Get some help and love her into submission. She wants to be part of your family more than anything else right now. Trust me.

Answer 31

Another adoptee gets a Forever Family.

Ahhh I feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

Ain't adoption wunnnnnerful??