I cheated and need advise about our marriage?

Question

I cheated on my husband of 4 years with his sisters fiance of 10 years. I was into him the first time I met him but kept my distance because everything was good the way it was. Then about 3 weeks ago we spent alot of time together because he wasnt working a job then. I started really falling for him on emotional and physical levels. We got caught and my husband stayed but the other couple broke up. The other guy told me he loves me and just wants me to be happy because he cant give me the life I deserve financially. But neither can my husband, just better than the other guy. I still have feelings for the other guy but I have two kids and wouldnt be able to split up my family. Its not the same with my husband as it was like 2 years ago, we were really close but then.. we werent the two peas anymore. How should I continue on with my husband knowing I still have feelings for my almost brother in law? Do you think this will work? I tried to leave and didnt want to inconvenience anyone with my two kids, two dogs, two cats, and a whole lot of luggage, I suggested time apart and he leave but he said he pays the bills and wont go. I dont want to play games with his heart, but I'm kinda treating him like a yoyo. What are your thoughts on our relationship.

Answer 1

u both should start over.

Answer 2

My thought's on this whole subject are rather simple.

You cheated , you dont have a relationship , that ended when you crawled into bed with your sis in law's man .

Sell the pet's and move out file for divorce dont hurt him anymore then you have your kid's deserve better and yes you being gone is better.

The fact's are as it stand's , you disrespected your marriage vow's by cheating now your in mourning for the lust you lost , did you know it take's minimum of 4 year's to really know if you love somebody ? I guess you did because you stated you cheated after being with him for 4 year's so there is no real love there , the suffering your husband has to go through watching you mourn is selfish and painful and I would hope as a mature adult as a mother and as a human being you would not sit back now and expect thing's to just return to the way the were because that isnt going to happen .

And why should he move out when your the 1 who broke the vow's and put your heart , emotion , soul into another person ? all the thing's that should have remained the property of your husband , seriously move and leave this poor man to grieve the loss of the woman he thought he knew because she doesnt exist anymore.

Answer 3

I'm not really sure what you want us to say.

I mean, you already know the situation- you screwed up (majorly) and YOU'RE the one who's going to have to have to fix it.  Why would you suggest that your husband leave?  YOU'RE the one who cheated- why don't YOU leave?

You're going to have to accept the blame here and then maybe things can be repaired.  You may need to enlist the help of a counselor.

Answer 4

No it won't work.  

Answer 5

Just wondering why did your husband stay?

Answer 6

"he cant give me the life I deserve financially" WOW! You must be really special Deedee!  "I tried to leave and didn't want to inconvenience anyone with my two kids, two dogs, two cats, and a whole lot of luggage,"  Now that's real considerate of you!

  Personally, I think you should hang out at the local pub, and maybe you'll meet a nice man who has a double wide you and your tribe can move into. Your husband will miss his two kids, two dogs, maybe the cats, but he'll be glad to be rid of you, YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!

Answer 7

Why are you married if you aren't done fooling around? Seems to me like you have such little regard for your marriage. Do him and yourself a favor and call it quits.

Answer 8

I think you should pack up your stuff and get out. Not only did you stab him in the back but you did it with his sisters man and you're saying you don't feel the same about him anymore. You are treating him like c**p and it's ridiculous. He deserves to be loved genuinely..not saddled with a spouse that wants to bang some other dude. That's nasty.

He's getting screwed royally. You destroyed the marriage when you spread your legs for another man..you're the one that should leave. He owes you nothing.  

Answer 9

Its over. What about his poor sister. You have wrecked ur family, his family (sister) I doubt you'll be invited to this years family Christmas! What were you thinking?? Marriage is hard, you dont need to be 2 peas in a pod to be happy. You are making excuses for your actions. Even talking about finances and who can proivide for you best just shows how shallow and selfish u are. Leave the hubby and prey that ur kids forgive u for destroying thier family.

Answer 10

my thoughts?

its unhealthy...marriage isn't easy.  It takes work.  You took vows to be faithful to your husband and now you aren't.  There is no "do-over".  I suggest you try counseling- but it doesn't seem like you really feel as though you've made a mistake here.  If the counseling doesn't work, divorce him and please refrain from remarrying until you grow up.

Answer 11

Wow, if you were my wife, you'd be out the door in a split second.

Answer 12

Before you decide to leave a good...think, think, think, think long and hard.  Right now the grass may be greener on the other side but will it be in the long run?  Try counseling with your husband.  He seems like he really loves you, your husband that is.

Answer 13

Sometimes people stay together for the kids...

Sometimes the kids just wish they would have gotten divorced...

:-(  

You should be ashamed and humiliated.

Answer 14

so if your marriage isn't perfect that's a reason to cheat?

it's over your husband deserves better and your kids deserve a decent mom that will think of them first.

Answer 15

its funny how so many people are judging and are so perfect in their love life's which makes me think that maybe if people were more open minded and realized that marriage 100 years back was 20 yeasr then people died at a young age we now live 80 -90 years plus open marriages work better if the couple understands the difference between love and sexfollow your heart you live only once

Answer 16

You can ask loads of people on here and not find the answer your looking for.

Youre maybe looking for a way out of he relationship, hoping someone will be able to tell you what to do but no one can.

If you don't love your husband its as unfair to stay with him because he should be with someone who loves him, just like you should be.

If what you really want is to be with the other man, then its what you have to do because you will regret it in later life if you didnt. But just make sue it is really what you want.

Take a trip, on your own or with a friend, and get away from everything for a while.

See what you miss most.

The relationship with you husband, family life, your kids, the other man?

And see how important the financial aspect is.

Remember your children are so important here.

They need to be a big part of your decision.

Answer 17

first of all i think you need to learn how to control yourself.  you love your husband but you LUST you bil.  

you really have two choices here. stay and try to work it out.  you're gonna have a lot of making up to do, azz kissing, repenting, etc

or 2, leave and do your own thing.

you really do need to reevaluate your marriage, you commitment to your marriage, what marriage means, can you be faithful, and can you control your lusting.

the decision is yours. good luck!

Answer 18

a mans view your a s**t and need to keep your legs close and some one needs to tell your husband about it and give you foot up your a** and leave you and divorce you to. Sorry i cant stand cheaters.

Answer 19

Leave your husband, he deserves a chance to find somebody who would love him.

Answer 20

You are a very selfish person!  Not only did you go out on your husband and your kids but, you are trying to destroy the other guys life!  You say you love him but, you are doing everything you can to destroy his life even though he also has a son.  Maybe if you wouldn't think of yourself so much, things would be  better!  I do not understand how anyone can try so hard to hurt their husband, children and the other guy and his family!  Why don't you tell everyone the whole story, how this guy tried to get you to leave him alone and you kept forcing yourself on him, knowing he was trying to do what was right with his family!  Also people mention the pub, well what they do not know is that you already hang out at the local pubs.  Give you alcohol, money, s*x etc. and you would give up your kids, husband and the other guy.  When You ask a question, tell the whole story!  You need to be kicked out, lose your kids, and lose everything you have! including your cats and dogs!  I hope you become homeless!  How many other guys are you seeing at the same time!  When are you going to tell the whole truth to the world!

Answer 21

It's over, whether you are willing to admit it or not.

Answer 22

wow no offense but this is a real dilema i would suggest do what makes you happy you only have one life so make it worth but its still very messed up what you did  

Answer 23

Well you need to leave your husband because he deserves to find someone else who can be loyal to him. You are obviously not in love with him anymore and you broke up another person' relationship. I dont' see how you can stay with your husband, his family probably really dislikes you.  

Answer 24

you two deserve each other and I hope your husband finds out, dumps you on your butt and takes the kids, dogs, cats, and all away from you.......women are supposed to be classier than men - you are hereby officially banished from the rhealm of womanhood and you are officially no longer a woman

Answer 25

You did him wrong and your marriage will never be the same. If you cheated before, then when you meet someone else you are attracted to you will cheat on him again. Or you will cheat on him with the same guy.

I don't know why your husband stays with you, he should have taken the kids and left, so you wouldn't have to inconvenience anyone.

Answer 26

As a psychologist, there is a common "pattern" to cheating in marriage. First of all, you are "unhappy" in your marriage. Now, really, most marital problems can be fixed, easily. You married each other for a reason, and there are stages to marriages. You have only been married for four years, and, before this, you were in the newlywed stage, where, like you said yourself, you were like two peas on a pod. Now comes the disillusionment stage. This is the stage where you realize that marriage isn't an automatic happily ever after. It takes a lot of hard work. Nowadays, people seem to neglect the hard work it takes to make a good marriage. They think that if a marriage isn't working, that it isn't ever going to work. When the truth is, a marriage isn't working because it takes hard work. Only after the hard work can you really see how the marriage truly is. This is the stage where you realize his faults, little things irk you, you aren't as close, etc. But what people fail to realize is this is a stage that all marriages go through, but if you can get through it, you get to the last, best, and final stage. Its the unconditional love. Its the stage where you accept that, yes, you both have faults, yes, you have both screwed up (like when you cheated), but you are there for each other no matter what. Its the REAL love, not the sugary sweet honeymoon phase love. But nowadays people don't put the hard work into a relationship, they get lazy, and they divorce before they can ever get to what is really important in their relationship. Its sad. Anyway, the pattern of cheating in marriage almost always happens like this. There are issues within your marriage during the disillusionment phase, but instead of taking the time to put the hard work into the relationship, you stray. If your husband isn't giving enough love attention or support, they go find someone else that will. And here is the worst part, almost all of the time, during this infidelity, the cheater subconsciously convinces themselves that they are IN LOVE with the other person. Now I say this but I understand you are probably in too deep of denial to fully grasp it, although I hope you do. Its just a self defense mechanism to protect yourself from the horrible thing you've done to your husband. You love your husband, you married him, even if he and your relationship is not perfect. Yes, this other guy may be nice, but it isn't real, and if you were with him, once you got to the disillusionment phase, you'd find another and you'd be in the cyclic pattern all over again. Its SO common, and I see it all the time in my patients, that they have "fallen" for someone else. Its always a load of bull, and, eventually, through therapy, they begin to admit that. You do not love this other man, and you need to accept that. You need to focus on your husband and your marriage. Leaving is a cop out, and so is cheating, the hardest thing is to actually put the work into the marriage. Go to counseling for yourself and for your marriage. You need it to deal with your psychological issues over this, and your marriage certainly needs it to fix certain things as well as the damage you've done. Grow up, take responsibility, and do the work that a marriage requires. You signed up for it, and if you cop out now, you'll never be truly happy because inside you will know it, and you will repeat the cycle again. Good luck, and take my advice to heart. Its so sad to see people do this....

Answer 27

Wow, girl, that's a sad, sad, sad story.

You need to stop being greedy and selfish and start thanking your lucky stars that your husband honors you and stayed with you despite your infedility and lack of respect for your marriage and your husband.  You need to focus on your children instead of your lover.  What kind of mother do they deserve: an adulteress, or a loving wife and mother?