I did not raise my daughter this is normal, why won't she take respnsibility of her 7 yr old son?

Question

If not for me giving up my (what SHOULD be a simple life), my Grandson would be in foster care. My daughter is 30 years old and she can only squeeze her son in her busy schedule on some Saturday nights and Sunday days. When I'm really lucky she'll keep him till Monday. She has to leave for work (as a Beauty school instructor) at 7:00 am, gets off at 4:00 Tuesday - Saturdays, and then sometimes she does hair appt.'s at a nearby salon after work. Hence getting off anywhere from 7:00 - 8:00 pm. Rather than coming and getting her son even some nights when she doesn't have hair appointments (after she teaches) she goes out or goes home to her nearby apartment. She is single and never married and men seem to be her priority over her son. I have had it! He just called and begged her to come and get him and she said "she can't" she'll be here tomorrow night at around 5:30 pm. He hasn't seen her as usual since last Sunday night. What is wrong with todays Mothers?

Answer 1

I think you should take her to court and get custody of the child. Make her at least pay for him, she should pay you for childcare. If that is not possible then your first thoughts should be for the child, if you are able do your best for him. How sad for him to be in foster care when he has a grandmother and mother.

Take him to a good bible church and go yourself on a regular basis. Maybe your daughter will come someday and God can change her heart. Sunday School is the best place for a child.

Answer 2

I would go for guardianship and some child support from her. I do not think this situation is going to change any time soon. Be glad she only has one kid!?

When you do take him to school or to the park or even to the doctor -- take some photos. Send them to her. Prints by mail. I think if anything has an impact over time it will be receiving an envelope in the mail -- wondering ``what`s this?`` and seeing the little guy`s eyes looking out at her.

At first perhaps she will laugh and toss them aside but keep doing it.  Don`t put in a note or anything besides a breezy ``Thought you would like to see these.``

I know I am not the same kind of person or mother as she is but I do know I would miss my kids if I had reminders of them.

I also feel you should sign him up for some hours of daycare to give yourself a rest -- at least a daycamp in the summer -- and put her down as responsible party to pay.

He is lucky to have you in his life. I am sorry that you are not able to simply have fun as his grandmother but must be his parent.

Also...big brothers/big sisters; big pal/little pal; depending on what the organization is in your community I am sure there is something like that. There is generally a waiting list for boys -- especially to be paired up with a male pal -- but maybe if he made a connection with a family of two parents and other kids in the family he would benefit and you would get some respite.

I almost -- ALMOST-- am glad his mother does not have him at home witnessing her parade of men. I think that is damaging too.

Still sorry you have to shoulder the burden.

Be well.

ETA: It hit me with his father being on death row:  http://www.prisonsociety.org/progs/ifs_s...

This is a children-of-inmates support group for kids with parents in Pennsylvania prisons. Obviously I do not know where you are from but there should be a program available through your local social services or bureau of prisons.

If his father is on federal death row I know inmate David Hammer with the help of some nuns does some things for children of those inmates and there may even be a federal program with stipends to get him to a summer camp etc.  I know you may feel with his behaviors he might not be a good candidate for summer camp but I think time away learning new things would be great for him.

If you want you can email me at lakewriter51340@gmail dot com and I can help you find some resources in your area -- especially if you are in an urban area like Philly or NYC and social services is far too overburdened to be of any help.

Answer 3

Wow. I have had 2 of my grands for a few months to raise, but nothing like you. Another one and her mom live with me but I don't do much childcare. Its not my job as you know. But I guess i would if I had to. Its been 10 years since I had the other 2 and frankly i don't know if I could do what your doing. I am way too tired. I work F/T and my husband is disabled and bed ridden so maybe if things were different i could. I am really glad you have the strength to do what your doing. It really sound like he would suffer much worse from her neglect.

Don't blame all off todays mothers, most are doing great. Your daughter just seems to be focused on her self and thats sad.

good luck to you and your grand son. Your doing something I don't know if I could do.

Answer 4

It isn't todays mothers just like it has always been you have good and bad parents.  Your daughter is a selfish type and may never be capable of change.  That is the most common reason for grandparents to end up with grandchildren.  All you can do is be there for your grandson and let him know that you love him no matter what.  Age doesn't mean maturity so even though she is 30 years old doesn't mean she is mature, she sounds like she functions more like a teen ager or something and some people just don't want to growup.  Did she want a child?  Where is the father?  Most likely she has her own issues and instead of getting help she chooses to ignore them and ignore her sons problems as well by not being around him.

Answer 5

Someone once told me that there's now outreach programs and support groups for grandparents who now have to raise their own grandchildren. You should Google this to explore your options. I wish you best of luck and I'll say a prayer tonight for you.

Answer 6

Well thank God for you, he is just an innocent boy that did not ask to come into this world, and he is so blessed to have a caring grandmother to care for him when his mother cannot...her behavior is sad actually because I don't think she understands what she is doing to her son's future view of her when he gets older.  Just keep on keeping on and hopefully she will get it together and step up as a mother.  Maybe you should try an intervention with your daughter, not sure how she would respond to this, but it should involve other people to kind of wake her up, and bring her back to this world and what she is doing to her son and you and other members of the family.

Answer 7

Bless you for taking care of a little boy who otherwise would not have a chance at any sort of healthy home life.

The decisions you make need to be in the best interest of your grandchild, and hopefully his mother will come around.  I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your daughter, but it sounds like she is using you, and if I were you I would call her bluff.  Tell her you are going to hire a full-time nanny (live-in or not) to help take care of the boy, and she needs to foot 100% of the bill.  The nanny should be one who specializes in children with disorders such as ADHD.  This solution would help take the burden off of your shoulders, provide the child with a healthy learning environment, and force your daughter to be financially responsible for her own child.

Unfortunately, if your daughter refuses to agree to this arrangement, you will need to take her to court.  If the threat of litigation does not make her change her mind, and you actually have to go to court, this will most likely ruin your relationship with your daughter.  But once again, you should be thinking about the grandchild first and foremost, and your daughter is not fit to be a mother at this point.  Start gathering the evidence you need right now, and when the court sides in your favor, we can pray that your daughter comes to her senses quickly.

Best of luck to you, your daughter, and your grandson.

Answer 8

Well since she is out all week making so much money...she can use the money to pay for daycare.

Answer 9

It sounds like she is too busy to be a mother, and it's not your job to take care of her kid while she goes and acts like a teenager. Tell her that you would be happy to babysit every now and then, but keeping her kid tuesday-saturday without an breaks or visits is insane.

Answer 10

talk to your attorney about guardianship and quit fretting about your daughter -she's an adult and free to make her own decisions.  get some counseling for yourself.

Answer 11

Your daughter is a selfish little monster that needs to take care of the child she created. He's not your child, it's hers. You need to make her take him. Take him to her house and make her open the door. Threaten to call social services and see what she says! You shouldn't be dealing with this alone. Good luck.

Answer 12

"What is wrong with todays Mothers?"  I don't know what IS wrong with you?  YOU are just as responsible for the problem as she is because YOU are enabling her behavior.  You ALLOW her to drop off her child and leave him.  Tell her to hire a sitter if she doesn't want to take care of her child or to put him into foster care.

Answer 13

he is better off with you. at least you care enough to care for him. if you forced her to take him back, he would probably end up being negelected.

you are doing a good thing even though it is hard. look into your community for support groups.