I do rewrites to others people works, so now I place myself in the public stockade again for your pleasure?

Question

I know it's an emo rock lyrical sonnet. Nobody's perfect! c):{]=

AT YOUR FEET

Save the clowns for another day

Hold the barking hounds at bey

Pound my head against concrete

For your pleasure.

Severed limbs still reaching out

Entering a world of doubt

Pumped full of lies and deceit

Nothing lasts forever...

CHORUS:

Lay me down

At your feet,

Drag me down

To the waters deep

Under the nails

Against the grain,

Lights they shine

To expose my pain

Tell myself to hold all calls

I start to build my lonely walls

A loud twenty-one gun salute

Is wasted again,

A fog lifts over the coming frost

And I can't get my point across

The innocents a sniper shoot

Headstones cold and plain

CHORUS:

Lay me down

At your feet,

Drag me down

To the waters deep

Under the nails

Against the grain,

Lights they shine

To expose my pain

GUITAR SOLO

Answer 1

This is technically quite accomplished, and I am impressed at how loosely you have followed the sonnet form: apparently there are four enjoyably rhymed quatrains and-- not exactly a couplet.

Since you mention rewriting, I would consider changing line seven to:

Pumped full of lies, lies and deceit...

The reason is that this is the only iambic line in the stanza, so it would benefit from another syllable.  I would also find quatrain three a bit easier on the ear if it began: `I tell myself...'

I would say that the sense of betrayal through procrastination is not obviously conveyed through a casual reading: it seems l. 1-2 are sarcastic invocations, and it is only implied that these are hyperbolically equivalent to l. 3, `pound my head upon concrete.'  But if this work is intended to be set to music, perhaps it will convey all that information, and I may as well criticise Wagner liberetti.

I like Q3, and the transition from the ceremonial to the murderous artillery of Q4; but I do find the ending involving headstones a bit facile.  Perhaps this hews to the genre, however.  As I said, I feel this work is technically very close to what I guess to be its ideal.