I did the adoption...what should I REALLY do?

Question

ok im 22 and i had a baby at 19 and then i put her up for a adoption ....its still open contact..i go to there house and everything every once in a while not a lot though..i get pictures of her from when she was born till now....but ..i have been getting the urge that i want her back and then i dont because i dont want to hurt her "new" family...if i do it now then theres a chance that she wont remember them...but she IS VERY SMART and she knows whats going on at the the age of 3..!! so there i dont know....does anyone think i should get her back or just leave it alone and be better off with the relationship i got now...and if so what is the legal age to get a child back in TEXAS...i researched and researched but couldnt find anything.....it's starting to get to an undescribable hurting stage because i should have cut the open contact off a long time ago ....but now im faced with her questions that i have to prepare myself for.....

Answer 1

I will assume that when you say you put your child up for adoption that you mean with all the legal papers signed.  If I am correct then I need to inform you that you cannot get your child back.  Once you terminated your parental rights and agreed to an adoption, you were no longer able to make any decisions regarding your child....including getting her back.  I am sorry you are in pain, there are plenty of services available to you.  Perhaps a support group would help you through these trying times.

You know, after reading your question....it got me wondering about open adoptions.  I know that there are a lot of positives about open adoption, but I do not think I could do it myself and not feel like you do.  I dont know, just "thinking out loud".  Good luck

Answer 2

I was adopted at age 2 it was hard on me. yes i knew my birth mom. Listen you have it better then most birth parents do they dont even get pics let her have a good home and a good life you can still see her and get pics right so be happy

Answer 3

You can not get her back that is why she was adopted.  You can have all the contact with her you like though because you chose an open adoption.

Answer 4

This is a very prevalent issue in my family too.

You get your life together and visit regularly.  Don't even think about ripping her from the parents she has come to know as changing her, nursing her when she was sick, comforting her when she had a bad dream.  I know it is hard, but you better show now, as well as then, you are a good parent.  Tell the adoptive  parents you are feeling the separation, and would like to be more involved.  Understand they will be scared you will take the baby from them, but you signed up for this deal 3 years ago.

I know it is hard, but it doesn't mean you can't be a loving part of her life.  Be there for special occasions, keep an open dialog with the parentals, and know that one day you baby will understand how much you love her.

Answer 5

Taking the child back would be the worst thing you could do, for the child, yourself and the family.

Answer 6

What do you think is best for the child? Being wrenched from her family or staying with her mother and father?

I know it's hard, but you need to keep her ebst interests in mind. You can still have a role in her life (sort of like an aunt), but she needs to stay with her parents. Please don't tear this little girl's life apart because you want her back.

You gave her a tremendous gift by providing her with loving parents. Take solace in that. You will always miss having her with you, but she is the child. Her needs are paramount.

Answer 7

I am sorry but you can't get her back...it doesn't work that way here in Texas.  You did an AWESOME thing by giving her to a loving caring family.  Get counseling and remember when the time is right you can have other children.  Get your education, find the right guy, and have a wonderful family.  You already provided that wonderful family to your baby girl by giving her to a couple that wanted and was able to care.  That should make you feel good.....not bad......you did the responsible and RIGHT thing.  I wish more people did that!!!!  I had my daughter at 19 and now she is 8........she has been through h**l because I was not ready to have her.....and probably should have done what you did.  She now has emotional problems and I am constintly having to try to fix the problems I caused in the first years of her life....b/c I was not ready to be a mom.  Of course I am now, but you can't undo the past.  Let her be and let her be happy.  She is lucky to have you as her biological mom.

Answer 8

You are so right - 3 year olds are really smart - a lot smarter than adults give them credit for.

I am assuming she knows you are her birth mother. My little girl is 3 (adopted by us) and she is starting to ask questions now about her birth family. We don't hide anything, however we do edit to make things easier for her to understand and will tell her more as she gets older.

An open adoption is hard - hard for the birth mother and the adoptive parents, but it is a choice both make for the child's sake.

I know I can't really understand your pain but I think the best option for you would be to enjoy the fact that your daughter knows you. Get to know her better and you will be able to develop a closer relationship with her. You have a unique opportunity to explain why you made the decision to adopt and help to support her through any problems she has as she is growing up.

Respect the adoptive family's rights to the extent of contact though.

The best thing for your daughter is to leave her where she is - taking her away from her family will only cause her pain at the moment. As much as she is smart, a child her age will not understand why she is being forced to separate from the only family she knows. What feels right to you may not be the right decision for your child.

Take care and all the best in making this huge decision.

Answer 9

I'm sorry this has been hard for you. You did the best thing for your baby giving her to a family who could support her though. And to her they are her parents. You couldn't take her away from them now.

An urge isn't enough to tear to away from her family on. She is with her family and you're the brave young lady who gave birth to her and handed her over. You would have a long long long and likely unsuccessful court case on your hands.

The more you keep in touch with her though, this feeling may linger. You need to leave her be. Ask for photos once a year and nothing mroe I say.

Again, I am sorry this is so tough on you, but as you did the first time around, think of your daugher

Answer 10

I can't even imagine how it's just tearing you apart.  What was the reason you went with adoption orginally? I'm sure that was an equally as hard decision and you probably did the made the best choice.  At this point it may cause more strife and heartache for you daughter if you try to fight and get her back now...Whatever you choose do what's best for HER no matter how hard it is for you.

Answer 11

You Gave Her Up. I Doubt You Can Get Her Back. I Think Legal Things Had To  Be Done At The Time Of The Adoption To Prevent You From Taking Her Back.

Answer 12

Wow.  I bet it is hard.  Only you know what is right for yourself and her.  

I would think that if you can take care of her without living paycheck to paycheck and have a stable home and environment for her than go for it she is your daughter.  I would think that you would have to prove yourself to the judge and be the best mom you can be.  

Good Luck.

Answer 13

You can't get her back. And when people tell you that your child is better off without you, they really don't know that. Ain't nobody but God knows that.

You could have been an amazing mother, and while people praise you for placing, it's because they don't know what an amazing mother you could have been, and just what you could have provided.

A word of advice, seeking comfort from adoptive parents who will only praise you if you place (meaning they obviously don't think so great of single parents, do they?)... will not help you out right now.

Try soulofadoption.com

or google Origins USA

And even though you can't get your daughter back, you can put some of that energy into help us work toward providing information and resources that will prevent others from experiencing the pain of family seperation.

It helps a bit.

Answer 14

Listen to Rox's advice its good!

And i wouldn't tell the adoptive parents you were having second thoughts, open adoptions aren't legally enforceable by law, and your daughters aparents can close it at any time ceasing all contact between you and your daughter that you love and miss so deeply.

The poo they don't tell you when you need to be told :(

48 hours isn't enough for anyone to sign away their child. Only in America.

Answer 15

While I don't know the exact laws in Texas, adoption typically cannot be overturned.  It is a legal proceeding and once parental rights are terminated by the birth family, the child is every part of the new adoptive family - just as if they had given birth to the child.  

I won't pretend to understand how you feel - it must be such an overwhelming emotion.  However, this is one of the big reasons families go overseas for adoptions or choose to do "closed" adoptions.  I think it can be a wonderful experience for both families if the bio parents can remain involved, but if it isn't working for you, perhaps you need to step back for a bit.  If nothing else, contact the agency that processed your adoption and see if they have a bio parent support group or at least some type of counseling that might be able to help you.  

Good luck to you.  And from an adoptive mother, thank you for the gift you gave to another family.

Answer 16

Even if you wanted to, at this point you can not "get her back". In the state of Texas, once the relinquishment  papers are signed (48 hours after birth) you cannot change your mind. Now that the adoption has been finalized, the adoptive parents are legally her parents, and you no longer have ANY legal rights to the child. In fact they are not legally required to maintain visits with you if they choose not to. Also, even if you could this would be very damaging for the child at this point.

I'm very sorry that you are having a tough time with this, and encourage you to seek counselling to deal with what you're going through.

Answer 17

I think you should leave her where she is at. This is what she knows. After all, you did this so it would better her life~not yours. Good luck. :)

Answer 18

I can certainly see how difficult all this is for you but here in the US once you complete an adoption and there are no reversible errors in the legal process then there is no way to reverse the adoption decision.  Even if you had every attorney on your side there are no provisions for removing a child after adoption has been completed.  The family courts would view removing a child from an adoptive placement as not being in the child's best interest, therefore it's not going to happen.  I know this is tough to hear but your only option at this point is to make the best of the situation.  The term open contract is not legally binding in the US.  It is a term used to describe a good faith effort on both parties but legally the adoptive parents are not legally bound to follow it.  If they felt that you would take the child they could terminate contact without any punishment and bare you from seeing her legally.  So again I know this is tough to hear but your options until your child becomes of age at 18 is to make the best of the situation.  Not everyone is as fortunate to have this situation and having her in your life this way is better than growing up not knowing you at all.  Take it from me I would have appreciate the contact but it wasn't offered when I was growing up.