I don't feel like this is finished...

Question

"Misfit"

I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words I speak,

The city closes in on me,

What I am, they don't see,

Just like them, I used to be,

Stuck inside this city,

Trapped in my own mind,

Looking for something,

That I know I'll never find,

I run out of air,

Searching for what I can get,

And I just need to sit,

They look at me,

They say I should just quit

It's all so easy, I must not be aware,

I see it in their eyes, I feel it in their stare,

I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words i speak,

I haven't had a meal today,

I talked to a man,

Who wouldn't hear what I had to say,

The past is feeling far away,

I can't see who I used to be,

I forget what was left of me,

I don't want to feel,

All of this regret,

So I walk the streets,

Looking for what I can get,

Some people walk by me,

And they're afraid to look me in the eye,

They'd rather not see it,

They want me to hide,

I wasn't born this way,

I was born like you,

What sets me apart,

Is in the things that I do,

I haven't showered in days,

And I know that I stink,

I take quick showers,

In a public sink,

My clothes are torn,

My face is worn,

My body is thin,

My pupils are wide,

These are things,

I cannot hide,

So I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words i speak,

You look at me

And you thank God

That your not me,

And these are the things,

That you have to see,

Only to be thankful for what God has given to you,

But, It is me that you see right through,

You thank God for your family,

You thank God for your home,

But it is me,

It is me that will roam,

To invoke these thoughts inside of you,

To take pride in what you did not do,

To know what's real,

To make you feel,

The luck it is that you live,

For everything God has to give,

I may be nothing in your world,

But I serve a purpose that you have felt,

I can't control the cards that I'm dealt,

So I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words I speak.

Answer 1

The message is clear and there isn't much else to say! It is a little repetitive and would go with Todd's suggestion , of cutting some of the unnecessary words and verses!  The poem is very good by the way and feel that you put much into it, thanks for sharing!! Cheers!!!

Answer 2

I can see in this poem, that U R (naturally) equipped with the gift of poetry.I had it as a feeling in Ur previous poems, but now I'm sure of it, why? Because some people can express their feelings about a direct personal experience, such as being in love, but expressing the experience of others as if it was theirs, that is a Natural Gift I call.

The " Misfit" gives a clear picture of a familiar scene, a trite topic which U managed to revive it with a (semi-dialog) between the main character and other characters (including) the reader. That was different from the usual direct description approach to such topic. U also brought a new elements too, such as the concept of God -related Issues, with an acceptable tone, in a logically acceptable environment, in contrast to church priest approach. I liked that.

I should tell U out of psychological point of view that, when a reader sees such lengthy poem, he/she will hesitate to read it in the first place.I my self, if it wasn't of Ur name, I wouldn't be encouraged to read it. So putting it into stanzas gives a sort of relaxation to the reader's eyes. It also gives you the opportunity to repeat Ur 1st stanza only once at the end ,to make it recursive ( reminder of the start) , but repeating the 1st 4 lines over and over weakens Ur poem structure. And when the reader wants to re-read certain lines, he/she has to go  over the poem.This (slicing ) doesn't have to be done at the beginning, But do after U write the whole poem, so not to lose the flow of thoughts. Good luck.  

Answer 3

I would agree with Dragonlady. It requires more focus not more words. Here's a look at a fast cut. I didn't worry about rhyme just wanted to give you a different look to think about. It may not be anything you want to do to the piece...but here goes, maybe it will give you some ideas.

I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words I speak,

The city closes in on me,

What I am, they don't see,

Just like them, I used to be,

Stuck inside this city,

I haven't had a meal today,

The past is feeling far away,

I can't see who I used to be,

I forget what was left of me,

I wasn't born this way,

I was born like you,

I haven't showered in days,

And I know that I stink,

I take quick showers,

In a public sink,

My clothes are torn,

My face is worn,

My body is thin,

My pupils are wide,

These are things,

I cannot hide,

I may be nothing in your world,

But I serve a purpose that you have felt,

I can't control the cards that I'm dealt,

So I walk the streets to go insane

Looking for something to heal my brain

My throat is dry, my voice is weak,

They can't hear the words I speak.

Answer 4

Maybe Trust In God?  

Answer 5

I think Dragonlady and Todd have given you some good constructive criticism.  The only thing I think might add to this would be a connection between the homeless lady and the more fortunate people who aren’t homeless.  You do this to a degree in the body of your poem; however; I think that might make a good final statement.  

Your main line, “I walk the streets to go insane.” might be better put by saying, “I live on the streets and I’m going insane.”   I think “Homeless” might be a better title than “Misfit.”  Your last few lines could be:

I live on the streets and I’m going insane.

The rest of the world can’t fathom my pain.

Nice job, I like it.

Answer 6

I think the opposite, I think at some point in the poem it should of been cut short. I think there are several places that can be removed all together and it will not ruin the poem. It needs snipping and a better resoluton toward the end