I constantly feel as if I'm inferior to my cousins.... please help.. mental breakdown

Question

My self esteem has lowered so much.... and idk why, but i think it has to do with my cousins.. or maybe just my pessimistic way of thinking.

My cousins are a lot fairer than me and are the good looking ones in the family. I am a lot darker, and I constantly think I'm ugly. My cousins started reading the Quran earlier, and idk why, but I started relli late, and idk if I'm jealous... but I ALWAYS have to hear my aunt sing praises of my cousins.

I've been through alot, and I've always believed that I was never given as much attention as I needed as a child. When I cried no one was there. I feel, to this day, that I'm unloved, and uncared for. No one ever praises me, never did, and when people say mean & bad things about my I believe them. I know I'm jealous of my cousins.. but what am I supposed to do? I've never felt as if ANYONE cared. I just can't wait for ccollege... I want to move out so bad..

No one ever listens to me... I cry alone. Always. I love my parents, but they have hurt me so much, and still don't know what they have done. My mum has done so much to me... she's taken all my friends away, made me feel isolated, and I see not one sign of remorse. She's poisened by brain with bad stuff about my dad.... which resulted in my awkaward relantionship with my dad. I have no friends. I'm alone. I cry almost every day..... and no one ever tells me to stop..I cry alone..

My cousins are always looked upon as the nicer ones...

I feel as if Allah hates me... i started Quran late, and now everyone looks down upon me...I feel like a bad person... As with myself, I always pick out the faults in other people to make myself feel good.

I want to inshallah become a hafiz or an aalima... but idk.

I can't ever seem to establish my prayer, and I know, I'm jealous of my cuz's when I shouldn't be, and I always am negative, but why can't anyone see that my heart is pure?

I'm really just a lost soul. I feel as if no one cares... and everyone just see's the negative in me..

Am I really that bad?

I'm sorry if I bored you with my problems but I needed to let all of this out...

Answer 1

as salam alaykum dear.  I am aware of this preoccupation by certain people with being fair skinned, but let me just assure you.  being fair skinned does not make a person beautiful.  In fact there are countless examples of ugly women who are fair skinned and dark skinned women who are absolutely beautiful.  That is a cultural matter which is not based on anything which is actually factual. As for your education, well as a parent i started my children off young with memorizing Quran because that is my responsibility as a parent.  If no one encouraged you as a young child and you fell a bit behind, then that is not your fault.  My dear take it from me.  It is not about what should have been done, or even what injustices you have faced.  If someone was unkind or unfair to you, you cannot allow that to dictate the rest of your life.  You cannot be a victim your whole life.  It is better for you not to focus on those things you perceive that you do not have, and instead focus on those things you do have.  And to keep always striving to improve yourself and to be the best you can be.

Answer 2

salam, sister

u've got a friend rite here :]

i no im not supposed to speak for allah, but of course he dsnt hate u! he is the merciful, and mashallah u r reading the quran at all! allah loves us all unconditionally, so u've got someone with u if u feel no one else is. u r not bad at all for feeling jealous or negative. its not your fault, just how u grew up. im sorry to hear that ur going thru tough times. ur cousins r no better than u just cuz they read quran b4 u did, so try to lift that weight from ur shoulders. ;]

its really good u were able to admit ur flaws and express all of the emotions ur feeling. its the first step in trying to get rid of them ;]. i no it could be hard, but dont listen to ur aunt boast. if she begins to, try to stay away; avoid listening. is talking to ur mom about ur tru feelings possible? cuz thats a great way to feel relieved. if she wont listen, dont waste ur breath. maybe try to ignore all of ur problems, if possible, until u can move out. burying emotions isnt good for ur soul, but try to cheer urself up.

dont feel so down, and im glad if my advice helps in the least :)

Answer 3

You never bored me sister. Walahi I started crying when I read this. Don't feel that your parents don't love you, they're yelling at you because they want you to try harder. You should try harder too and talk to your cousins, your mom and tell them...SHOW them that you care about Allah and that you truly want to become a great muslim. Remember sister, you are not a lost soul and don't think no one loves you. Muslim sisters should love eachother so I love you remember that sister. YOU ARE NOT BAD, Masha'Allah that you have a pure soul. You are beautiful, don't ever say you're not. You're BEAUTIFUL Muslima...Allah gave us muslims the blessings of that.  Instead of crying alone, go to your room and talk to Allah (SWT) about this. Talk to him about your problems with your parents. Allah can help you and will only show you the right path to be on. If you have more questions about anything sister, email me. I'll always be there to answer your questions. May Allah help you sister.

Answer 4

Vent, it's okay. Keep in mind at all times that Allah (swt) is there for you and pray, pray, pray! Also, try to socialize with people at your local mosque that are you age. They will surely keep you mind off your worries and on fun activites at the local mosque.

Please remember that Allah (swt) will not judge on who's skin is fairer or who read Quran first, but who really understands and learns from the Quran. Focus on the good things, and may Allah (swt) be there for you now and in the future inshallah.

Answer 5

Some solutions if they can help.Be strong .Fortify yourself with your strengths.Just take a halt & Browse your capabilities & note down your strengths.Every body has his good face just one never pays attention to.Show to the world that it is not the skin colour that matters but the colour of heart.Commend the good acts of your cousins & parents & condone their misgivings with a smile.A bold step .Concentrate on your strengths & pay more time & attention towards them.After some time I hope you shall be in a different world.I also suggest to have full faith in some good guide & friend.If you dont get one.Strengthen your self by being in forums like these & reading articles of faith & beauty.

Answer 6

Allah loves you

Allah is the REAL SUPERPOWER and He loves you.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 7

aahh!!  

Assalaamu aleiki sis

i can somewhat relate to you I think.  If you want, we can hook up as sisters inshallah, help each other in the path of Allah.

The prophet taught us to look at those below us, and not those who are above us.  May be your cousins ARE better, and may be NOT... Allah knows best!  What people think won't change the truth.

Allah knows your situation, and Allah doesn't give a thing (specially something like this) because He is angry at you.  Why would He be angry? What did you do?  probably nothing so bad that you can't repent!  Allah is The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

When striving in the religion, it is not how much you memorised that is important, but also how well you understand it and practice in real life.  See the reward of reading the Qur'aan 5 times in a month can be less than the reward of someone reading it once in a month.  This is because of the effort, for reading it correctly, for understanding and applying in your life etc.  

"If Allaah wants good for someone, He gives him understanding

in the Religion."

So when you are striving, strive for the sake of Allah because Allah said, "Verily actions are only by their intentions, and every person shall have only what he intended."

"Do not seek knowledge to compete with the scholars, nor to argue with the foolish people, nor to gain control of gatherings; for whoever does that - the Fire, the Fire!"

So don't do it for praise.. eventhough you want to be appreciated by your loved ones(which is normal).  It won't happen except by Allah's permission.

And its not that your parents don't love you, but possibly their thinking is completely different than yours.  And they were also probably raised in a complete different way etc. or didn't realise the needs children from their parents.  So there are a LOT of misunderstandings.  And often all cannot be solved.  Except the few parents, when you explain your feelings, even if they don't understand, they'd try to be more kind.

I have this same problem when it comes to my parents.  The problem also is when people aren't following Islaam, or Islaam properly.  Because as Allah said, we seek each others rights by Allah... but this doesn't happen when ppl don't live their life as prescribed in the Qur'aan and Sunnah.

Sister, I know it is hard, but try and appreciate the fact that you started Qur'aan late.  Because many Muslims don't know it, sadly even as adults and old.  Learn to appreciate that Allah didn't make you blind, nor ugly, but just dark... don't be like those who doesn't appreciate the creation of their Lord.  Allah created fair, dark, medium, pink... all kinds of different people and races, from His blessings.  When someone comments something negative about someone's look its often that they are jealous/angry, or they are ignorant.  

Alhamdulillah, you are not one of them.

It is only a trial.. and trials from family are often loong and the most hurtful and hard.  But don't loose hope, because Allah helps us in ways we don't think of.  Make lots of dua'... as Allah accepts the dua' of every worshipper.  sometimes he grants it right away, sometimes after some trial, and sometimes in the hereafter... but you have nothing to loose.

Going to college can be a good thing may be, as it'd help you build confidence inshallah, and may b also create some kind of bonding between your mother.  But the rulings in Islaam you have to look into for everything you choose to do.  A scholar(i think) said, anything you do for other than for the sake of Allah would be a thing of regret on The Day of Judgement.

So at the end, no I don't think what you said is a boring thing, but a problem you have, and you needed to make sure if the problem is you, or what.  so.. It's okay.  You are not bad.  You are just being a human.  Everything would be okay inshallah.  And please start your prayer.  Prayer has the power to not get someone depressed.  It keeps one away from haraam.  It is what seperates a Muslim from a non-Muslim.

Answer 8

You are not bad at all.  People will compare individuals to their cousins or siblings, or what have you, and it doesn't matter because on the last day nobody else can answer for you.

It is never too late to start learning.  Find a good group of sisters, try hard to, because good companionship is important for keeping eemaan up.  And even if you can't, you can still read Qur'aan.  I like to use www.quran-recitation.info because you can listen line by line and it's good for memorization.

And don't ever feel bad because of the way you look.  It's in the eye of the beholder; in my personal opinion, darker skin is more attractive.  Some men may prefer lighter skin.  No matter what you look like, there will be men out there who would be willing to marry you.