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I don't feel happy about being engaged anymore...What should I do? LONG, don't answer with "I didn't read it"

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My FH and I are very much in love, and the best of friends. He tells me how much he wants to get married, looks forward to the wedding, and being my husband. However, he gets angry whenever I bring up how much he has saved (we're each contributing $3,000 to the wedding). We have a year left, and last I heard, he had nothing saved. Anymore, he tell me he's joking about this or that, but he doesn't seem like it, an dit's always things he knows will hurt me. For example, acting like he wasn't ready when he gave me the promise ring when we had been dating a year, but he knew I wanted it (as if I strong armed him or something). The one thing he never throws in my face is our engagement, and I know he loves me and truly does want to get married...We wanted custom bands. I found a ring I loved, but didn't like it completely (this and that weren't just right for my e-ring). He and I tweaked it some, and are having it made by a jeweler. Tonight I called him to say the jeweler wanted a $50 deposit, and he freaked out.

And started saying how he would have liked to have say in this or that, and acting like the wedding and the ring are all about me. That really hurt. I showed him the ring I liked, told him how I liked it, but what was wrong with it and WE tweaked it. I found the jeweler, contacted her, and kept him updated on every exchange. Asked his opinion on everything. He acted like he loved the idea of custom rings, and never once said anything to the contrary. In fact this Sat. we were going to look at some ring styles to get inspiration for his. He acts like it comes from me, and was freaking because HE had to pay for it and it's "MY ring." He acted like he was joking, then said he wasn't. That's when he said the wedding was just the same that he didn't have a say in anything. That really hurt and pissed me off, because I've begged him to be a part of it, but he says planning isn't his thing (he's the in-the-moment sort). I have spent hours discussing things with him, asking his opinion, basing decisions on these conversations, creating a unique and wonderful wedding, and he throws it all in my face.

I LOVE the wedding that is forming. It is so unique, so awesome, but he's ruined it all for me. I am no longer excited about any of it. I thought of US the whole way, and tried to get him involved. I sent him a message 2 MONTHS ago about vows and he still hasn't read it, but tells me that this is my fault, because I don't value his opinion. That's all I ever asked for! From Day One of our engagement I asked him for a list of what he wanted in the wedding, and he brushed me off. He put me off anytime I ask him for anything (opinion, thoughts, ideas, etc) for the wedding.

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  1. Ok...you are not going to like this answer...but remember..you asked.

    Break it off with him....all of this is a great indicator of how things will go in your marriage.  Always flipping out, and then saying it was a joke...nope...has the potential...I take that back...not the potential...it is Mental Abuse...and it will only get worse.   Think that when it comes time to decide on buying a home, having children, dealing with an illness/job change/ect will be any different...guess again...he will show no leadership and little to no cooperation.  You will be making the decisions and be damned when you make one.  Also, there is very little teamwork being shown here...you are both supposed to be saving...yet only one of you is doing it.  

    This guy will flip on you in a New York minute....it has trouble written all over it...PLEASE.....I know its hard, you love him and the guy he is when he is normal....its that other guy he becomes when things arent to his exact liking because you cannot read his mind at the given moment.  Get out of this relationship, and save yourself the long heartache you will have if you go thru with this.


  2. Well if you do really love him and he really loves you and you do want to get married if you haven't already spent alot of money on the wedding you can always just do a courthouse wedding.

    Planning a wedding is very very stressful.

    (I know that was a long run on sentence.  LOL)

  3. It sounds like maybe you need some more dating time before deciding to move forward.  Also, focusing on getting married instead of the wedding might remind you why you are doing all of this.  He needs to want the marriage and realize that you need the wedding first and he needs to be helpful.  He sounds kinda confused about how he feels about the responsibility.


  4. I am so sorry, and yes I took the time to read your whole question, just because things are long doesn't mean they dont deserve an honest answer! I am sorry for how you are feeling, and it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. I think maybe deep down, or subconsciously, he is not ready for this wedding? That is not to say that he isn't ready to be your husband, or anything like that, but maybe this is all getting to him? Some people say that they turn into a "bridezilla" under the pressure, and maybe this is having similarar effect on him? I would talk to him, and maybe go talk to someone together, you want this day to be very special, not an emotional wreck. Maybe he does not want such a large-ly planned out wedding? You might be better off to go to a court house, or take the money you have saved and elope to a tropical island for a few weeks! I would find out what kind of wedding he REALLY wants, he might of been going along with the ride to make his bride-to-be happy?

    I sincerely hope that everything works out for you, Please let me know how it goes!


  5. . Ask him TONIGHT if he  just wants to go down to the courthouse and  get married. Forget about the wedding, what you want is to  be MARRIED right? Forget the vows, forget the grooms cake, forget matching rings  and ask him if its the wedding thats freaking him out or marriage  If it truly is just money he's worried about, paying for some  big  extravaganza that  he thinks you may have planned  then he will probably  jump at the chance to  have a quick, simple, painless  ceremony at the courthouse. If he still umms and ahhs about it then I suspect you may have deeper issues to solve  before you  consider making a lifelong commitment to this man.

  6. I would be really confused if I were in your shoes. Is he close to his family? I would say that maybe you could try talking to his family and maybe get an insight on what's really bothering him. It sounds like he could be nervous, it's hard to say. Men can be like that sometimes. Let him know that this is "OUR" day(yours and his) not just yours and if he really wants to get married than he needs to contribute to the planning. It's hard to put things together by yourself. Hopefully that'll help. I wish you the best.

  7. Sounds like his true colors are shining through. He's selfish and doesn't seem to care much about your feelings. Or he just doesn't want to get married and is trying to get out of it. Talk ot out with him - if you still get no where then it's  time to re-evaluate your situation and seriously consider ending it.

    Who Me said it best -  "he will show no leadership and little to no cooperation. You will be making the decisions and be damned when you make one."

  8. I read your entire question as well, and I want you to think about this:  Does he act this way only about planning the wedding, or does he do it with everything that requires the 2 of you to make a decision, like buying a house, going on vacation, etc.?  If it's ONLY about the wedding, then what I think is going on is he wants to marry you, but has absolutely no interest in planning the wedding.  Yes, there is a difference between the 2.  Guys don't get into planning every little detail like the girls do.  Most guys want to know the following:

    1.  Where they have to be.

    2.  When they have to be there.

    3.  What they're supposed to wear (you can pick it, just let him know)

    4.  What they get to eat.  

    5.  How much it all costs.  (that's the biggie usually)

    If he acts this way regarding every decision the 2 of you have to make together, then this is setting up a pattern of how your marriage will be, and it's not a pretty pattern.  I'd suggest couples counseling in that case.  

    It may also be that he's subconsciously not ready for marriage, or the thought of the committment is scaring him.  Again, couples counseling can help this.  

    I wish you the best of luck.  I hope you can get these issues and feelings resolved soon.  IF not, then you really need to think this decision through carefully.  It's much easier to call off a wedding than to get divorced.  


  9. It seems to me that you've totally overwhelmed him with wedding day stuff, and not been so concerned about the marriage, which comes after that one day.

    Most guys just aren't into the heavy-duty girly planning stuff, so perhaps you have just put too much on his shoulders....

    Talking to him seriously at this point needs to be done.... and there's something to be said about what you suggested at the very end -- maybe he just wants to BE married, so a small ceremony and reception would get this done - without all the hoopla you are demanding.

  10. please think carefully , you are about to make one of the biggest decissions of your life !! you need to sit and get down to the brass tacks with your intended on this one. why the avoidance and flying off the handle  . marriage is a partnership for life , so all worries and doubts must be laid to rest now. it`s time for spilling the beans and laying ALL the cards on the table.

    i truly hope all your worries can be resolved , and that you share a wonderfull life together.

    good luck with all.

    tony.d

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