I could REALLY use some smart advice?

Question

My husband is a slob. Never was Mr. Perfect, but he's become awful. We've both put on a lot of weight this last decade, but hygiene is important to me. I like to be fresh, clean and wear cute clothes. He doesn't care what he wears-whether it's stained or wrinkled. He is a sloppy eater. He doesn't always brush his teeth and his breath is terrible. He farts in front of me and the other day he actually blew his nose into his hand!

And yes I've spoken to him--he says I'm a nag. I've asked , begged and pleaded with him. He's on anti-depressants-has been for a long time. He's a smart guy, has a great job, and is a good dad, (2 kids over 20-one 16 at home). Sometimes I want to leave, but I can't because of my medical issues. I couldn't make it alone. Plus, I really care about the man that's buried under there somewhere. He can make me laugh, but we never go out socially-it's all sleep, eat, watch TV, eat and work for him. I'm just empty. And lost. What am I doing wrong?

Answer 1

y wud a smart woman like u stay with such a loser....  DUMP HIM!!!  get urself the best lawer u can find... dont worry... ur HUSBEND pays him.... not u....  with luck u can get the house... cars....  mony.... lots of child support.... maybe even alimony for ur medical bills.... u dont need him.... beleve me.... women do NOT need men in there lifes... ull be lots happier an much better off without that slob...

Answer 2

well, it sounds kind of like my situation (lol) but I have two kids 6 and 4..Been married for almost 7yrs..I was reading and it sounds just like my husband (lol) I think its part of being comfortable with eachother..But blowing his nose in his hands is pretty gross (lol) farting is normal, brushing his teeth is just being lazy (lol) My husband thinks Im a nag too (lol) but he only hears me nag because the things he does wrong if he does it I won't nag..

But here is what you need to do..throw all his stains shirts away and go see a doctor about the weight..I lost 25 pounds in 2 months for b12 shots with phentermine and torpiramate..

I think its from the pills why I lost weight and I want my husband to be on it too..You eat less first week I lost 8 pounds and every week I lost 2-3 pounds..It makes u eat less and you dont think about food and topiramate is actually known to use for depressant some prescribe it to bi-polar or migraines and for diet..THESE pills are definantly the lose weight pills!! See if your doctor will prescribe it to you..Alot cheaper than getting it from a diet doctor..Maybe ur insurance will cover it just make sure you went to see ur doctor for back problems so they cover it rather than diet reasons..

Once when you lose weight Im pretty sure you will feel comfortable again and happier..Same goes for him..I think part of being depress is weight..You guys should also take walks together as an excercise..Buy some mouth wash if his too lazy to brush his teeth..

You guys should also go out more..Go on a date..Go dancing..

Me and my husband go out and s*x is very good (lol) thats why I stay with him (lol) but he cares to make changes to be better and he does makes me happy when his temper doesn't get in the way..You just need to talk to him and let him know you wanna be happy, like when you first met..Let him know you care and love him that you wanna help and you also need his help to make it work..

I think communication is number #1 the only way you will get things work..So be open...Make a change! GOODLUCK!

Answer 3

You need to stress to him how important this issue is to you.  Explain to him though you understand you are not the same woman you were at the time of marriage that he has pulled far from the man he was.  Tell him the way he is acting is very unattractive to you and you want your relationship to be something closer to what it was.  Tell him you're saying this because you care about him and the way your relationship is going.

Answer 4

OK so you have been together for at least 20 yrs and 9 months, your both fat and you have no social life. You only stay with him because you have medical issues.

He is a great dad but thinks your a nag!

So you really don't understand why he makes no effort to be attractive to you?

He has clearly given up and from the sounds of it for a pretty good reason.

Nothing more motivating than a wife who sticks around for selfish reasons. Sounds like you have beaten the self respect out of him, I'm sure there are plenty of angry women here who will congratulate you for that.

How about you try propping him up and repair the damage that your 20+ years of beating down have done.

If he really doesnt care about his appearance its because he has nothing at home he cares  to impress.

Answer 5

Hit the gym, shape up yourself. Wear s**y clothes, get other mens attentions in front of him. If he doesn't get the picture and follow your lead at this point then walk away from that twit or succumb to a life of mediocrity. A hot wife should be enough to motivate any dolt to take better care of himself.

Answer 6

I've read several psychology magazines that deal with this.

Step one:  Fix yourself ... like when on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down ... we're instructed to take care of ourselves first then help those around us ... So, create baby-goals, and meet them ... create new one's and meet them.

Step two:  Invite your spouse to play at these goals.  It's trial and error since time changes interests.  Usually, being overweight can depress you, and exercise gives endorphins ... so, you should try a variety of stuff and see what the BOTH of you enjoy together as activity ... then do it.

Step three:  You get more flies with honey than vinegar.  Remember to respect, and cheer him on as the two of you progress.

Answer 7

Well, first off.  Get some exorcise going.  The better you look, the more he knows you could go get some other guy.  If he actually cares, he'll probably do something about it.

Although....  if you do actually nag him about wearing wrinkled clothing around the house then I can see where he's coming from.  I know I wouldn't stand for that from my girl.  Or the way he eats.  As long as he's not getting half of it on his face or splattering it around the place then who cares?  

Of course, how you eat and dress in public should have a little bit higher standards.

If he's working long hours or his job has gotten increasingly more stressful then there's a huge reason he could be stuck in a rut.  Especially if you are hassling him at home.  He has no time or place to relax from the sound of it.

Do remember the saying about flies, honey, and vinegar.  It's extremely true.  Understanding and encouragement generally accomplishes much more than insults, nagging, or threats.

Also remember that if you are looking for negative things, you will find only negative things.

Answer 8

Well this is a very complex issue. Anything involving the change in traits, habits or personality of a loved one can be a really touchy subject for both spouses. I'm sure you've talked about his too him, but I think its going to take a lot more than just talking to him to get through to him. I understand how a person's self-esteem can lower when packing on the pounds (god knows I've been there myself). What saved me is finding the courage to get back in the gym, getting the blood flowing again and eating right. By changing the way I saw myself, and creating a better self image, I allowed myself the ability to create the tools needed to my outlook on life and my self esteem. The anti-depressants are fine, but if he's not going to change his thought process then the pills will do him no good.

And leaving him won’t solve he problem either. It will only make him suffer more from mental anguish than staying by his side. If I where you, I would seek counseling for both him and yourself. Because it could be the way you unknowing talk to him about his hygiene that's pushing him further and deeper into his depression. Find someone that can play mediator between to the two of you, to just sit down with you and him and talk about what's bothering the both of you the most about one another. Men don't usually show emotions like women do.  So you have to watch their actions, because they won't come out and tell you what’s really wrong with them. And it sounds to me like it's something that he’s seriously upset or hurt about, which gives you the end result of what you’re currently faced with. It's hard for him to open up and change the way he see's life and himself, so he’s going to need you to be strong for both him and yourself. I pray that your husband gets better, and that the two of you find a common ground of peace, humility, and understanding.

Answer 9

I liked that part about, "Plus, I really care about the man that's buried under there somewhere."  So, stop enabling his decline.  You both need individual counseling.  His meds need to be re-evaluated.  And, YOU need a break.  Get away somehow for a week or two.  Stay with family or whatever.  Just make a break to stand afar from the situation and get things clear in your mind.